AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

YABU.

I bit the bullet and moved from the south east to somerset for a better quality of life and a bigger house. My NHS salary is the same here but progression up the band level is quicker. I dont regret it. I'm much happier.

Exactly this. You are focusing too much on what you perceive other people to have and not really looking at what you do have. There are always people with far more than you but so many more with far less. You say you live in the countryside, that in itself is beautiful. You both work in jobs that help others, you provide a stable and safe home and (I assume) it’s a loving household. Please look at the enormous positives you give to your children. I have to ask though, would it not be possible for you to return to work full time and apply for promotion and your dh work part time instead?

Sounds like a nice house and area and youve raised the kids to mid-teens there already so they won’t be living at home for long now unless their needs are so severe they won’t leave. In the latter case, I’d sell up and move to a cheaper area. There’s lots of places with bigger homes for less money and plenty of communities where everyone isn’t wealthy and living in big homes. But you’ve chosen to stay and there are upsides like the nice area and your kids having friends who are well off, which yes has some downsides but is also what some aspirational people want.

Your DC’s issues wouldn’t necessarily be easier in another place, so at this point I’d stay where they’re familiar and settled and not fixate on this issue that isn’t the main one. However small, it’s their home and could be much worse, especially if you rented and had to keep moving at a landlords whim. If you choose to stay, own that choice and try to be glad of the upsides rather than comparing to 4 beds of families who will have their own struggles.

The school refusal sounds more pressing than home size and so does any way to earn more. Is there anything outside of school that your DC likes that could earn them anything and build their confidence? Helping with horses, dog walking etc. Maybe their needs are too severe I don’t know, but better to not be feeling bleak thinking the door is closed on all opportunities for the future just because of how things are right now. Those mid/late teen years fly by and things do change.

Our house is bigger but nothing like the size of most of DS2’s friends’ houses. I did have a conversation with him once about it. He wasn’t complaining, but just commenting on X’s large house, but he also knew that X’s mum worked long hours full time and he admitted he liked it that I did not work full time and that when he was young I’d worked 3 days and we had two weekdays pre-school where we spent hours in the park, at the library, museum etc. Your two are old enough to understand that choices are important. They should know, for example, that you could have had a bigger house in a less desirable area where they might not have liked living. My two understood that when they were teens.

And they will also be picking up on your frustration with the house. Try to dial that down and do what you can to make space in the house. And remember that if you compare downwards you feel a lot better. You could be in a small house in a less desirable area.

Or, if the bigger house really matters more than the area, discuss moving, and see what you can find elsewhere for what you’re paying now. Chances are they won’t want to move.

On a practical level, is there space to add a porch to the front door? That would alleviate the entry problem which I think is the biggest stressor.

Could you then add a small divider or bookcase to the entry to create a false division between the door/ stairs and main living room so it feels more private coming into the house and sitting in the living room.

Is there any ability to extend into the loft to create more space for your DC?

Are there any walls you can open up to make the downstairs are feel larger? Having 4 walls will make a small room feel smaller so if the kitchen could be opened up to the lounge/ dining that would help.

Do you have lots of little pieces of furniture ? If so can you switch these for fewer, but bigger pieces. It feels counterintuitive but having one large sofa and an oversized ottoman that you can use as storage/ extra seating/ a coffee table, will feel a lot more spacious to a room than having a small sofa and three armchairs and side tables for example.

Finally is it that extending into the garden/ side return (if you have one) is not affordable or simply a case of not having enough garden to extend into?

I would also adopt a minimalist approach to possessions - it will make your home feel a lot bigger. And finally, watch YouTube channels such as Never Too Small - there are people with larger families than yours purposely living in gorgeous small properties. You might pick up some good tips for storage, layout and decor that will make your home feel a lot larger.

If the dc have additional needs are you claiming dla for them (or PIP if over 16)?

Because he is a higher pay band than me so that would make no sense financially. Plus he doesn't want to. He isn't good at all with the needs of our DC, in fact he's absolutely awful when their emotional/mental health needs spike because he just gets angry with them if they dysregulate, whereas I stay calm with them. He's also horrendous with their day to day physical needs. I've worked some evening shifts at weekends when he's home and he doesn't give them dinner till 9pm and doesn't put them to bed at all, just leaves them to stay up whilst they dysregulate (neither of them are capable of going up to bed themselves independently). He just walks around glass of beer in hand glued to his phone. I don't think they ever see him without a beer in one hand and his phone in the other hand. He's completely disengaged from their needs. I gave him the job of administering DD a daily important prescription medication 3 months ago just to try and delegate some of the parental responsibilities I am drowning under, I assumed he was giving it daily, being an NHS clinician, and after 4 weeks I found out he hadn't administered 1 single dose on 1 single day and this is for a child who is highly symptomatic. I don't trust him to work pt and be with our children whilst I work ft. He doesn't want to anyway. Plus DC tell me they only feel fully secure when I'm at home looking after them.

It's just the way it is, if there's nothing you can do, no point worrying about it. I grew up in a run down council house, all my friends parents owned. It bothered me at the time which was really only because the adults judged me. All my friends just dealt with it.

