AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

You should absolutely take the opportunity to get childcare and go on your works party alone. You don’t need your husband to accompany you to socialise with the people you work with day in day out. Make that stance. Start carving a life for yourself alongside your children and husband. A gym class once a week? Dinner out with friends?

I also work 2-3 days opposed to my husband who can rack up 60 hours a week. We are comfortable because he brings home the wonga, in return I do the lions share of household tasks. He did help out with kids tho as and when he could and would cook tea on the evenings he was home.

It sounds like there is much more to this than the 5 nights away. Maybe it’s an opportunity to have a cards on the table discussion, then start to create a life for yourself that isn’t consumed by housework and childcare, your husband is!

Hard disagree - what you actually model by having a life outside of your family unit is that everyone is an individual with their own needs that matter too. Best way to build self worth in children is to model that you have some for yourself.

We share our money but keep a set amount each every month - trips like this would be paid for out of individual "fun money" and so then it doesn't impact on the family budget.

You’re a martyr then.

You don’t need to sort everything out before you go out. Leave your husband to it.

You want the load shared, say it.

“DH, I would like it if you could start doing one school drop/make dinner a week.”

If you’re going to do everything and never ask for change, you’re never going to get change.

And you’ve said yourself, you don’t want to leave your children for as long as your DH has, that doesn’t mean you get to say it’s unfair that he’s ok with that.

When you do go out in the evenings, you shouldn’t get everything ready. Chat to your DH, say you’re going out on XX day, can he be home by xx time. If the time you’re out is over lunch/dinner/bedtime - just say to your DH at that stage that he’ll need to sore dinner/lunch and leave it at that. It’s up to him after that. When my children were younger and I’d go away for a few days/overnight or just out to lunch, I never, ever prepared meals to cover my absence, never left lists of what to do, never left out clothes for the children. I married a capable man who is just as able and competent as I am at child-care. You need to nip in the bud the situation that’s been created in the home whereby you do everything because you are the woman.

If your work Christmas dinner was already in the calendar for the time he’s now away and it is an employee/partner dinner, then he really shouldn’t go on the holiday or at the very least, he should be the one to organise babysitters so you can go as pre-planned.

Agree with this. Your sorting ‘everything out’ because you want to. Your husband would muddle through if you wasn’t there then next time he’s cracked

You’ve got bigger issues than the 5 days away. I’d be saying of course he can go on his break with friends, but of course he will have to be the one to arrange childcare for your pre-arranged work Christmas do. Including liaising with your parents/ his parents/ whatever. If he can’t do that then he might need to come back early/ go late.

Don’t back down to avoid a row as this will just lead to resentment building. And make sure you book your own mini-break for a weekend in January so he gets a taste of solo parenting. Your kids are more than old enough for Dad to look after them for a Saturday/ Sunday morning.

That’s a bit dramatic.

He’s going on a short break to be with friends, he’s not moving out and abandoning his family.

Just because you become a parent doesn’t mean you have to handcuff yourself to your children/spouse and give up any joy or hobbies you have in life.

What happens when your children are all grown and have left home and you are left sat in silence because you’ve not bothered with friends or thought about what you like to do as an individual person because you just let being a parent consume you.

My 5 year old would 10000% prefer Haven over the Caribbean 😂😂😂😂

Just because you create a family unit doesn’t mean you have to be handcuffed to it and never have a life outside of it.

Going on holiday with your friends doesn’t mean you want to act single, it means that you want to go on holiday with your friends.

Just because you don’t understand where people find the time and money for solo holidays doesn’t make them wrong. I save a little each month of my “pocket money” so that I can treat myself to a few days away with my girlfriends once a year. This doesn’t make me a bad parent or wife, it makes me an individual person who didn’t feel the need to give up her identity or social life just because she got married and had a child.

And on a final note, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to “escape parental responsibilities” as you’ve said. Parenting can be tough and having to think about caring for another living human being 24.7 is a big task. It is absolutely ok to want to have a break from work, kids, daily life etc and to recharge.

Well thats great if you also listen to the needs and opinions of your children and they don't get the message that they are secondary to the parents right to enjoy their lives with their friends.
Having been brought up in a family where we children and our opinions and needs were never considered - we weren't supposed to have any- I know from experience how it affects self esteem and self worth to know you don't really add any value to your parent's lives . Which is why I would never ever prioritise my friends over my children. My children were and are the centre of my life.
As I've said know this is not the view of most pp on MN. But it is my view that when you chose to have children the whole perspective of life changes and the family unit takes precedence over friendships.

