Page 4 | AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

Whatthefork1 · 2026-09-30T06:07:56+00:00

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home? We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either. I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true. During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it. YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he. YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

BriarTime · 30/09/2026 09:26

Did he know it clashed with your Christmas party, OP? And that you’d been intending to do something as a couple? I think what he did or didn’t know matters here.

If he just turned around at some point and announced this was happening, that’s not OK. When you have a family, these things need to be discussions, not decrees. Neither of you should be assuming that the other is OK about parenting solo for days on end.

I would also really try to work on this whole ‘I’d never leave the kids’ thing. It will lead to resentment on your part when he doesn’t place the same restriction on himself. It’s also good for him to parent solo from time to time, just the way he expects you to when he goes away. There’s no reward for this martyrdom, I’m afraid.

Original poster

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:26

To add- the holiday has not been booked yet, but the dates are solid as it is a group thing and those dates are what work for the majority. My works do has been booked for a while now and he is aware it clashes.

I was going to ask my parents to babysit for the weekend (they live 4 hours away so it would have to be preplanned well in advance).

He did say that he wouldn’t bother going, but I have said it is fine to go because I know full well that I would get some backlash / resentment for him, so even if I am pissed, it is easier to just agree. I am aware that is an issue in itself.

OP posts:

OldWallpaper · 30/09/2026 09:27

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:22

Thank you all for your replies. I totally agree with the concept of just because I choose not to do it, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it.

I think the trouble is on my part is that I am the default parent and there are many things that I do, that DH has never done. The childcare/house hold balance is definitely off in our household.

When I had my first I went down to working 3 days a week and have never returned full time. I have always done the nursery and school runs, cook dinner, do all the household chores, the food shop, sort and organise everything to do with the children day in and day out, get up in the night with the kids (neither sleep through the whole night at the moment), bath time, he will put out eldest to bed and I put the youngest to bed.

He works dam hard outside of the home and runs his own construction business which can be very demanding at times, so I definitely understand that and appreciate what he does there.

There is certainly a sense of he is pretty much able to do what he wants and when he wants (he doesn’t agree with that and says he hasn’t much of a life outside the family), but compared to me, he definitely does! But if he goes out for a evening for example, he just goes (of course he asks me if it is okay), but when I go out, I have to organise everything for the children beforehand.

It isn’t a money issue. We are comfortable enough to have the spare money for him to do this and it not affect family holidays etc.

Maybe it is jealously on my part because I feel as though I CANT do what he does.

Yes, I’m not surprise by all of this. Seems to be the situation of so many couples.

BriarTime · 30/09/2026 09:28

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:26

To add- the holiday has not been booked yet, but the dates are solid as it is a group thing and those dates are what work for the majority. My works do has been booked for a while now and he is aware it clashes.

I was going to ask my parents to babysit for the weekend (they live 4 hours away so it would have to be preplanned well in advance).

He did say that he wouldn’t bother going, but I have said it is fine to go because I know full well that I would get some backlash / resentment for him, so even if I am pissed, it is easier to just agree. I am aware that is an issue in itself.

Sorry, cross-posted. If he knows it clashes and you had something planned first then he’s out of order. His social life is not more important than yours.

Itsthewoluff · 30/09/2026 09:29

It’s fine. You do need adult time and a break. You need to get the same though. Perhaps split into two chunks if you don’t want to be away from the kids for long.
It’s just a shame it coincided with your Xmas do. Can you get a gp or someone to have the kids so you still get an adult night away?

Original poster

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:31

Itsthewoluff · 30/09/2026 09:29

It’s fine. You do need adult time and a break. You need to get the same though. Perhaps split into two chunks if you don’t want to be away from the kids for long.
It’s just a shame it coincided with your Xmas do. Can you get a gp or someone to have the kids so you still get an adult night away?

I might ask my parents to still come and baby sit and I will go to the party and stay in the hotel for the night on my own. Of course it’s a bit gutting that DH won’t be with me, but a solo night in a hotel does sound like a dream!

