AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

Are you joking? If you want to spend a few nights away from your kids you wonder why people bothered having them? 😂

My partner and I take holidays alone a lot. It really works for our family and neither of us minds solo parenting for a week or two.

But if it doesn’t work for you then your partner should be at least listening to your concerns rather than trying to make you agree by saying you’re not letting him do anything. That’s the bit I’d be pissed off at, not the holiday!

I think it’s fine. My kids are a little bit older but I’ve been away on uk mini breaks with friends about 3-4 times, a spa break with my sister, a trip to see a friend in the EU, a family wedding and 3-4 work trips on my own. Most social things have been 1-3 nights, the family stuff the same, my longest work trip was 5 nights (long haul destination). Amongst my friend circle this is very normal for both mums and dads.

I wouldn’t have left a baby under about 9 months but IMO it’s very normal and healthy for people to take a bit of me time and or need to travel without kids. Unless you can’t afford it, or it’s only ever him I just don’t see the issue. It’s unfortunate about the Christmas party but there will be others in the future.

Ridiculous right?! I’ll never get that take on MN that once you have kids that’s it. Your life as a individual stops and everything is centred on them 24/7. IMO it’s important to have time to yourself and as a couple. I think that’s why some relationships breakdown as they find they have nothing to talk about apart from their children. And also children will grow up get independent their own social life’s and need you less. Then what do you do ?

I went to Spain with my friends on Thursday and got back Monday. My husband went to Spain (different area) with his friends Monday morning before I got back and is back tomorrow night. I’ve got 2 young kids but we have both had a break with friends and it’s not like it happens every month! Let him go and don’t make a fuss. You’ll probably jump at the chance when kids are a bit bigger and you feel comfortable leaving them.

It's different if it's for work or for some special event. But just to want to go away with friends to get away from family responsibilities, regardless of how it affects your partner and the children, seems to me like a total lack of investment in your own family unit.

@Releasemeplease a total lack of investment in your own family unit.

Wow. That’s a bit of a leap

I agree with this. He is supposed to be a family man now, not a frat boy, and needs to grow up a bit. If it was his best mate's stag do, ie special occasion then perahps, but even then one or two nights is healthy, five nights would be unacceptable to me.

Oh hear we go. I wondered when someone would say he needs to grow up/ he’s immature etc. As you can see in the comments lots of mums have had holidays with friends… do they need to grow up? Comments like this are so tired and predictable

As a couple, DH and I would not choose to spend that amount of time and money with friends. A rare weekend yes, but not more. I know plenty of friends who do though and it works for them. It is important to have time for friends / leisure but it’s very individual what that looks like.

When dc were 2 and 4 I had my first night away from them so I relate to not wanting to be away from them for days. However it’s really so common these days, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your partner. It’s a shame about the timing though - will you have to miss your Xmas do?

To be clear, on my holidays with friends I am not out trying to pull a random in a nightclub. We usually go somewhere very quiet, take nice food and drink, take the chance to chat about work worries, offload family stress, support eachother, read, go for a walk, sleep. So I’m not sure where the judgmental “behaving like you’re single” comes from.

Being able to have an adult conversation and chat to old friends without kids interrupting etc is incredibly important to me and helps my mental health no end. If people don’t need a break fair enough but I very much do (I’m also a carer and work full time), but it makes me a better mum/ partner/ employee and no way am I going to be made to feel guilty! My kids also have a nice weekend with their dad, and by the end of the break I am usually missing them- so win win.

Make sure you take at least a weekend away for yourself OP.

Yet we are told there is no double standard

As someone else has said.. if your lives are fair and equitable in this regard then I don’t see an issue. Do you have the money for a family holiday? Could you also go away for 5 nights (if you decided you wanted to) and he takes care of the family? Does he pull his weight at home with the DCs and housework? If the answer is yes then I think a break is totally fine now and then.. some might say essential for one’s sanity!

