AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

But personally I don't understand creating a family unit by having children and then wanting to escape from it, and parenting responsibilities

oh come on everyone needs a break sometimes! Doesn't mean you don't love your family/ kids.

I can’t believe the of parents that think looking after 2 children needs 2 adults at home. Of course it’s reasonable to enjoy yourself without children or partners.
he should be able to go away for a few nights without needing permission.

I can see why he’d resent you stopping him from going.
He should not need to have to ask for permission to go away with friends for a few days. You have help from your parents to cover your night out.

It’s healthy to have time apart to miss each other and value each other. It’s also really good practice to lone parent in case the other parent is ill in future. It’s good for both parents to have time away - you should book a long weekend away with friends at least.

He couldn't even take care of his children for one night but will leave you for 5?

He's a loser. Don't inflict him on any more children, especiallyas you already do everything.
I don't know how women can be with such men.
So unattractive to be so willfully incompetent.

At these ages no we would not have left each other with the kids for more than a night or two, we also could only afford one holiday and that would be a family one

Wow. Thank god my husband doesn’t share your attitude what a ridiculous overreaction! Having a family doesn’t mean you need to turn into a massive martyr with no life outside the house. What a piss poor way to live.

How significant to this are your work do weekend plans. Did he know this was the plan so he is choosing friends over romance or is your concern friends over family. Or both ? Do you have a mate you can take to works do - and a babysitter so you can stay over? I would !

Soz just read your last post that gives more insight..

So a bunch of family men need to go on holiday mid week without partners and kids?

My kids were 2 and 4 when my husband went to the World Cup for ten days. I happily agreed as long as I could book a girls holiday for myself and friends (not ten nights but a 4 night break in Malaga). He was absolutely fine with that and we were both happy, so I’d say no problem but what’s good for the goose….

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer- it works for some families but not for others.

Its not come up in our relationship yet (children are 3 and 3 months) but I wouldn’t say it was ok for him to go if I wasn’t happy about it.

I wouldn’t have gone myself leaving kids that young - it felt like a massive deal leaving them for a day to get my eyes lasered - but I would have been happy for DH to go.
Then I would have done it myself when the DC were older. Now they are 13, 11, 7, I LOVE taking some time out for a few days a couple of times a year, and everyone’s used to it.

I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s 5 days. There is enough crap in life that we all have to deal with on a day by day basis… so if he can to go then he should go and you should support it. If you were going to take him away for the night you would have needed a baby sitter so use that person and you still go to the Christmas party. You should be more than capable of looking after two children on your own for 5 days. My parents have a holiday home in Mallorca and I recently took my 10 year old daughter and her friend, plus my 15 year old son and 3 of his friends there for 9 days on my own. They are all still alive.

It sounds like the main issue is more the fact that your partner isn’t as competent looking after the children as you are and therefore it feels difficult for you to have relaxing time away from the home as when you do you’re constantly interrupted with questions/complaints and then ‘pay the price’ when you get back because the house is in chaos and DH is “exhausted”. I think you probably need to intentionally give DH opportunities to learn the skills to be able to successfully run the household while you’re not there - like taking turns with making the kids meals/family cooking, packing the kids bags for days out/holidays/school, bedtimes, school runs etc. If there are things he can’t feasibly do during the week due to work commitments then he can do more at the weekend so you get a break from parenting if you’re doing more of that during the week. I think as mums (esp when working PT) there will always be jobs we take responsibility for but both parents absolutely need to be equally capable and competent at meeting the children’s day to day needs. I have had nights away from DC since he was 6 months old (not often but several times over the past 2 years) and so has DP. We both have also taken DC away overnight without the other parent. I never have to give DP a handover if I’m going out/away, he never contacts me to ask questions and I don’t check in on them. Either of us can get him ready for a day out, we both do nursery runs etc. But that is because we intentionally worked on these skills and I make a point of getting DP to do things like ‘lay out what you think DC needs for holiday’ and then I go through it to add what’s been missed. Both of you should go out/away with friends but obviously need to be considerate that it’s fairly distributed and not ridiculously inconsiderate timing (like my partner wanted to go away while I was really unwell during pregnancy AND had a toddler at home so I said no).