AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

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We are in a very similar position - we both work full time in reasonably well paid jobs and both do additional freelance work but property prices in our area have sky rocketed which means we’re stuck. We can’t change area due to family support we need as one of our children is SEN (and they also wouldn’t cope well with a school move).

One of my issues is that I wanted to buy a different property when we bought ours (which would mean that we would be in a much, much stronger position now) but DH insisted on our current place for short term reasons that no longer matter. I went along with it (I wish I hadn’t) and now I really resent him, even thought I try not to as none of us have a crystal ball.

No advice unfortunately but I empathise.

Your husband sounds awful. I’d divorce him and put your house up for sale.

And you MUST look into financial support - do that asap, as you could be getting hundreds a month.

Just a thought - my friend was in a similar situation, also lived in a tiny house in an affluent area, but even though the house was tiny it was worth a lot of money because of the area. Can you not see how much your house is worth and consider moving? You’d get a bigger house in a not-as-nice area. My friend ended up in a four bed which cost less than the tiny house.

It sounds tough. I have two teens with additional needs myself but I agree with the above.

Hi, I could really identify with this post. We also live in by far the smallest house in our entire neighborhood and all of my sons' friends live in palaces. We basically live in a starter house. The woman we bought from lived here alone and when she met her partner and had a child sold to move somewhere bigger. My eldest is in what is basically a dormer turned bedroom. Kitchen almost a kitchenette. You get the picture.
I think when things get so overwhelming it's best to take baby steps. Is there a way in which you could make more space, maybe by throwing things or moving them about? I know it's easy to say. I'm a near hoarder myself, especially of books. But sometimes a small change goes a long way
I'm sorry I don't have much more advice. I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

It sounds like our house, and we brought up three children in it. We did a loft conversion, which has slightly limited head height but still served as a bedroom for DD, the shortest child. We widened the kitchen into the side return. We extended the back bedroom over the 1970s downstairs bathroom. From that point on, we just had to live with it. I built bespoke fitted cupboards and put a lot of effort into keeping the clutter under control. And the great thing is, the kids (now adults, only one still at home) really appreciate it. DD says the house is amazing. They have friends who grew up in bigger houses, but also friends who grew up with a lot less. They understand that we were lucky to have as much as this, and sensible to make the best of it.

You have a DH problem, not a DHouse problem.

https://www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children

I have had a school refused and she is likely ND too so I’m not being unsympathetic, however your children also are described as having friends and wanting sleepovers and going to parties as teens- so I’m not sure they’re quite as incapable as you think. Perhaps their emotional outbursts or struggles are part and parcel of being in a household with an unhappy and unhealthy marriage? Your husband sounds very selfish and that doesn’t go unnoticed by children and tweens/teens and if he struggles with them and you’re the one doing everything for them- when are they getting the chance to learn coping skills and develop into functioning adults?
I think you need to look hard at what you’d be entitled to as a single parent on your current salary and seriously consider if your marriage is worth working on as currently he’s taking the utter piss. Your small house would
seem less small with one less adult in it.
But I do agree that comparison is the thief of joy and you’ve chosen to be in an area for the benefits which you need to enjoy and reframe your thoughts a little. Your daughter could have a bunk in her box room perhaps or make it fun to have a sleepover in the lounge? Could the lounge be able to become a little more teen friendly on the whole to encourage socialising there? If your husband didn’t go to the gym or his holidays could you save for a very small pod type space in your garden to be a teen den?
Or have you considered moving?

How strange - you type all this, then say that that your biggest problem is the physical size of your house?

It’s not the house, is it?

Honestly OP I think your first port of call is both couples and individual counselling. I think the house is lower down on the priorities to be brutally honest.

You need to bash it out with DH in a neutral environment about his lack of parenting and putting the children at risk I.e their mental health and physical health but also your resentment towards him. He sounds like he has checked out completely, you need to get to the bottom of why. If he is just going along with the flow then it might be easier for you to split. This would allow you to use the house equity on something else, you might also be eligible for HA or shared ownership depending on your single income.

Also for now look into DLA for the kids.

Having read your updates, I think you need to find out properly (Citizen’s advice, CMS,Women’s Aid, entitled to.gov benefits website are good places to start) exactly what it would mean financially to leave your DH and set up on your own with the DC. And make plans to make that happen. The kids have needs but also have friends, party invitations etc. That’s wonderful. Get rid of the dead weight clogging up your life and move on. Good luck.

This isn't about your house this is the fact two children with high needs are dependant on you and only you because your husband refuses to step up. Tell him he needs to get a grip and be a parent.

OP's husband gets home at 9 pm. What do you suggest she does about sleeping?

