AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

What? So you have money that he spends on beer and expensive weekends away? He also forgets to give DD a prescription medication even though he’s a paramedic???

He’s a joke of a dad and husband. Honestly get rid of him and you’ll have much more space in your house.

OP we have a similar very small house. Both have low paying jobs, me part time to fit around the kids. Over time we have almost paid off our mortgage. We were planning to move to a still modest 3 bed semi. And last week discovered some issues with our house needing about £20k work which we will need to get a loan for. So those plans are now on hold for another few years. My kids will be grown and left by the time we can afford to move

@Jellycatspyjamas responses are always great!

Hi @Miseramble , I'm just adding to the voices saying that, to outsiders, YOUR biggest problem appears to be your husband.

It is NOT ok to 'forget' to give DD her daily medication. I personally don't think he is really forgetting, he just doesn't think he should have to. And why is that? Is it because he works ft and you 'only' do 25 hours a week? Which is obviously bullshit.
Even if he is ND he can put an alarm on his phone to remind him!

The whole idea of him arranging to give himself a 3 day weekend at the expense of you struggling to do everything on the 4 days he works is just extremely selfish.
Did he discuss that with you first?

And spending money the family can ill afford going off for a lads weekend!

He really does sound as if he doesn't care about any of you...

I would be having a serious talk with him about a fairer split of child and household responsibilities.

Prepare for it by listing everything that has to be done in the house and for the kids, including all the diy jobs. And who does them.

If he won't cooperate, and wont agree to any changes to support you and the kids more, that tells you clearly that he's just not interested, in you or them.
Then you need to decide what you do about that.

But you need to be prepared for you having responsibility for your DC 100% of the time. It doesn't sound like he would want even EOW custody, and if he did, they wouldn't want to go to him.

I also live in a very small house. Even my 3 yo comments how small our house is. But I have made it our home and I love and care for it and think that shows. Have a look at the tiny house movement YouTube videos. Do a big declutter to get rid of absolutely everything you don’t need. Have a think about how space could be changed or zoned, for example in a box room you could build a cabin bed to give space underneath for a friend to stay over. I totally get the way lack of space drives you crazy - in my 2 bed terrace we have three adults and two children and there is no space at all for privacy, but I do try to make zones where people can go to chill or get away from others, including the garden. Do not compare to other people - you have a home and therefore you are also more fortunate than many. There are families who live with five children in a one bed flat in a London high rise. Things could be worse. If you can’t change your circumstances you have to change your perspective. Don’t let the children down talk the home they live in. Start to make some interventions to get it feeling more homely - it doesn’t have to cost the earth.

This house isn’t tiny. It’s a fairly normal sized 3 bed house and many don’t have a decent 3rd bedroom as they are typically over the hall. It’s 915 sq ft. My 2 bed house was 525 sq ft. It’s a typical 3 bed house that millions of people with dc live in.

I have lived in small properties & the bills are definitely smaller & the maintenance is generally less.

I think that you need to be more grateful for what you already have

I really feel for you, but I think your husband is the problem here.

The house is getting the blame, as that is the easiest target.

I grew up in a tiny house on the edge of a council estate. All my friends lived in the posh areas with massive houses and no-one cared. My best friend's home was a huge split level house with white carpets! I had never seen the like! I remember being amazed that so many people had more than one bathroom. I spent most of my time at friends houses but that was a pragmatic response to the space issue, not shame.

You and your husband need to have a 'come to Jesus' talk about how your family works. Where the money goes, how much disposable income you both have, who does what jobs in the home, how time is split. He could behave like a responsible adult at home if he wanted to, because he manages just fine at work - he just can't be arsed. The medication story is ridiculous- if he behaved like this at work he would be struck off. He sounds like a lazy, selfish liar.

Point out to him how much nicer it would be at home if you weren't hanging on by your fingernails - you sound like your own mental health is precarious. You need some time to yourself too.

