AIBU to feel uneasy about partner’s holiday with young children at home?

[Whatthefork1]

Where do we all stand with one partner going on a holiday with friends when you have a young family at home?

We have a 5 and 2 year old and my partner is going away for 5 nights with friends early December. This is something I personally would never do myself, I just couldn’t leave them that long and also wouldn’t feel it was fair on my partner either.

I have said that I am fine with him going, because mainly if I said the opposite he would basically say “I never let him do anything” etc etc. which may I add is not true.

During the time he is away, it is my works Christmas party at a hotel and I had planned to book a night away for us both. We don’t get much time together at all and I myself barely get out much so was really looking forward to it.

YABU- of course he can go away with friends, why shouldn’t he.

YANBU- I don’t think he should go given you have two young children.

If you don't think he needs to grow up then that's fine. I don't have a problem when people have different opinions to me, I consider it their right. Thank goodness I married someone who could think for himself that going away for a lads holiday, the week of my works do, when we have two young children is a bad idea, without me needing to tell him.

What if they are planning to do lots of wholesome stuff like hiking and eat nice food and see some culture? Does that mean you have to "grow up"??

Not every trip with mates is for a piss up!

Do we think that's what they'll be doing? I'm probably too cynical.
Whether it clubs or art galleries, he is choosing his mates over his young family, so it doesn't really matter. It wouldn't even be so bad if it didn't clash with the works do op had been looking forward to attending.

The issue isn't the 5 nights away. Its that he doesn't do his fair share and can't even cope for 1 night.

OP will still be attending the works do?

The children only want you because you are there for their every need. Make him nurture the relationship. The children should be comfortable with their Dad. Are they seeing that you see him
as incapable? Or is he really incapable? If they’re so upset without you, he needs to more time with them alone. You’re not doing them any favours in the long run.

It’s not a normal night when the children are crying and upset because they don’t know why he is charge for a change.

In all.honestly this is not bout the holiday !
I think the op is doing the lions share her DH is her husband and he is a parent but does fuck all except for what he wants that leaves the op to do everything and it's very easy saying don't do it but that's not easy when children are involved
Op u need relationship therapy so he can see he isn't pulling his weight or leave him your doing everything anyways x

Oh come on. You’re extrapolating wildly here. It’s entirely possible for a parent to go away for a few nights 2/3 times a year and still ensure that their kids feel loved and secure and their priority. I don’t know what happened in your own family but I suspect it was a bit more than a few mini-breaks. When I am away I call my kids and bring them gifts back, and moreover when I am with them (i.e. the other 355 days of the year) I’m a present, active and loving parent. They understand that I can love them but also want to spend a bit of time with family/ friends on my own occasionally.

Well be careful... When my kids were this age my then husband went away with his mates for a similar amount of time and I realised how much I absolutely bloody loved being on my own with the kids without him around, and I realised I wanted to leave him 😂. We divorced a couple of years later.

I’ll never understand this enforced martyrdom.

Having kids doesn’t mean that you suddenly can’t have a life or do things outside of your family unit.

It’s healthy to have time apart, doing things with your friends. If you don’t want to, that’s fine but you’re being unreasonable to protest that he does.

It’s 5 nights 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's weaponised incompetence and it sounds like it's worked.

If he struggles with the kids when you're not there then what he needs is more practice, not you preparing everything for him.

You need to do similar so the resentment goes. It’s hard and you mightn’t feel like you want to leave the kids but honestly book a long weekend spa or something with a girlfriend and leave him to do all the parenting for a few days. Let him experience it.

I was going to say if you want to play martyr mother that's your choice.

But actually it sounds like you just wouldn't trust him/it would create more work for you. In which case the holiday isn't the issue - the imbalance in the relationship is, and that's what needs to change.

Honestly, both of you should (finances aside) be able to have time away from family as wanted with no issues.

You can go away with friends too. It'll do you good.

i agree with parents needing a break but it was the beginning of the end of my long marriage when my husband started too , he ended up enjoying his free time too much and ended up cheating not saying people have to go on holiday to cheat but for me it ended mu marriage

when he did go away I insisted only after a family holiday but funnily enough he would go away but I was never allowed too

100% YABU. I think people tend to forget that we are not just a mum and dad. We are humans who need to have fun , let loose , keep our friendships going away from our own families. I've been abroad with friends twice a year since my kids were 1, as has my husband. It's healthy.

So stop doing it all
Stop doing stuff before you go out.
On the days you work make him take a turn at school drop off or making tea.

If you keep doing it he will let you.

He needs to take a turn with bath and bedtime too for both kids. So when you are out him and the kids know what to do.

Weekends he should be sharing the load too.

Just stop being the default for EVERYTHING

i think it’s fine for him to go (although I agree, seems a couple of nights longer than necessary.) definitely arrange for family to stay and lots of activities.
I would also say to him “happy for you to go but I would also like to book the same time away as well”
I saw your comment about how he did 1 night once and thought it was “too much” but I do not think it’s fair for him to be able to go away and you not to. If he can’t do the same while you’re away, he shouldn’t go

I’m sorry but I can’t get my head around this attitude. I wave my husband off all the time and he the same for me, we both need our own time so we make sure to have it whilst the other one parents. All good providing you both get equal time.

@Whatthefork1echoing others saying it’s important you take some time for yourself too. If longer trips are too much for you to be away from them, then perhaps an overnight or even a spa & pamper afternoon? If he gets 5 days you get 5 days. It will stop resentment

Dh and I discussed it in advance as what we would both be happy with. We agreed long weekends were fine max 3 nights. This was a decision around how long we wanted to be apart from our children, spending on trips and how long it was reasonable to leave the other.

i would have a discussion about how happy you both would be with time away and agree a reasonable amount

husband has a role that takes him abroad everyweek. And plays rugby every week end of he is around. All fine with me, I can cope on my own with our children and pets and he can too when I am not around. I did Italy for a few friends to see Lewis Capaldi a few months ago and wilderness in the summer - he was fine! We have no family about / my parents are abroad and his are deceased. We use a nanny/babysitter if we want to do things together! It’s ok for him to go away and have time out as long as you get time off too

As long as you get to go away with your mates at some point as well if you want to. I think it’s fine. As long as he’s not doing it 5 times a year and you can afford it.

Totally agree