ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.
ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.
I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.
Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.
dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.
What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.
We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.
dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.
dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.
I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.