I’d put a bunk bed in the box room, then sleepovers are possible.

I’m in the same boat in a small house, just a tiny bit bigger than yours at 95sq m. My kids have had friends stay over, I just put down a spare mattress on the floor and sleeping bag and they were happy.

End of the day op its just four walls and a roof, long as you, dh and dc are okay it really doesn't matter. I was one of those kids growing up with a 6 bed house and let me tell you now I always preferred going to my friends smaller houses. They just felt more normal!
I would get embarrassed inviting people to mine to the point I actually choose to live in a similar house like yours and both mine have send too.

OP your house isnt tiny. Mine is the same size and is a perfectly normal 3 bedroom house - completely adequate for 2 kids.
Your issues aren't because of your house.

In similar situation we live in affluent area

in casual conversation parents have
( genuinely without bragging as these are nice people ) I have been told that they spent 70k on tweaking the garden , 8 grand on “ not the main holiday”

complained that new car has glitched and you expect more when you pay 50k

all the while my bed is held together with gaffer tape my fridge is limping on my prayers
i need new front door etc etc basic things like bed and fridge home security- basic things i cant afford to replace

the whatsapp group is full of expensive santa experiences that “ they do every year but get booked ip fast so posting this here to be helpful “. Its not helpful to me its heartbreaking

Ah, okay. I think as usual on MN, you actually have a DH problem. It’s utterly appalling that he didn’t give your child the medication! What on earth did he say when you found out?

No i don't claim a thing.
DC are 15 and 12 now and I literally have never been able to work beyond school hours because they could never cope with after school clubs when they were younger due to sensory overload and emotional dysregulation and now they're too old for after school clubs but they can't cope alone at home either.
I suggested 1 hour home alone after school to my 15 yr old and he had a full on anxiety attack at the mention of it.
I've never even thought to look at benefits because me & DH both work so aren't entitled to UC.

This sounds really tough.
my friend had a similar situation with a house that was too small and she couldn’t afford to move and so she rented a bigger house for her family and rented out the one she owned. Would this be an option?
Or sell yours and buy and buy a bigger one in a slightly cheaper area?

We’re not huge wage earners either and we live in a semi and most of our kids friends live in huge new builds! X

Think how much more space you’d have without your useless dh taking up room …

Your husband sounds ridiculous. Kick him out and you'll have plenty more space for the rest of your family

I am similar in that we live in a very humble small home, with much wealthier people in much bigger houses very nearby. I joke about it with my DC and always tell tell them to be proud of who we are - we may be poor but we’ve got humour and brains… and jobs that are useful in society (as do you!).

As PP said, comparison is the thief of joy. A home is more than the 4 walls and th square footage. It's the love and care that it provides. Teens will also be embarrassed by anything !
When I split up I had to buy a much small home, my ex kept the large family home. My kids never brought their friends to their Dad's place, only ever mine. Mine is smaller, less space. But I make them feel more comfortable and Dad hates mess and wants everything spotless all the time. So just to say that space isn't everything.
Of course you wish you had a bigger home, it's only natural. But you live in a great area and perhaps you can put away rightmove and just try to make the best of what you've got.

I understand the desire for more room, absolutely.

I wonder if there's anything you could do that would shift your thinking towards "crikey, we're lucky to be living in a lovely village (with good schools)". I was visiting a magistrate's court for various reasons, specifically the courtroom dealing with cases where people hadn't been bailed, and it really really reminded me how lucky I am.

I guess the other question is is there anything you could do to feel less run ragged? So e.g. could you delegate one night a week of dinner to each of the kids? The responsibility might even be helpful for them?

For things like that I usually say "there's no charge for ideas" and then we just put all the ideas out there - on a piece of paper or a whiteboard or whatever. Don't dismiss them out of hand. And then see which, if any, would help.

Maybe that you're going to have a 2 or 3-week rotating menu because meal planning is exhausting. Or that you're going to give the kids responsibility so that one of them does the bathroom every week and they share that job between the two of them. Or that you want to put up more checklists so that you and the kids between you can do more of the housework so that that's not another burden.

You haven't specifically mentioned housework, but I find the running of a household a real drain on my mental resources and it sounds like you've got a lot of other mental resource drains on top of everything else. So I guess I'm wondering if there's anything that can be done to optimise what you can so that you have as much capacity as possible for the extra parts that are on top of normal householding.

Work nights and progress your career?

I voted you are not being unreasonable because I mean you haven’t done anything wrong/ unreasonable and you’re probably right they’re self conscious.

Your children are old enough to get hangups about how they look to others. However, my children (nearly teens) have sibling friends who live in a small house and their mother is an NHS midwife and my children have never mentioned the house at all, only wanting to hang out with their friends.
I also respect the family and am aware how underpaid they are. They are a positive family in the area which makes me grateful.
I’m sorry you feel so buried under all the problems. I think it’s hit so many people. I think many of us have had to reduce our dreams. Good luck.

Oh sorry OP, I only just saw your update on your DH. That does sound like the issue.

That’s unfair and nasty