OP posts:

PurpleThistle7 · 30/09/2026 09:31

I think this should have been a conversation, not an assumption that he could over-ride your plans and do whatever he wanted. Could have been a 'oh no, the only dates xyz can do are the dates of this thing. So sorry, what do you think?'.

but really this is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Chickpeacurrywithrice · 30/09/2026 09:32

Besidemyselfwithworry · 30/09/2026 07:15

We have never done done this been together 20 years and have 3 kids 14, nearly 11 and 7

our holiday money is family money
a night out with friend yes
a weekend or holiday without each other and the kids - no

we would also never go as a couple and leave our kids

but people do and my older son has a friend who’s parents do this and he and his brother have always felt a bit left out they go to their grandparents who I’m sure give them a nice time but while the parents do 2 weeks in a 5* Caribbean hotel adults only and take the kids to haven as the money is spent on them!

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My children would’ve preferred Haven, they loved the child centric activities and entertainment!

42goingon14 · 30/09/2026 09:32

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:22

Thank you all for your replies. I totally agree with the concept of just because I choose not to do it, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it.

I think the trouble is on my part is that I am the default parent and there are many things that I do, that DH has never done. The childcare/house hold balance is definitely off in our household.

When I had my first I went down to working 3 days a week and have never returned full time. I have always done the nursery and school runs, cook dinner, do all the household chores, the food shop, sort and organise everything to do with the children day in and day out, get up in the night with the kids (neither sleep through the whole night at the moment), bath time, he will put out eldest to bed and I put the youngest to bed.

He works dam hard outside of the home and runs his own construction business which can be very demanding at times, so I definitely understand that and appreciate what he does there.

There is certainly a sense of he is pretty much able to do what he wants and when he wants (he doesn’t agree with that and says he hasn’t much of a life outside the family), but compared to me, he definitely does! But if he goes out for a evening for example, he just goes (of course he asks me if it is okay), but when I go out, I have to organise everything for the children beforehand.

It isn’t a money issue. We are comfortable enough to have the spare money for him to do this and it not affect family holidays etc.

Maybe it is jealously on my part because I feel as though I CANT do what he does.

Herein lies the problem. It’s not really the holiday is it? It’s your life (without sounding melodramatic, I know you’re not saying everything is awful)

it’s going to be tricky to change your labour split now that it’s entrenched but can you sit down with him and discuss him taking more responsibility at home? If you work part time you will naturally do more of the grunt work but when he is home he should take more ownership.

42goingon14 · 30/09/2026 09:33

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:31

I might ask my parents to still come and baby sit and I will go to the party and stay in the hotel for the night on my own. Of course it’s a bit gutting that DH won’t be with me, but a solo night in a hotel does sound like a dream!

Show quote history

I have to stay away for work sometimes and I LOVE my nights alone in a hotel. Best night sleep I get 😂

Girlwithavibe · 30/09/2026 09:37

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:26

To add- the holiday has not been booked yet, but the dates are solid as it is a group thing and those dates are what work for the majority. My works do has been booked for a while now and he is aware it clashes.

I was going to ask my parents to babysit for the weekend (they live 4 hours away so it would have to be preplanned well in advance).

He did say that he wouldn’t bother going, but I have said it is fine to go because I know full well that I would get some backlash / resentment for him, so even if I am pissed, it is easier to just agree. I am aware that is an issue in itself.

See this is not ok !!!!!
So all the people who quoted me I was right !
If op complains he makes her know it and that is not OK

Deliaskis · 30/09/2026 09:37

Your second post nails what the actual problem is, and it's not about a holiday. It's about him behaving as if he has no responsibilities and you carrying the burden of all the house and kid stuff. Going away with friends is fine, DH and I have always done it, but assuming it's OK to go away and over-ride somebody else's plans and give no consideration at all to how it affects them - that's not OK and it's selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful of you.

I did have moments when DD was younger where DH was 'on duty' for something (like I had an agreed social thing arranged) and then he announced he was doing something else that night, and I asked 'what are you doing about DD then?' and he looked at me blankly as if it never occurred to him that making childcare plans would be his responsibility. He figured out pretty quickly that it wasn't acceptable.

