DS wants to quit his expensive hobbies but DH says absolutely not

[MauveBiscuit]

ds is 12, year 8, and has told us he wants to quit both his hobbies. dh has said absolutely not. these aren’t £20 a month clubs either, they are swimming and motocross and we have spent a stupid amount on both. I agree with ds that he should be allowed to stop, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. dh thinks I’m teaching him that he can give up when something gets difficult. We’ve had argument about it tonight and I don’t know what the right thing is.

ds genuinely did choose both of these and loved them, so it’s not us forcing him into something he never wanted. He started swimming at 7 because he was obsessed with being in the water, then lessons became squad training and eventually competitions. He was really excited by it all. Motocross started at 10 after dh took him to watch a friend’s son race and ds was completely hooked. He watched racing videos, talked about bikes constantly and couldn’t wait for race days. So I’m not pretending he’s always hated them.

I only added up the money recently and nearly choked tbh. Swimming and squad stuff is about £185 a month, then probably £70-100 petrol getting to meets, sometimes more. Motocross averages around £160 a month before bike parts and bike bits, tyres, race entries and all the kit. Wetsuits, goggles, boots, helmets, fuel, things that need replacing etc. We’ve had a couple of nights away for swimming too. I reckon £7-8k over the last two years, although some equipment could be sold. dh isn’t normally reckless with money, which is why this argument is awkward.

Over the last six months ds has got reluctant. First it was that he was tired, then he started missing training, then he didn’t want to race. Now he says he doesn’t enjoy either. He sits in the car before swimming and asks how long he’s got left. Before motocross he gets tense if dh starts talking about the next race. He’s not refusing everything though. He goes to school, sees friends, plays football in the park and plays his xbox. It’s these two things he doesn’t want at the moment really.

dh says ds is 12 and doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks children reach a point where something gets boring and that we shouldn’t teach him quitting is the answer. He says ds could regret giving them up. He’s told him you don’t have to love everything you do and that we’ve made sacrifices for him. I really agree with perseverance though. I’m not against finishing things after a bad week. But ds has been doing swimming for years and motocross for two, and this really doesn’t feel like one bad week anymore.

What is getting to me is dh keeps saying “the money we’ve wasted”. I understand why he says it. It is a lot of money. But I don’t think ds should have to keep going just because we’ve already spent it. dh says if he quits now then all that money will have been wasted. I keep saying the money has already gone, whether ds swims on Saturday or not. I know that sounds easy when it isn’t just my money either. I earn less than dh and I know it.

We aren’t struggling, but we’re not sitting on thousands for hobbies either. We’ve got the mortgage, two cars because of work, bills and dd’s things. We could keep paying for this, but I’d rather put some of the money towards a holiday together, savings or replacing my car which is getting ancient. dh says we’d only waste it on something else. He’s not being horrible, he genuinely thinks paying for things and sticking at them teaches ds something. I just think there comes a point where you’re paying to make a child miserable.

dh has suggested he finishes the current season. ds has already said he doesn’t want to compete anymore. dh says we can’t pull him out halfway through after paying membership and buying everything. Yesterday ds asked me if I could “just tell Dad I don’t want to do it anymore”. That got to me tonight and it upset me a lot. I really don’t want him feeling like he has to ask me to fight his corner, but I also don’t want to ignore what he’s actually saying.

dd has even said ds should be allowed to stop because “it’s his hobby”. She’s 9 and I’ve told her she’s not getting involved or taking sides. dh says that both children will learn they can give up. we could sell motocross stuff and get some money back, but dh doesn’t want to. He says ds might change his mind and then we’d have to buy everything again. I don’t know if keeping a bike and all the kit just in case makes sense to me tbh.

I’ve told dh I’m willing to pay ds’s remaining swimming fees for now if we need to, but I don’t want to keep paying for motocross if he genuinely doesn’t want it. dh says I’m undermining him and ds will learn nothing about commitment. is 12 old enough to say an expensive hobby he once loved isn’t for him? Especially when we’ve already spent the money. I really don’t know what to do about any of it at all.

