AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

No but I can ask and they can decline. It’s pretty pointless voluntarily weighing in with your own personal experience then becoming offended when somebody asks about it.

I’m surprised he can walk around school unsupervised, get himself to the right class and so on. I would say getting yourself to bed is much easier than that.

I’m not offended.

I’m just pointing out it isn’t for you to judge whether someone is telling the truth about their DC having complex needs or not.

But it’s inherent to OP’s ability to work. If every response on here is to just repeat OP’s feelings about their situation and affirm them, rather than probing further, all the above would be useless. As you can see multiple parents of children and adult kids with SEN agree with me.

People can advise on OP’s situation without questioning whether she is telling the truth about her situation and her DC’s needs.

Nobody has accused her of lying. They’ve just encouraged her to take a step back out of the CAMHS microscope and take a look at how the dynamics of her family are really working (or not).

There are posters who are implying she isn’t portraying an accurate picture of her DC’s needs.

No

there it is posters curious about the huge variation in these children’s needs

I think she’s giving an accurate description as she sees it. But there is more than 1 way of seeing something. The poster further up with a severely autistic son who has, in gentle steps, taught him to make food and use the bus is a great example of how parental mindset can work in long term outcomes.

I disagree. I think there are posters who are implying OP isn’t portraying an accurate of her DC’s needs beyond just not understanding how some DC’s needs can present.

You don’t know OP isn’t working towards further independence in a way that is suitable for her DC.

Again
There is huge variation in the needs and it entirely reasonable to ask about this as quite frankly it is unusual the picture conveyed

Some DC do present like that, though. And there is a difference between asking about it and going on about it saying things like it doesn’t add up.

But if posters don’t think that the picture is entirely accurate - why shouldn’t they ask questions and suggest as such? I mean - that seems fairly reasonable to me?

Reasonable to a judgemental person who hasn’t got a clue, maybe.

Reasonable to someone who has been on Mumsnet a long time

No, I have been on MN a long time. I don’t think it is reasonable to persistently imply someone isn’t portraying an accurate picture.

Right, so we know not to do it if you start a thread

Parents can and do get trapped in protective spirals with their SEN adolescent kids, that is all I am saying. I am not accusing OP of exaggeration or being untoward. I am wondering if she might be doing more for her kids out of a genuine belief that this is what they need than is actually the case.

She seemed very distressed that her kids needs are not met by her DH because he fed them late (9pm) and didn't put them to bed, and 'they aren't capable of going to bed by themselves'. I don't get that. A late meal isn't wonderful but it's not a disaster, and if they were hungry earlier they are old enough to get snacks or a sandwich. It's not like having 3 and 5 year olds and not feeding them. And I genuinely don't get the putting them to bed thing. The only reason I can imagine is a child who has complex medical devices that need setting up while they sleep, like overnight feeds or something. If my DH looked after my similarly aged kids and didn't feed them til 9 I wouldn't be worried at all. And I don't put them to bed; I used to tell my youngest to go and get showered and ready for bed when they were about 11, then pop my head in and say goodnight, but certainly wasn't doing that with any of mine at 15. I worked the other way round - stayed up gaming til 3 am and now too tired for school? That was silly, you'll be exhausted today, what have you learned?

I don't doubt at all that OP is genuine in her intentions and beliefs, but I do wonder if she's so trapped in surviving each day and week that she's lost sight of the long term aim of developing independence skills wherever possible.

I can say all this because no doubt at all, I was accidentally overprotective of my DC when they were younger. I did it for absolutely pure motives, from a place of love, and I did the best I could at the time, but I really wish someone would have explained to me earlier about how enabling avoidance of non-dangerous things feeds anxiety.

I didn’t say you personally were accusing OP of exaggerating or acting untoward. However, there are posters saying things like it doesn’t add up and persisting in that. That isn’t reasonable or supportive.

Having said that, just because you can’t imagine something doesn’t mean OP’s DC don’t need that level of support and it doesn’t automatically mean she is being overprotective.

Unfortunately I think the media has convinced everyone that benefits are only for lazy scroungers who refuse to work, when actually they are there for everyone and most people on Universal Credit work at least part time

@Miseramble presumably doesn’t think it is reasonable either since she posted “It might help you and others around you if you were to educate yourself on the challenges and far reaching impacts of parenting children with multiple complex needs.” to one poster repeatedly posting about her DC’s needs.

Wow you’re having a hard time on here!

If I were you I would:

1. Take a week off sick. You are completely overwhelmed and risk becoming very unwell. Think of it as a stitch in time
2. Ring the DLA people on 0800 121 4600. Request two claim forms for your children. They will date stamp and post it out. You then have a few weeks to return it, and if successful, your claim will be backdated.
3. Think seriously about what your husband brings you. He is an alcoholic who is emotionally harming your children by being in the home. Your life will be a lot easier without him.
4. Ring social services and ask for a Child in Need assessment. If they deem either of your children to have complex disabilities they can award you some hours for a personal assistant. The PA can take them to clubs, help them with independence (like use a bus) or just take them out to have fun, leaving you to have some one2one time with the other child.
5. Start looking at where you can live that is within catchment of your children’s school. There must be a cheaper village, or a house that has space to extend
6. Consider a different job. There are jobs coming out for MACPT families first which is holding strategy discussions; you may be able to wfh and the pay is more. If you can increase your pay it will help get rid of husband, or pay for a cleaner to reduce your load.

My opinion. I have children with similar needs to you. You probably have needs too, which may be helping you to spin plates at the moment, but it will become too much if you don’t get some help. Your children will definitely qualify for DLA if they are under CAMHS and need your supervision at their age. It’s essentially for anything which they need support with, that ordinarily a child of that age wouldn’t. You need to apply with all of your medical letters, and be prepared for a 6 month wait for decision. You may have to argue for it - that’s ok. It will be worth it in the end and you need it. You can use this money however you see fit, including as repayments for an extension if you think that’s what they need, or as recompense for you working part time, or the more traditional therapies, clubs, things to make life easier for them like weighted blankets.
Carers allowance - you won’t qualify. You need to be a very low earner. It is an option if you give up work, or could help reduce your PT further. You will have less £££ overall. Worth looking at all the sums to see what giving up work could look like if your dd does become too unwell. You may be entitled to more than you think.
Social services - sounds scary, it isn’t. You need some help and this is what they are there for. Disabilities team is not child protection and is not a reflection on you. My child’s social worker constantly says what a good job I’m doing - they just help. They may also be able to advise on clubs for children like yours, which could reduce your load a bit.
EHCP - nightmare. I have taken my LA to court. If your child stops going to school, ensure that you speak to the LA inclusion team as they legally have to step in when your child misses 15 days of education due to ill health (which includes anxiety). The 15 days doesn’t have to be in a row. If your dd does drop out, you have the option of EOTIAS packages - just don’t home educate. The LA will have to help you if you keep her on role.
House - I really feel for you. Sounds so difficult with everyone in top of each other. Can your dd host a sleepover in the living room? You and son just have to be confined to bedrooms for the evening, then the child gets picked up after breakfast. Or a tent in the garden in warmer months? If you stay, would knocking the downstairs rooms into a kitchen/lounge help? You could then have a corner for an entrance hall. Or the porch idea from others is good. We had a side entrance when we had a tiny house.
Good luck and keep posting.

Wrong. Most people on universal credit dont work at all. At least get your facts straight before starting the lecture.

Ah true I didn't mean most and I meant many, I believe it's around a third. Will see if I can edit. I don't recall doing any lecturing so I think you need to take a deep breath.

And that tbh is exactly what we did.