AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

Honestly I think its fine.

Leisure time needs to be equal though or resentment builds.

Make sure youre getting your needs met too.

Young children are so hard - things just change suddenly and things get easier. Hang in there.

I think it’s really healthy for parents to have a social life and to go away with friends. dh and I have did it every year since dc were about 1- usually for 3-5 nights. However if either of us knew that the trip was over a Christmas party/ other event and we had no other babysitting options then the other wouldn’t go. Just because you wouldn’t leave the children doesn’t mean he shouldn’t. I think it’s good for the non main carer to experience caring for children full time.

Absolutely no issues with someone going away as long as he would also be ok with you going away and leaving him with the kids.

Mine are 6 and 3 and my DH has been away several times since they were babies. I haven’t been away as much but because I choose not to.

Only thing he should have done is checked whether you had any plans before booking his trip, not fair you have to miss the work Christmas party. Do you have family who can baby sit for that evening?

Five nights is a bit long, but I'm basically in favour of both of you doing this. I'd really recommend you doing it too OP - just for a night or two if you don't want to leave them for as long as that. Your kids will be fine with their dad and it'll be good for you to have a break and do something you enjoy.

We have never done done this been together 20 years and have 3 kids 14, nearly 11 and 7

our holiday money is family money
a night out with friend yes
a weekend or holiday without each other and the kids - no

we would also never go as a couple and leave our kids

but people do and my older son has a friend who’s parents do this and he and his brother have always felt a bit left out they go to their grandparents who I’m sure give them a nice time but while the parents do 2 weeks in a 5* Caribbean hotel adults only and take the kids to haven as the money is spent on them!

Kids will prefer Haven.

Personally I haven't done this but know plenty of people who do. I think it's fine if you are both happy with the arrangement, but in your case you aren't.
I think you would need to look at exactly why you don't want him to go away.
Is it because it's shared money?
Is it that you wouldn't choose to do it so you think he should feel the same? Do you think you should only go on holiday together? As you also mention that for the party you wanted to book a hotel for the two of you so it's not simply about him being away from the kids.
Did he not check dates before or did the party date get booked after he already booked his holiday?

For me as long as family get a holiday first and there is money as time available for both parents to do something it's fine. We would holiday as a couple with no kids before we would go separately as luckily had GP to have the DC and our relationship as a couple was important. We did manage weekends with friends too, probably him more than me as my friends didn't want to go away much.

What isn't fine in your circumstances is that you have plans with your Christmas party. Ask him to change the dates so you don't miss out.

Well it’s a bit late at this point I suppose! I’m not precious about this stuff, DH often has to work away for months at a time, 5 nights isn’t long. I had to leave DH with toddlers when I had to work away for a week. The key is both have the same opportunity, just because you don’t want to shouldn’t mean he then doesn’t get the choice. We’re all adults and have lives to lead, I don’t think we should have to pause life until kids are grown.

However, it’s the money that would bother me more than the time, when our children were that young we spent so much on childcare one of us spending money on a holiday would have depleted our family holiday funds. That’s the main reason we wouldn’t have done it.

I know a lot of MN pp think this is perfectly normal and acceptable. But personally I don't understand creating a family unit by having children and then wanting to escape from it, and parenting responsibilities, by going off on holiday with your pals as though they're single. I honestly wonder why have children if they need to escape from them?
It's also alien to me that people have so much time and money they can afford solo holidays on top of family holidays.

So I agree with you OP that I think your partner is being unreasonable. I think he is being selfish and is showing his time with his friends is more important to him than you and his children.

It's normal and reasonable to go away with friends.

Just because you choose not to do the same, doesn't mean that husband should be deprived of the opportunity.

He is leaving the children in the presumably capable hands of their mother.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable for going away - as long as he would let you do the same.

I would be a bit miffed on the timing if he knew your work party plans prior, but make sure you go and have a good time.

I went away for a week (it was an OU summer school residential but it wasn't compulsory and and I completely went for the social aspect of it) when my children were 8 yrs and 11 months old and left them with their dad.

I think it's inportant that people do things with their immediate family but also that you get chance to still be yourself and the yourself that isn't being a partner or a parent. If i thought I could only ever go on holiday with the same 2 or 3 people for evermore, I'd find it incredibly stifling and claustrophobic.

There needs to be a joint solution to arranging childcare for your christmas night out though. It can't just become your problem that ends up with you not going because the childcare solution is left to you to find and there isn't one.

More than the Caribbean, I don’t think so.

This!

You weren’t free on these dates to do his share of childcare for him, so how was he able to book then?

He should at least sort the overnight babysitting that is required for you to have the night out before he books.

I wouldn’t have a problem with 5 nights away with those age children, you don’t have a baby at home. If your work party was on the calendar though he shouldn’t go away at that time, your event was booked in the calendar first. Whose going to have the CT listen whilst you’re there?

Our kids are now 22 and 21. DH has had a 1 week ski trip with friends every year since DS was 3 months old, apart from the year I was heavily pregnant with a 1 year old baby. I’ve had the odd weekend away with friends and if I’d wanted to go for a week he’d have been fine with it. As long as you’re happy that he pulls his weight generally and is a good parent, I’d let it go x

personally I don't understand creating a family unit by having children and then wanting to escape from it, and parenting responsibilities, by going off on holiday with your pals

Because children don't last forever.

Maintaining a sense of self and nurturing relationships outside of the family is so important.

It is also ok to have a break.

I woiuld have no issue, but this complicated mothering issue mothers put on themselves ''I will waste away unless I am with my children 24/7 the world will end "- shouldn't be put on to others

sure if a partner goes away and says ''I get to go away but not you'' that is an issue, but it is not a competition on how much a person can stay home

Shock horror life does not end when we have children

What are your specific concerns? That it’s hard work for you with the kids? The money? You feel left out?

I personally think it’s fine but it might help to understand why you are not keen for him to go.

It’s about equity and fairness for me. We don’t have the money to have individual holidays and a family holiday each year so we can’t do this (but I’d love to!). We do however each go out with our friends regularly, have afternoons alone regularly, etc.

Very different if this is a one off special occasion (and not able to be planned around your party) versus being the regular thing that he goes to the football or away for weekends and you are 24/7 with the kids or at work.

No issue in principal, but really annoying that it's at the same time as your Xmas party?

Dates should have been agreed between you, not just told to you.

And you need to have the same opportunity.

I don't think he's unreasonable for going away. I think its healthy yo have leasure time with friends.

I think it would be unreasonable for him to book without checking what you have going on as s family first.

Realistically,you said it's okay so you runner stamped it. You need to say what you mean in future rather than pretend its okay and get pissed off about it. Also, you need to go away. He will never appreciate what you do if he never has to actually do it.

My husband has been away on several holidays. I never have. The most i did was a 3 monthly day trip. Anyway,I got really sick recently and ended up hospitalised. He now has a new found respect and understanding of what I actually do and how long my days are. He'll understand even more bevsuse im not actually allowed to lift anything more than 10lbs so he'll be doing all the housework apart from dusting for the next 6 weeks.

Not something my husband or I would do. We have four children. It's a lot of work and we don't like to leave it to just one person. And frankly, when we do take a break (and we don't have the opportunity often), it's to spend time as a couple. Like a PP, I also don't understand this going away with friends stuff when you have young kids. There's a season for everything.

Where would the kids have gone if you’d both gone away for the night? It sounds like you have help. Will it involve you using any of your leave? I would have to take time off work if my husband did this due to our school drop off/ pick ups. That would change what he is asking for as would mean you’re using leave to pick up his share of things also.