DS wants to quit his expensive hobbies but DH says absolutely not

[MauveBiscuit]

ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.

ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.

I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.

Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.

dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.

What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.

We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.

dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.

dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.

I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.

I’d let him pick which one he likes best and drop the other. He can carry on the best one for another 6 months or so and see how he feels.

My son has started saying a similar thing. We’ve agreed that he will do a term of practising but not competing to see how he feels when the stress is off and if he can refine the love of the sport. If he does a term and still doesn’t want to continue, then I’ll let him leave. There’s a difference between teaching commitment and forcing stuff on a child and it’s definitely a hard line to find sometimes. Goodluck!

I agree with your husband to a point. I was a child who was allowed to try everything and quit as soon as it got difficult or dull, consequently I have grade one in five instruments amongst other things and find it difficult to stick to things even now as an adult if they are hard or boring. However, in your son’s case, he has stuck to something, he’s done two hobbies for an extended period. Your husband is really risking damaging his relationship with your son if he doesn’t back down on this

Your son's heart is not in it so dh should let him stop is Dh more into the Moto cross?.
If forced ds could end up resenting his dad for years.
Your 9yr old daughter showing more empathy to her brother than what his dad is.

Hope you get it sorted no fun being piggy in the middle.

Many kids get fed up with hobbies and change them.

honestly if he’s been swimming since 7 he’s done really well. Money spent on exercise in the child years is never wasted. It’s helped him be healthy.

most swimmers hit a point in their teens where unless they are winning medals it’s not worth the long hours in the pool and the early starts.

personally I’d see out the term and then get him to try out new forms of exercise.

I think he’s old enough to make that decision. Our interests can change as we mature and throwing more money at it is simply
a waste if he is not enjoying them anymore.
I would say what you have already spent is not wasted as he was enjoying it then

I’d let the poor lad quit. If your DH is really digging his heels in, could you compromise and let him quit one for now (and then maybe give up the second in six months or so as well)?

You flitting from activity to activity isn't your parents' fault for allowing you to stop doing something you got bored with! Take a bit of self responsibility, you're an adult and responsible for your own actions now. If you can't stick at something now, that's on you.

FFS

He's done both for a reasonable amount of time

AND he's at the point where schoolwork will start ramping up

There will have been money spent on Motocross that can be recovered such as bike and kit

If you look at it objectively, do you think DH has sucked the fun out of it for DS?

It sounds like he's been pushed past the point of it being fun, and into serious competing?

It's nonsense for DH to say it's all wasted money, he did enjoy it, it was worth the money at the time, and it's not like he'll never get in water or ride a bike again.

Is there a less intense route he might be interested in? Just meets/fun clubs, no competitions, training schedule etc?

He's old enough to choose his hobbies.

Seen far too many kids in competitive hobbies that are only there because their parents make them be there, and it really shows. It's amazing that you've been in a position to throw so much money into his hobbies, it's a luxury that he probably hasn't realised as such. I do think hobbies are massively worthwhile though, I always used to try "if you're giving up X then you need to pick something else and commit for a while" but my DC isn't much older than yours and it gets hard when they're so invested in friends and gaming, at least in my world anyway.

It peak age for dropping out of sport. I agree with PP saying let him choose which 1 to drop, but he should keep one going. For out of school friendship and fitness.

I don't really understand the waste of money argument from DH. Isn't continuing to spend money on making your son miserable now far more more a waste than having paid for him to enjoy himself previously?!

I would personally say to quit the motocross as it’s a dangerous thing to be doing half-heartedly.

then, with regards to swimming I would say he can quit once he finds an alternate sport as physical exercise is important. However, he doesn’t need to compete.

I’d encourage him to keep up the swimming in some way. Can he still ride in his own time? Not everything has to be competitive, most adults do things because they like them, not for competition.
If DH worries about the money he’s ‘wasted’ how does he feel about making him do it for 2/3/4 more years and then him dropping it.

I’d let him stop both after seeing out the block of whatever you’ve paid for. These are hobbies. Seems little benefit in forcing DS to continue.

If you’ve spent more than you’d have liked, that’s down to you & DH.

& the money wasn’t wasted if DS gained skills and had good times.

The motocross is dad’s thing I think. Swimming isn’t anywhere near as expensive. Both can be retrieved as hobbies later if DS wants. These two are far too full on surely? What about school sport? Is there time for this? I’d suggest he stops one but keeps one going.

They are both competitive sports too. They might mean he’s continually losing. Maybe he’s less competitive than his dad would like him to be? Maybe he’d like team sports more? Swimming and motocross aren’t really team sports.

Competitive swimming and motocross sound like two very intensive hobbies. To make him continue both is a bit cruel in my opinion.

Also is motocross not quite a dangerous sport? I wouldn’t want him competing in races when his heart isn’t in it.

Lastly I expect how your H is dealing with this will affect how both your DS and DD view trying anything new in the future.

Does he have a swimming coach? Is there possibly sexual interference going on? Something gave me a chill as I was reading. Please dig deeper.

Your husband’s attitude is odd. It’s not money “wasted”. You got your money’s worth while DS was participating.

Sometimes (and I have been guilty of this) parents get a sense of achievement by proxy when their kids are special or good at something. Maybe your H is unconsciously sad about having a kid who “just” likes XBox and football?

When children are small, you get a much bigger say in how they spend their time. 12 is about the time they get to make up their own minds.

I’d definitely let him give up motocross. With swimming, if he a bit burnt out, maybe see if he wants to keep training for fitness and social, without the pressure of competitions.

Is there anything else going on with him that might be affecting his mood, motivation or confidence?

@KvotheTheBloodless wow that was a bit aggressive, are you ok! I’m so grateful to my parents for giving me amazing opportunities and I understand their reasoning in not wanting to make me do things I didn’t enjoy but it’s important to teach children to stick with things and not just quit at the first moment of difficulty! Obviously, as an adult I do just get on with things but it’s much harder for me than for my husband who was encouraged to stick to things even when they were challenging

I don’t know much about motocross but I would have thought if his heart isn’t in it then he could well loose focus and then there is a risk of injury?
I would be more inclined to push the swimming as atleast there is a significant exercise benefit, can’t imagine there is as much with motocross but I might be wrong.
Personally though if he doesn’t want to do it then he doesn’t want to do it. You have paid the money for the 2 years he has done, I mean at some point it was going to come to an end wasn’t it? He wasn’t going to continue both to adulthood I imagine. I think saying you have to continue to the end of the period you have paid memberships for is fair then he has a little time to make sure it’s his final decision too. I quite liked the idea someone said of telling him he can train and not compete in the interim, see if that changes his mindset.
In terms of the motocross equipment I would explain to DS that if you sell it then you absolutely are not buying it again so it’s a final decision, maybe suggest he takes a 6 month break and then see before you sell it?

I agree with all of this. I can’t see any reason to encourage a child to push through on a dangerous hobby if their heart isn’t in it. But it’s important to stay active and busy so he should spend some time trying out new things.