And seriously consider getting rid if he won't pull his weight, cos you don't need a big selfish baby on top of two teenagers. Bringing up kids is not a spectator sport, but he seems to think it is.

Ask me how I know all this! It worked for me eventually, but I really meant it about breaking up. Love is NOT enough, you need a partner you can trust and rely on. Otherwise he is just a drain on your time and mental resources. Its not the house you can't afford.

This post changes the whole thread.
Your small house would seem much better without your of a husband in it. He is really worse than awful. Why are you still there??

Seriously op looks into DLA for the kids. If awarded apply for UC they can only say you earn too much to get that but you never know

It sounds like there's a lot of tension and relationship issues. I expect that will be affecting the children far more than the size of your house. In fact it is probably a big factor in your ND children's EBSA etc.

Honestly if your oh can't parent them and isn't contributing to the household in any way other than financially I would consider seperation. Financially you might not be much worse off anyway with UC, child maintenence, DLA etc.

I think you are allowing the size of your house to distract you from the possibility your children feel uncomfortable at home due to the adults, and this is why they dont want to invite people.

Op is your house worth much? Is there much equity in it

I havent read the other posts

The massive issue here is comparison

Your home is actually perfectly suitable for the size of your family.

Its not realistic for most of us to live in homes where there isnt a 'box room', the kitchen sounds like the majority of kitchen sizes in this country. Many children share bedrooms in this country, yours have their own.

Your children, SEN or not, need straight talking. Be grateful for what they have, they have loving parents, who model excellent behaviour and a good work ethic, they have their own home and own space. You're not moving and this is our loving, safe, clean, suitable home.

You need to think about how much your own views and disatisfaction with your husband is filtering down to that anxiety for the kids

This site is particularly unhelpful as well as rightmove, posters often talk of 'tired and dated' properties they couldnt think of moving into without a full refurb, needing extra bathrooms and toilets, virtually fainting at the idea of a downstairs bathroom. These are not the usual average everyday people that I know. Its taken us 17 years to do some serious refurb of the top floor so far. We did have a new kitchen and bathroom installed but the kitchen went in around 15 years ago, to me its a 'new kitchen', to people on this site its probably tired and dated, the most heinous crime one can think of. We never finished decorating in there either so its a half finished job! However it looks fine.

I can get why this is a hard situation. As much as anyone can say 'a big house doesn't matter', we do leave in a world of materialism and snobbery. There is also the physical reality that more space is nicer. You and your DH sound like you both work hard in difficult jobs and it is really sad that you're left feeling as you are. You are both people who are helping countless others through your work and doing your best to raise your children so it is awful that you're left feeling like failures.

I do have a 'but' coming however...

But...

1. Your worth is not defined by the size of your home.

2. You are able to provide your children with the stability of a secure home in a lovely area. As such you are giving them something really valuable. I realise that comparing yourself against a low bar might not feel meaningful but it deserves to be said: many parents cannot afford to own a home. Many parents cannot afford to live in a nice area at all. There are parents sharing a single hotel room in temporary accommodation with their children or dealing with horrific mold or abusive neighbours. Many of these parents are trying their absolute best and are still not failures in any way that I would use the term. I think your proximity to people with large lovely homes is skewing your sense of reality and leading you to judge yourself against an unfair standard.

3. Your kids are old enough to get the financial reality that you can't afford the stuff their friends have. This needs to be explained to them. If you've already explained it and they keep bringing extensions up, that is simply cruel or ignorant on their part and needs correcting.

4. Please stop asking your son why he doesn't have friends home. You're just making him feel more awkward. You reckon you know the answer already so why ask? You're torturing yourself. And if he goes to his larger friends' homes rather than having his friends over to yours, so what really? Kids will gather where they have the most space and privacy - that's not a verdict on you and your home.