Well it would have to be a new hobby where his dad isn’t (metaphorically) standing over him cracking the whip.

That character was the first thing I thought of. Maybe OP needs to show her dh a clip.

Money hasn't been wasted if your son has enjoyed the hobbies in the past, but it will be wasted going forward if he is just being forced to do them. Poor boy, let him concentrate on school and his friends.

They’re hobbies not masters degrees. Something you do for fun because you enjoy them. If he’s not enjoying them why on earth would anyone consider making him continue. Childhood goes so fast and enough of it is already spent in school. Poor kid. Your DH is looking at it from completely the wrong angle, the money spent wasn’t wasted, it was spent on your son enjoying his time. Or did he see it as an investment in his future and hope it would all be repaid once he became famous for swimming the Atlantic in 20 minutes or something?

You don't need to have a massive row, just say no he isn't going. What will he do pick him up and carry him, refuse to be dragged into an argument

Since both sports are individual and highly intense, I think the compromise would be to finish the term and if he still wants to quit. Let him. Maybe he just want to play footy with his friends, maybe a team sport where you win and lose together is what is missing.

I admit in hindsight we didn't listen to one of our son who wanted to quit his football long before we agreed. He had just lost interest, covid was a big factor and his team mates weren't that nice. His body was also growing and he kept being in sort of undiagnosed pain here there and everywhere

What’s your dh’s interpretation of ‘finishing’ a hobby properly? An Olympic gold? or is National champion good enough? What constitutes an acceptable finishing point to a hobby to him?

Well, if it were me, I’d say he can stop swimming at the end of this term, no matter what. Motocross he can stop at the end of the year, and you’ll be selling his kit. Just dropping out in the middle of a season or a set of pre-paid sessions isn’t okay. But DH doesn’t get to say he’ll have to do them forever.

A 7 year old cannot possibly be expected to commit to a lifelong hobby.

Why doesn't he involve himself in the club in his own merit? Lots of people staying involved with teams and clubs after their kids leave.

It does sound like you H has ruined it for your S , he still likes the sport, he doesn't like doing competitions but it's the competitions H likes.

I’m just repeating what PP’s have said but it sounds like he wants out of the competitions. 3 evenings a week and weekend for swimming does sound a lot, especially if his heart isn’t in it. His friendships are probably becoming more important now, he wants to spend time with his mates.

I think I’d let him drop the swimming first and he can do it for fun or fitness. The motocross (I know nothing about this) is it possible to do without being attached to a club? To just do for fun or dip in and out of? I get in a way that you don’t want him to drop out on a whim and regret it but also all through life what is important to us changes. Tastes change, enjoyment changes so letting him stop but not shutting the door seems a good middle ground.

He enjoyed hos cluns and now as a preteen he is changing So let him! .cost etc so what.

I would let him drop them but want him to choose another activity.

I think if you find something you really love, you won’t stop doing it when it gets difficult. I’d let him stop. Your DH sounds like a ‘don’t know they’re born’ sergeant major type.

@MauveBiscuit Find out if your son can do junior life guard training, diving (like Tom Daley) or snorkeling instead? My local leisure centre runs all of those for teenagers. They are a lower time commitment than competitive swimming, but often have membership overall, so built in friends.

I know people who swam competitively as children who get back into it at uni.

My child danced from 4 years old until 11/12 , i didn't spend anywhere near as much as op but it was still a commitment .
It eventually clearly became a chore and she didn't always want to go , i repeatedly asked her if she wanted to quit until she ended up missing more than she attended so in the end i kind of pushed her into making the decision to finally quit for good.
She told me she was relieved not to have to go again and not once has she ever wanted to do it again.
Just because a child starts a hobby that becomes a commitment either time and or financially when they clearly no longer want to do it i think you may as well end it as its no fun for either kid or parent.