I grew up in a small house and all my friends had larger houses - bedrooms the size of our upstairs and the like. Acres of land in some cases

I grew up fine. Actually it’s helped me because I knew I didn’t need to buy the big house and that means I have paid tens of thousands less in interest to banks over the decades. And that’s tens - possibly 100k - more to me over my lifetime ( in my pension pot at the moment - I could afford to put extra there compared to my peers )

my friends in later years admitted they loved my crappy home because it was full of love

no one actually minded sleeping in the floor on a worn out carpet because it was each other we were interested in. The floor was hard mind you. And you had to queue for the single loo. ( that’s one thing I have gone for - 2 loos )

i hate what has happened to society - people - that we can’t bunk up and have fun together no matter what the space. Every time I see the “need” for a guest room here I remember kids in one room, adults in the other all sleeping like sardines when family visited. We are now so needy and selfish and isolated. It’s helping drive the mental health crisis and it’s just so wrong

I hear you. Am also NHS plus have 2 x children with SEND. It’s exhausting. My brain is frazzled from the amount of things in it.

Please look at DLA / PIP: my youngest has AuDHD and qualifies for DLA. It obviously doesn’t solve everything but it does help a bit.

Sending you a big 💐

Sounds like you’ve really got a lot on your plate I really feel for you. I think you need to re group. I think you are focusing on the house but there seems a lot more bubbling under the surface.
Your husband doesn’t seem to be helping at all other than working. I can’t believe he wasn’t giving the medication! I would look seriously at the relationship. If his mental health isn’t great is he willing to do anything to help himself?
Working for the nhs you both should be able to access free counselling. Please look at it for yourself, you sound very burnt out. Make an appointment to see your gp too. I’m sure if a patient came to you feeling this burnt out, you would say the same to them.
Go see your gp and take a few weeks sick leave arrange counselling and talk to your husband. Look at if you are entitled to any financial help.
Ignore the people on this thread who just keep saying you should look at working full time, I’m sure more money would be lovely but I don’t think it will solve all your problems. I think having a more supportive husband would make a lot more difference!

I was going to say about moving somewhere bigger (as you both have transferable jobs)and (much) cheaper but then I realised it sounds like your children have good friends?
This is very important and hey, as they grow they will spend more time out with them and grow independence.
Work on their life skills and plans so they can work and move out (I know that's really sad and you probably would love them around longer but it's your reality. They will hopefully have very fond memories of growing up in the little house). Either that or split from DH if you don't love him. You need to write down a pros and cons list.

@Miseramble Apply for DLA for the 15 y o ASAP. It supposedly makes it easier the the kid to move onto PIP at 16.
Then do the younger one.
DLA is to cover the extra cost incurred by having a disability.

You absolutely should look into claiming DLA from the sound of how you’ve described both your kids. And then potentially PIP too. I work in this area (for a tiny charity). Please feel free to PM me and I can help. It’s a stressful process, I’m not going to lie, but I really really think it will be worth it. Phone the DWP helpline today to start the process for both (if you are eventually awarded it is then backdated to today). And as say do PM me if you would like.

I’d kick him out and apply for DLA. Run the numbers - he’s probably taking out more than he’s bringing in if he’s spending that kind of money on himself. Then you take the box room, your daughter has a bigger room and you can have sleepovers (though also if your son never has friends round and she wants to you could swap their rooms now). He sounds useless and I would guess you could make a decent attempt at paying the bills without him. You’re a single parent already anyway.

And then consider separation and divorce. My ND kids thrived without their angry, critical, entitled and probably ND father.
Forgetting meds, 3 days to himself! I'm triggered...... the Prick!

OP, as others have now pointed out after your unexpected update, the real problem is not the house. Yes, I realise it is frustrating living with four people in a very small house, but a lot of your stress would feel so much easier if you and your husband were a team, which obviously you know you’re not.
His refusal to parent adequately, lack of interest in doing DIY on his days off, spending large sums of money on trips and music festivals etc. mean that you are drowning in understandable resentment and focusing on the house as the reason for your unhappiness. I don’t mean to sound harsh as it must be very difficult.

You could have the boxroom, DC get upsized bedrooms

His exact words to me were "Well you should've given it then."
That was a month ago.
We argued. I told him to start bloody giving it every day.
He said he can't remember.
I told him I have a million things to remember every day and I need some support.
I told him to set daily morning alarms on his phone that's always in his hand. He said ok but very reluctantly.
A month later, I asked him yesterday "Do I need to renew the prescription - it must be about to run out?"
He said he hasn't given it, and then started telling DD 12 with SEN/ND/extreme anxiety that it's HER job to remind HIM daily and that because she doesn't remind him every day it's her fault she hasn't had it.
This is a 12 year old who is emotionally and mentally functioning around age 8 or 9.