5. If your kids are learning that large homes are somehow the norm or expectation, they need to think again. They have two parents who work hard in important jobs and who can't afford somewhere bigger. If they themselves are struggling academically / considering school refusing, they are not likely to be able to afford their own 4-bedroomed homes any time soon! (Yes yes, I get that is simplistic and that many people end up making way more money from jobs they go into straight from school than the uni path, and that success comes in many forms... I'm just pointing out that they might be living with unrealistic ideas about what normality is!).

This is so true . Our house was built in 1990 and we haven't upgraded the kitchen as it's fine. Environmentally I couldn't justify upgrading a kitchen just because it wasn't the latest fashion

Exactly, its just a bog standard sized house, talk of 'tiny house' makes it sound as if they're living in a shed

Its a 3 bed terrace, this is how millions of people live, its not tiny.

Honestly I agree with both of these points with the added caveat that it sounds like he is absolutely no help at all so you might be better off splitting up, working PT and claiming all you can (in my the NHS in a cheaper area).

Your husband is the problem. Your life would be easier -and you’d feel less resentful - without him there. Check out what you’d be entitled to benefits-wise with him out of the house. With those needs, both kids should qualify for DLA, which means you’d also get the extra disabled child element of UC for each one (you would definitely be eligible for a UC top-up working 25 hours due to children with additional needs). With their needs, you’d have a strong argument for being allowed to stay in the marital home until the children are both 18, therefore wouldn’t need to buy him out, but if you did need (or want) to, you could look at selling up and using your share of the equity to get a mortgage on a shared ownership property (if you’re on UC, you’d probably be entitled to support with the rent element of your monthly outgoings). If you do manage to stay in the home, you’ll probably find it feels a lot bigger without the beer-swilling arsehole wandering around it, winding your kids up.

I still find it deeply disappointing that even with a labour govt in power we are still pretty much all getting below inflation pay rises in the public sector.

I don't want to be part of the brain drain to the private sector because I love my job and feel I genuinely make a difference, but it gets harder and harder to justify staying

Does your husband agree about the house being too small, the severity of the children’s needs and the necessity of you working part-time? I just wondered as his behaviour sounds very strange; a medical professional withholding prescribed medication from their child is awful. Do your children have EHCPs? If so has he seen/read them? Does he ever attend their medical appointments/ parents’ evenings? Could he be struggling to understand why the children need a parent to help them go to bed but can go out to friends’ houses for example?

If your home is well kept then no one will really bat an eyelid.I can understand where your DH is coming from , more financial pressure will give you a better house , but maybe not a better life.

However surroundings are important so I would:

De clutter like mad
Look into options for building to the side or back a utility type room
or even a small porch to the front if possible.

I know this is going to come across badly but I am not quite sure how to say it in a better way. You are both NHS workers doing incredible work that we all benefit from. The fact that you can only afford a small house in a nice area is not your failing and people will see it as that. Personally I want my DC to be friends with nice families and I’d much rather you in a small house than a family in a super house where money is their God and they would kill their granny to get it.

You are doing great work and keeping your family together - there is immense pride in that and well done.

The pressure from a too small house is real and difficult but it doesn’t define you or how others see you

Comparison is the thief of joy, and looking up your kids friends houses on rightmove is rather extreme. It sounds like you may benefit from counselling/therapy/time off work for stress as you have a lot of stressful things going on. Moving house is also an extremely stressful process so whilst the dream of more space is nice, the reality of what you go through to actually movevis hellish

How much would it cost you to move?

You have been together a long time under difficult circumstances. Things are extremely stressful for both of you.
Get the application forms for DLA.
Look at rental properties locally lower than yours with more space.
A couple of my friends bought on a new buyer scheme in shitty small apartments once they had children, they rent them out and rent a bigger place.
If things are still bad between you, then consider separating. The space and extra money might be all you both need.

Your DH is very much the negative factor here. Do you feel like he is purposely punishing you?

Could you look into benefits like others have suggested. Do you want him to leave? Would he sign the house over to you?

Small houses can be happy houses.