AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

Completely missing the point she has sons with extra needs, seeems you can’t or don’t wish to understand

Would your DC respond to something like Alexa reminding them of times - get ready for bed now (clean teeth, use loo, wash face, pyjamas/lights out)/take medication? Just so you don’t always have to be chasing?

Those are the obvious solutions but honestly, who cares what size house anyone lives in, it's safe and has conutryside on the doorstep.

So basically you don’t have a small house problem, you have a fucking useless husband problem.

Comparison is the thief of joy

There are lots of clever things you can do in terms of storage and arranging space to make a small house feel bigger. I’d try to get the teens involved in reorganising their rooms - a new coat of paint and some ikea furniture can make a place feel new and like it works for the next stage of life. It also gives the teen some confidence to paint a room!

I know this probably seems hard on top of everything else, but jealousy won’t help. You can make the existing house as good as it can be and be happy there.

How will having a bigger house help with any of this?

For some reason my pinterest algorithm believes this kind of set up (front door opening to lounge, small but perfectly formed kitchen) to be the cosiest, most charming set up - and it does a very convincing job!

Some of the photos are just utterly adorable and have such a lovely "vibe" to them if you know what I mean?

I do acknowledge that feeling angry towards DH is unfair when he is under strain.
There's more to it though. He works till 9pm 4 days a week which leaves me exhausted every evening so that he can have a long 3 day weekend every week. On his Mondays off, I go to work, DC are at school, so he goes to the gym and meets friends for coffee. Our house needs masses of DIY jobs doing and he does none of them on his long weekends that he's crafted for himself. He's off on an expensive lads weekend next month. He's constantly going to festivals and music concerts with friends. I can't rely on him with DC at all, he simply doesn't know how to parent effectively.
There are layers of reasons why I'm angry.

You’re a midwife so why can’t you go and do some night shifts once DH gets home to make your hours up to full time?

Well I have both.

I had been about to post something reassuring about your kids being lucky they're growing up in a nice area with two supportive parents who love them and are there for them and meet their needs, and there will be many families in all kinds of houses who have other troubles, like marriages in turmoil, working long hours and no family time, long term illnesses, and also homes where love isn't freely given and shown, etc. And i really mean that the size of house isn't an indicator of life happiness. However, you've since posted again and it now seems like the bigger actual problem than the size of your house is your DH's complete inability and unwillingness to be a parent or even a supportive husband by the sounds of it. I think your fixation on house size is perhaps clouding the real issue, which absolutely should be addressed.

Do you have 4 adult sized people living that home though?
I'd be fine in this sized house if it was just me in it.

OP, I feel for you, but you are far from alone - my DD and her DH both earn well, but live in a shoebox of a flat in London with no garden - flat has one living/dining/sitting room and two bedrooms. They have two children. They looked at moving out of London, but just couldn’t make the sums add up. Sometimes, you just have to be grateful for what you have, rather than constantly looking over your shoulder at what others have. I can assure you that your DC’s friends won’t be judgmental - they like your DC for who they are, not what they have, and your friends won’t care about what sort of house you live in! The biggest issue seems to be sleepovers for your DD - if she is on the verge of school refusal, maybe having friends over would help? Would a bunk bed be a solution? Teenagers really won’t care about where they sleep so long as there is somewhere.

I’m not surprised you’re angry. This is appalling.

I’ve never heard that saying but omg it’s a good one. I’m going to remember it. I went through a phase of this when my children were at primary school and we had by far the smallest house. Wish I’d heard that saying then.

Your house would feel alot bigger if there were only 3 of you living in it!

You've got a DH problem.

The mental load is heavier when there is a second person to split it with, but they wont.

I'd have left him after the medicine issue.

I don’t think it’s the size of the house that’s the problem.

Many of our friends have significantly bigger houses than ours. Most of them were in a position to buy years ago and some are mortgage free. We couldn’t buy for various reasons until a few years ago. Both teens have small rooms compared to most of their friends. But I wouldn’t swap it for anything because it’s ours. There’s no point being jealous of what others have, it’s no way to live. Your teens have their own rooms without sharing as well, which is a great plus. All my friends with big houses also have to pay for cleaners, redecorating costs a fortune because of the square meterage, heating costs more etc etc. I love my little house.

As far as your husband goes, I’m in agreement that if he wasn’t there you’d have more space.
you do need to check you get any payments you are entitled to.

Would the market value rent cover the mortgage? I would rent it out and rent a bigger property for your family. It may be having an impact on the children’s mental health.

You’re probably going to be better off ridding yourself of the husband (thus freeing up space and ridding yourself of tension, resentment and possible child endangerment) and claiming every benefit available to a single mother/carer.

We’re the same, both work and live in a tiny house including garden! In the summer the kids tend to sit outside in the garden, we’ve put a winding roof above it! It gives them extra space when it’s dry.

So often the case

A post about issue A (the house) is really about issue B (the husband)

Sounds tough situation. Could you move to a cheaper area for more space?

No chance to rent your very desirable cute cottage out and rent in a much less desirable area a bigger house?

If you were near me you could rent out a cottage in Blackheath village for well over £2,500 a month and rent a large 3/4 bed semi in Bromley for much less