Is he good enough to make a career out of either? If not then his choice to stop. If yes then ask him to choose one to give up and review the other in a few months.

@Daffodilsinthespring you're allowed to give something up even if you are good at it and could make a career from it. Also, most people don't go into hobbies to make a career. They're meant to be fun, usually involve exercise ( often) involve socialising and learning a bit of resilience. The actual content is less important ie you can get those benefits from all sorts of hobbies and don't need to continue them. If people have tried things and enjoyed them, experienced a bit of success then they are more likely to be active for life. Even if they do different hobbies later on

Id let him withdraw from Moto Cross and keep swimming unitl end of season. Perhaps talk to couch about taking comp side down a notch.
Dc could try freestyle or race bmx. Have lots in common with moto cross but less pressure.

Your DH is a control freak-he can start swimming or motocross if he wants to, instead of controlling his child
let your DS make his own choices, why are you making his life miserable?
I’ve known parents to control their children and once they reach 18- go onto Uni, they never come back home, they have freedom!

I think your husband is a controlling bully and should start worrying about his son’s mental health!! He has been swimming for 5 years and bored now , he’s spent 2 years motorcrossing and has lost interest fair enough he’s tried . Let him stop he’s getting no benefit or happiness from them now so what’s the point .?
?

What does he mean ? When do you ‘finish’ motocross or swimming?

OPs son has been swimming since 7 years old. She choose to pick an expensive swim class. The money that's been spent is irrelevant IMO. He has done the club's for a number of years and now doesnt want to. It sounds cruel and controlling. Poor kid!

I haven't RTFT but it seems no-one is mentioning puberty which is typical around that age.

For competitive swimming, not even actual competition, the variance between onset and effect for different boys can make it horrible as it impacts relative ability and to an extent the pecking order. Also, it's a hormonal upset for the boy. Similarly, motocross is physical. And then, of course, there is an awakening of other things at that age - girls, school, emotions, and friendship groups.

We always had massive dropout of boys in the 12-14 range at the sailing club. Partly as these effects kicked in, and partly as people realised that they were never going to be top tier. Dinghy sailing is always about racing as, quite simply, it's fairly boring if there's no real purpose to it.

It would be a shame if he lost it completely, but he'll always be able to swim well after a grounding like that, and hopefully he'll not be desperate to ride a motorbike at 16 since he's already got it out of his system.

I'd try and get DH to remember what he was like at that age - did he drop things that he now regrets? And what his reason for baling was.

TBF, I find that many hobbies seem to have a 7-year cycle of excitement at something new, years of improvement, then plateauing, then a desire for something new, and then often returning to it in later life and enjoying it afresh. If you're forced to continue with it there's a good chance you'll never ever go back to it - and that really would be money wasted.

I found it became boring after a while, winning most of the races, but watching others improve and get closer - and it all becomes a bit of a routine, like work.

Good luck

I'd let him quit in the way they are done now. One of mine swam for years, tried competitive swimming but hated it, kept going with the badges, to Hough and did lifesaving. Maybe OP's son might like to try lifesaving. Motocross, only for fun seems sensible.
Could be five up the competitive side of both and just have fun- sounds like that would free up a fair bit of time that he could play football with friends or take up art, woodwork, birdwatching or join a young people's theatre group . And it's ok to try something, quite enjoy it, but decide you don't want to keep doing it, what you learn doing different things can help you develop skills. Stopping something means you can try something else

Your husband is a bully who is living vicariously through his son. He is not doing this for your son, he is selfish and doing it all for him. Only thinking of himself. Your son is now in high school and different priorities. Let him quit both of them as long as he concentrates on his schoolwork. And I'd be thinking about your relationship with your 'D'H. Stage dads who bully and browbeat and guilt their child to do things they are NOT HAPPY DOING are scum imo. Leave your son alone and let him quit both. He's a child, a human being in his own right. With his own wants and needs, not some plaything for your H to live through.