He would probably say that it was too long of a time to be away! I had one night over at a friends house about a month ago (the only solo night away from the house since my eldest was born) so the only night ever he has been on his own with the kids. He was texting me telling me he was struggling and didn’t know what to do because both kids were awake and the youngest was screaming for me. He then proceeded to sleep on the sofa in the afternoon as he was “so tired”

It fine as long as you get a similar break and the trip is in addition to a family holiday not instead of.

Like most people who post on here about issues like this, you have a bigger problem than a holiday and a dates clash.

You're the default parent – why?
He just goes out for an evening, but when you go out you have to organise everything for the children beforehand – why?
If it was the other way round he would probably say that it was too long for you to be away – why is it different for him?
You had had one night over at a friend's house and he mithered you about 'struggling' and how he 'didn’t know what to do' – why?

What awful parents!!!!!

You made the decision that you’ll never leave your DC for five days. If it is something that he wants to do then he should be able to go away once a year.
Book a hotel night away for a different night together.
You should have a girl weekend away. You might surprise yourself by having a great time.
He has to take more responsibility and you need to let go too.

But children also go away for sleepovers, Brownie camps, school trips, when I was a kid we sometimes took my best pal away with us for a week, etc. Families are made of individuals. Sometimes those individuals will go and do individual things, be independent, live in a bigger world. Kids and grown-ups.

My children are the centre of my life. That doesn’t mean we can’t spend time away from each other. I personally think the attitude that a child’s wants always trump everyone else’s wants does the child absolutely no favours. Of course their needs come above my wants. But their wants don’t always overrule everyone else’s. And that assumes your children even find you going away for a night or two undesirable. Mine just view it as a normal thing. Sometimes they go away, sometimes I go away, sometimes DH is away, sometimes we are away together, sometimes we are away in all sorts of various combos. That’s just a normal and healthy family life.

Tell him what's good for the goose...if he can go away for 5 days, then you can too.

There can absolutely be a happy medium between ‘children are never considered’ and ‘children are always a priority and parents don’t have a life and get to see friends’

Fine

My kids are the same age as yours and I would say that’s a really long time for you not to have spent a night away tbh.

I think a solution moving forward is for you to spend more time away for yourself and for DH to get used to it. Even if just for emergencies.

As an example, since my kids have been born i’ve had to spend a night away for a funeral and a night in hospital. You need to be able to feel more comfortable spending time away.

My DH has had a week to 10 days cycling trip every year. He missed one year when kids were 6 months, 4 and 5. The early years with 3 were hard work but we all really enjoyed it. Dont get me wrong DH is great but it was fun doing things we wouldnt normally do, a break from usual after school and evenings. I went away myself with girlfriends too so it was give and take. I think its healthy. December is pushing it a bit though. It is a very busy month.

I think your terminology says a lot actually: i have never ever felt handcuffed to my family. If that's how you regard your family- as some sort of punishment- then that is very sad.

Of course people are entitled to interests and friends outside the family. But for me children and family are the priority, not the outside interests and friends.

However. You are perfectly entitled to your viewpoint. Just as I am perfectly entitled to mine.

You need to change this. Why do you need to sort everything before you go out?

Go out more regularly- even make it a weekly thing. Go to a class or a book group - that can even mean sitting in your car / cafe / pub with a book or on your phone.

The more your partner gets used to parenting his own children, the better it will be. Outside of working hours you do equal chores and need equal leisure/ downtime.

Well then, the issue is that he is not pulling his weight when it comes to parenting and you need to sort that! Don't be a martyr and start leaving him in charge on a regular basis. He will never learn if you're there doing it all. If he works long hours and you work 3 days then it's reasonable that you do more of the housework and childcare but that doesn't mean that you should do it all! When he's home, he should be doing his share.

No I don't think it's unreasonable to have 5 nights with friends away from a 5 yo and a 2 yo if they are in the care of their other parent.

As pp have said though, it needs to be affordable and it needs to work both ways in terms of the other parent not being a dick about 5 nights of solo parenting.

I'd be more annoyed about the clash with the works Christmas night out - OP you should definitely go to that anyway if you can get childcare from your parents.