AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

That’s fine- in your case it sounds like it’s a deliberate choice, made as a result of previous experience, and you both prefer it that way, but @Releasemeplease thinks that parents who go on a short break are “not investing in the family unit.” My point is that this is completely wrong and a family unit shouldn’t need all people at all times to function, there should be space for individual members (including the mum) to do their own thing for a bit (if they want to, of course) and then come back to the family unit without it falling apart. In my own experience, the families where no one can take a bit of time for themselves have been decidedly unhealthy.

Just because you become a parent does not mean you lose your identity as an individual person.

It is healthy for parents to have a life outside of their children and partners and just because you wouldn’t want to leave your children doesn’t mean he has to do the same.

Be careful that you don’t make your world so small that when your children grow up and leave that you’re left with nobody in it.

He's choosing his friends over his family 😔

Oh I'm sorry, did a random stranger on the Internet have a different opinion to you? Thoughts and prayers 🙏

They absolutely would

So you can never do anything with friends once you have a family?

Ffs

Have you done a haven holiday, they cost a small fortune but the kids love it. Mine prefer haven to the foreign holidays we take them on.

Aslong as it’s fine for you to do the same (if you want to!) I don’t see a problem with it.

I think it’s fine if it’s an even balance of time off between you. I’ve not done five nights away in a chunk, but have done multiple two nights away and am
doing four next year with a group of friends, DC will be 7 and 4. I think it’s healthy and important to do stuff for yourself and maintain friendships and be something other than a parent occasionally. But DH is happy having them solo. If he wasn’t, I guess I would have to reevaluate (although I might also be reevaluating his usefulness as it’s important to me that we are both equal parents and can look after our own children solo for a few days!).

Bloody hell. Talk about controlling behaviour. You are allowed free time you know.

I have been on many short holidays with friends over the years. My DH is generally pleased that I am having a nice time.

Didn’t answer my question though. Do have the same opinion of women who do the same ?

I think it's absolutely fine for either parent to have a short break with friends. DH and I both did this. It's a shame that you don't feel able to leave your children for a few days - I actually think it's really healthy and important for them to have time with just their dad in charge (and good for your husband too - I always think it's ridiculous when women tell me their partners can't cope with looking after their own children!)

Let him have his break and maybe think about planning a few days away yourself!

You are choosing not to be away from your children for five nights. You are choosing to think that it would be ‘unfair’ for your partner to have to solo parent his own children first five days. Those are choices. No one has you at gunpoint. Your partner has chosen differently.

My question is why you said it was fine by you when you clearly think he’s doing something deeply unreasonable, and are seething inwardly and posting irate internet threads about it.

And I really feel for some of the people on this thread because I think parenthood can be quite isolating and consuming and you can end up with the family unit and not much else, and then you come out of that phase and your friends have all moved on from you and you find yourself having to find a purpose and meaning in life again.

I am so lucky to have the opportunity to pursue my passions and interests as a person, and my friendships, alongside bringing up two healthy, happy kids and with a fantastic, supportive DH. Not everyone has that. I’ve just come back from a weekend away with a friend - we had a fantastic time, pursued a mutual hobby, ate out, put the world to rights, etc and at home DH took the girls out for an all-day cycling trip with a picnic and they had a film night and spent time at the park. Everyone had a lovely weekend. And I also think it’s good for the kids to have parents who have passions and interests and to know that either of their parents is capable of caring for them!

Op said they don't often get away together the children are small.and she also has an event overnight he is being selfish !
In this context it's not ok !
If op was happy she wouldn't have posted he is being selfish going away when she wanted to have a night away together
He could go away a different time I didn't say he wasn't allowed I said he was choosing friends over family 😫

I think he’s taking the piss if he knows you’ll struggle on your own with DC for 5 days. In a couple of years it will be a different story.

But YABU to tell him it’s fine and then complain about it. So many women do this (I did it myself in my younger years!) We think “But I shouldn’t have to tell him, it’s obvious that I’m struggling day-to-day when he’s here, so doing it alone for 5 days will be a nightmare”. But you DO need to tell him, regardless of his reaction. If you’ve told him it’s fine you’ll just have to suck it up and stop playing the martyr. Be honest with him in future.

This is healthy !

Okay, I'll bite. If they are on the same page then of course they can each go on holiday. The op has said she has very young children, her partner had chosen to go away when it is her works do, when she was hoping the two of them could have a much needed break together. So yes, in this context he needs to grow up.

I think the issue is that you said it's fine, but it clearly isn't.

I do agree that 5 nights is a long time when you're going to be home and (likely) pulling your hair out with two young kids.

However, can you see the work do as an opportunity to get a babysitter and have a break yourself?

I understand you're disappointed.

But I also think if you can get chance to go away yourself another time, you should.

Thank you all for your replies. I totally agree with the concept of just because I choose not to do it, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it.

I think the trouble is on my part is that I am the default parent and there are many things that I do, that DH has never done. The childcare/house hold balance is definitely off in our household.

When I had my first I went down to working 3 days a week and have never returned full time. I have always done the nursery and school runs, cook dinner, do all the household chores, the food shop, sort and organise everything to do with the children day in and day out, get up in the night with the kids (neither sleep through the whole night at the moment), bath time, he will put out eldest to bed and I put the youngest to bed.

He works dam hard outside of the home and runs his own construction business which can be very demanding at times, so I definitely understand that and appreciate what he does there.

There is certainly a sense of he is pretty much able to do what he wants and when he wants (he doesn’t agree with that and says he hasn’t much of a life outside the family), but compared to me, he definitely does! But if he goes out for a evening for example, he just goes (of course he asks me if it is okay), but when I go out, I have to organise everything for the children beforehand.

It isn’t a money issue. We are comfortable enough to have the spare money for him to do this and it not affect family holidays etc.

Maybe it is jealously on my part because I feel as though I CANT do what he does.

Still doesn’t explain why he needs to grow up. He’s booked a holiday his wife hasn’t objected to it untill now. Op should have spoken up and explained she wasn’t happy.

5 nights is bit much I agree with you OP. Does he have plenty of annual leave and money left for family holidays ? Do you get nights away to yourself to do fun stuff ? Is he an equal partner in other ways ?
edited to add sorry I’ve just seen you’ve just answered some of this stuff

Sounds like U do all the grunt work and he does as he pleases and no it's no ok !.
It's different if he gave u more help but u will be stuck at home doing the same stuff U do everyday without a break he is selfish !