As for having your DCs alone for 5 nights.. I have been on my own with my DC since they were 0 and 3. I appreciate that’s different but my main advice would be just don’t try and stick to the same routine as you have when 2 of you are there. It doesn’t matter if one is still awake whilst you are putting the other one to bed, or if your meal times / pick ups/ drop offs are a bit more rushed and chaotic than usual or if your routine isn’t exactly the same as it normally is. It’s 5 days. It will be fine.

Plus, even if you don’t want to go away for 5 nights, I do think doing your own thing/ getting a good nights sleep is important. Going to stay with a friend for a night or at the very least a day to yourself (though you will be ‘owed’ 5!) / some lie ins.. this could benefit you and your well-being too.

Laughing out loud at this. I went away for 4 nights with other family members on a non child friendly break, and I’m not invested in my family unit? What the family that I cook for, wash for, shop for, soothe and help with every physical and emotional ache and pain? The family unit I fight for in school, for their educational additional needs. The family unit I provide for to ensure they are clothed and homed.

Get over yourself. Some of us just have more rounded lives, relationships that we nurture and good enough partners that they can provide a stable and comfortable home in our very short absence, and vice versa.

It’s less about going away or not going away. It’s what seems like an assumption that he can choose to do what he wants whenever without discussion.

did he check in if the dates were suitable for you, ask if you had any clashes (the work Christmas party) or arrange coverage? Or has he done none of the above because you’re the parent and he’s just an assistant?

id be saying no on the basis that you have a work thing and he can go away another time. But by the sounds of things, he wouldn’t be apologetic and just say it’s too late to change it now.

I’m sorry- if your family unit needs both parents there 100% of the time then IMO there’s something very wrong. It’s very normal and healthy for both parents to take a bit of a break to reset- and also very healthy for the kids to have 1-1 time with their other parent in charge. It helps the parents rest and recharge, I’m a much better mum after I’ve had a bit of headspace, and also (especially in the case of dads) means that both parents do their share of family drudge work. So very much an investment in a functional family unit overall.

The point I’m making is they clear off for 2 weeks somewhere fabulous these kids get a long weekend in haven - they are teens I’m sure they’d love to go on a plane but the parents are selfish dicks and my sons friend has even said “when I have kids I’d never do that”, it affects them as they get older.

Exactly the kids grow up then she'll be moaning that her friends left her because she didn't care then so they don't care now

It’s fine to say you don’t want to be away from your kids.

I wonder what it must be like to be so judgemental that you think you can tell so much about a person based on something so minor? I’ve probably spent 10 nights away from my kids in just over 5 years. 10 nights out of 2000 and during those nights and days they were cared for by their capable Father. Yet without knowing anything else about me you think you can tell that I lack investment in my family? Unbelievable.

Get over yourself
Sorry but what is this supposed to mean?
I have expressed my personal point of view. As I stated I know the majority of MNers think differently.
You are perfectly entitled to feel you need to get away from your children. I don't know why you are so defensive about it and outraged that someone thinks differently .

It’s fine as long as you get the chance to do it too. The fact you don’t want to is your choice. And you have said yes, so can’t expect him to be a mind reader.

There's nothing 'very wrong' in my particular household, but DH and I were both single parents for many years (both widowed). We know how hard it was, and obviously we are each capable of looking after the kids. Now we make a conscious choice to pitch in together as much as possible. There's no right or wrong here, each family works differently. Main thing is, OP and her partner don't seem to have really agreed this together - it sounds more like he's made a unilateral decision.

Totally fine as long as he’s checked the dates with you and there are no childcare issues. I can’t believe your eldest is 5 and you’ve never gone away for the weekend!

I take a solo holiday every year. I’m going to London for 3 days next week. I’ve walked a camino in Spain for 9 days. I usually go to Spain on my own every year for 4-5 nights. I went to Australia (!!) for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months. It was for a work trip, but it was great. Dh did just fine at home solo parenting.

It's five nights not five years, your hyperbole about escaping is ridiculous.