Chickpeacurrywithrice · 30/09/2026 09:39

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:22

Thank you all for your replies. I totally agree with the concept of just because I choose not to do it, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do it.

I think the trouble is on my part is that I am the default parent and there are many things that I do, that DH has never done. The childcare/house hold balance is definitely off in our household.

When I had my first I went down to working 3 days a week and have never returned full time. I have always done the nursery and school runs, cook dinner, do all the household chores, the food shop, sort and organise everything to do with the children day in and day out, get up in the night with the kids (neither sleep through the whole night at the moment), bath time, he will put out eldest to bed and I put the youngest to bed.

He works dam hard outside of the home and runs his own construction business which can be very demanding at times, so I definitely understand that and appreciate what he does there.

There is certainly a sense of he is pretty much able to do what he wants and when he wants (he doesn’t agree with that and says he hasn’t much of a life outside the family), but compared to me, he definitely does! But if he goes out for a evening for example, he just goes (of course he asks me if it is okay), but when I go out, I have to organise everything for the children beforehand.

It isn’t a money issue. We are comfortable enough to have the spare money for him to do this and it not affect family holidays etc.

Maybe it is jealously on my part because I feel as though I CANT do what he does.

But you can, but decide not to, I think his proposal is fine.

Personally other people’s Christmas Parties are boring IMO!

BriarTime · 30/09/2026 09:40

Deliaskis · 30/09/2026 09:37

Your second post nails what the actual problem is, and it's not about a holiday. It's about him behaving as if he has no responsibilities and you carrying the burden of all the house and kid stuff. Going away with friends is fine, DH and I have always done it, but assuming it's OK to go away and over-ride somebody else's plans and give no consideration at all to how it affects them - that's not OK and it's selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful of you.

I did have moments when DD was younger where DH was 'on duty' for something (like I had an agreed social thing arranged) and then he announced he was doing something else that night, and I asked 'what are you doing about DD then?' and he looked at me blankly as if it never occurred to him that making childcare plans would be his responsibility. He figured out pretty quickly that it wasn't acceptable.

This is definitely the way to do it. If he agreed to be on duty and needs to ‘subcontract’ that, it’s his responsibility, not yours.

ginasevern · 30/09/2026 09:40

@Whatthefork1 Yet another self absorbed man putting his wants first. He's basically ruined your Christmas party. You were looking forward to a bit of fun and a rare night away with your husband without the kids. But he's put his mates first. Yeah, I'd be really upset by this.

whatthesigma · 30/09/2026 09:50

I’ve had trips away with my friends. My husband has had trips away with his friends. Me and DH have had trips away alone. We’ve also had good quality holidays/weekends away with our children each year (now older teens).

This has always worked for us but I appreciate this wouldn’t work for other families. And that’s fine.

However, even if you don’t have trips away as an individual/couple, I hope you and your husband have hobbies that give you a break and that can add belonging and community to your life and personal fulfllment and self-worth.

A lot of people I know are now taking their children to uni or having their kids move out and are ‘empty nesters’. The friends and people I know who are struggling massively with this change are those people who completely immersed themselves around their kids and who didn’t have hobbies etc. Not to say that you need to go on holiday without your kids of course, but those people I know who had the ‘what’s the point of having kids if you go off and do yoga/play tennis/go to the gym/have a meal with friends/book group’ are likely to struggle when those kids become more independent.

OVienna · 30/09/2026 09:52

I voted YANBU as while I don't think it is unreasonable to go away in principle, you have a prior commitment and had planned something together for that same time.

You are now seemingly reliant on someone travelling extensively to support you to be able to go. Hilarious if he thinks that's just fine, I'd be really cross.

HairsprayBabe · 30/09/2026 09:58

My kids are 4 and 6 and we have both gone away separately with friends for a few nights multiple times. (All the friends have children similar ages too)

Not every single resource and penny in a family needs to be prioritised on the children. Assuming you have the basics covered parents are free to spend their money and time as they please.

I don't get this martyrish attitude that some parents take on when they give birth (or their partners give birth)
I am my own person before anything else, and I am a better and happier parent when I do have time to do my own thing.

DH is having a long weekend away in November with his pals, I am going to Dublin for a girls trip at the start of December! Can't wait!

p.s we are not vastly wealthy, we have a below average income, we don't have debt other than the mortgage and we go on holidays with the children too before someone accuses me of some nonsense.

Bushmillsbabe · 30/09/2026 10:07

5 nights is a bit long, and it is frustrating he booked it when it's your Christmas party.

DH and I have each been away for up to 3nights with friends. And he has to go away Monday to Friday for work twice a year.

Sounds like you both need to work on your comnuinication. You need to be honest with him how you feel, and he needs to be able to take your feedback constructively rather than going to default 'you don't let me do anything', and between you agree a compromise you are both OK with. Whether that's going for a shorter time, or different timing.

As a poster mentioned above, you need to sit down and allocate responsibilities and days etc. If he then can't cover his stuff, he has to sort out cover, not always assume you will be the default. DH and I have our days for school drop off/pick up, clubs drops off sick up etc. Of course if we can't do ours we ask the other if available, bit if other isn't, it's the original person's responsibility to arrange cover or change their plans

Iocanepowder · 30/09/2026 10:07

I have voted YABU

Both DH and I have trips away with others or by ourselves. It’s good to keep an element of ourselves and not be 24/7 slaves to our kids. Next time, you go away. You feeling you need to be with your kids all the time is your personal issue.

Iocanepowder · 30/09/2026 10:09

whatthesigma · 30/09/2026 09:50

I’ve had trips away with my friends. My husband has had trips away with his friends. Me and DH have had trips away alone. We’ve also had good quality holidays/weekends away with our children each year (now older teens).

This has always worked for us but I appreciate this wouldn’t work for other families. And that’s fine.

However, even if you don’t have trips away as an individual/couple, I hope you and your husband have hobbies that give you a break and that can add belonging and community to your life and personal fulfllment and self-worth.

A lot of people I know are now taking their children to uni or having their kids move out and are ‘empty nesters’. The friends and people I know who are struggling massively with this change are those people who completely immersed themselves around their kids and who didn’t have hobbies etc. Not to say that you need to go on holiday without your kids of course, but those people I know who had the ‘what’s the point of having kids if you go off and do yoga/play tennis/go to the gym/have a meal with friends/book group’ are likely to struggle when those kids become more independent.

Agree. I had a colleague crying at work last month because of her son moving out for further education and was talking about her kid being her identity etc. It really doesn’t need to be that way.

backformoreofthesame · 30/09/2026 10:11

5 nights seems long because it uses up annual leave and I used to find that we couldn’t manage with using leave for ourselves when DD was in school even with some family support

NopeNotThat · 30/09/2026 10:12

Whatthefork1 · 30/09/2026 09:31

I might ask my parents to still come and baby sit and I will go to the party and stay in the hotel for the night on my own. Of course it’s a bit gutting that DH won’t be with me, but a solo night in a hotel does sound like a dream!

Show quote history

Just out of interest, is he the kind of man who will then be put out at the idea of you going to a work do with a hotel to yourself because he's insecure you'll bring another man back?

Dahlia1234 · 30/09/2026 10:12

I can see both sides to be honest. He absolutely should be 'allowed' to go away with his friends, as should you, but I do think 5 nights is a bit long given the age of your children. How would he react if you said you wanted to go away for 5 nights?

Swissmeringue · 30/09/2026 10:13

I'm fine with my DH going away with friends occasionally, but that's based on three assumptions

we can afford it in terms of both money and annual leave i.e. it won't impact our ability to go on family holidays or his ability to take time off to cover school holidays, kids being ill etc.
we get an equal amount of time and budget to go away with friends. If he's going away, then so am I.
he's an equal parent and partner the rest of the time.

But I find so often on these Mumsnet threads it's useless dads who do nothing swanning off on a jolly when they leave absolutely everything to the mum day to day anyway.