AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

This is kind of seeming like one of those threads where the OP says "AIBU" and the overwhelming majority say "yes, actually" and then the OP says "Well I'm not."

And then we all wonder why we responded ...

I'm guessing the bit you're suggesting is a typical Christmas is the spending time with family who you don't necessarily like - am I right? Because yes, that is often the case for many people, I get that. What feels different and a little unfair is that I don't get to see my husband and my kids don't get to see their dad for the 3 days either side. So forgive me for wanting to make it a lovely day where we can spend time together.

Yes, it does sound a little ungrateful, OP

They are not nasty. Your children love it. It’s what your husband wants. But you just won’t like it? It is your husband’s family’s traditions. You married into them. I’m not sure why you would be so mean spirited, especially as it’s only for part of the day. I thought you were going to complain it was a 96 hour marathon! You get most of the morning at home… and most of the evening too. You just miss out the hard work of preparing everyone’s lunch in the middle. I’m guessing that you might be fairly local to your Aunty and Uncle as you don’t mention travelling? Many people travel for hours on Christmas Day, just to spend time with their families. Imagine how you’d feel then!

You mention that your husband works full time and has long days around Christmas, but you don’t indicate if you are at work yourself. It seems you may be lucky enough to not be working on the days immediately surrounding Christmas? How wonderful that you have this time with your children. Perhaps you could plan some lovely things with your own family in those days. How about making Christmas Eve special this year?

What do you do to make Christmas day at in-laws enjoyable? Do you take/plan games or activities? Maybe your contribution could be managing the entertainment, which could increase your enjoyment too? Or do you maybe help with hosting in another way - 14 is a large number to keep happy, especially without lots of input from guests. No doubt Aunty and Uncle have been preparing for days, weeks even? I don’t suppose you’d realise, if you’ve never hosted this many for Christmas day yourself. I’m sure by the time you’ve washed the dishes and cleared away it will nearly be time to get off home for a relaxing Christmas night anyway. Do you contribute with food/money towards the day?

If you really insist, why not stay at home next year, instead of visiting your family?

my husband and my kids don't get to see their dad for the 3 days either side.

But by your own admission they want to see their parents/cousin.

I do understand it is a pita he is working, but it's no doubt and even bigger pita for him. And they want to see extended family because it's the right occasion to do so.

I think that’s the best compromise and definitely sell it to your dh as giving him time to rest as well.

There is nothing wrong at all
with arriving half an hour before dinner and within within an hour after. His own family should also be understanding if they know he is working back to back all over Christmas apart from the day itself.

His mother’s diagnosis isn’t new or deathly so it’s not a omg the last. Also sorry but how many just in case it’s the last should people have. Any year could be anyone’s last.

Any bigger changes to the day make on your families year just so it’s not a oh but now it’s my turn thing.

As I say I don’t do a my family. We do his and our home so I’m not even trying to cut down his to favour mine 😅

OP you seem to want corroboration as you’ve made up your mind you don’t want to go.

Think you should suck it up for one day. You say it’s not enjoyable for you but it’ll be what you make it. If your DH/kids want to go why be a grinch? Instead of going at 1130 get there for 1 and leave before 6.

Its his families turn!!!! What the hell is all this, why does the husband get his way because he has a penis? Decide what you want to do and do it,.do not spend the day doing something you dont want to do,.just tell.him he can.do what he wants but you are not going , this isnt the 1950's you have a voice, you were not born just to be a mother wife and to please his family

You seem really convinced that to have your own little family at home is what you want and the best for your husband and yourself. (And yes the kids will be happy either way)

So just decline the in-laws invite and make plans to meet up with them earlier in the month. If you're not concerned that this could be his mum's last year than just defer to next year to be with them.

Well if they all take this approach, OP will be sitting at home alone.

Your husband seems to feel strongly about it, so I'd probably just go along this year, especially if you want to keep up the tradition with your family next year. Would this be an issue if it was your family's turn? Maybe it's time for a conversation about future Christmases? We eventually decided we were just staying home for Christmas, every Christmas.

I voted YANBU but then saw your child would love to play with their cousins. So in this case I think you should go for the sake of your child, as he’ll be lonely without his dad at Christmas.
It’s actually really nice of them to invite you, considering their son won’t be there. It would be rude to rebuff that invitation in my view. Well worth the one day so your child has a good Christmas and to keep cordial family relations.

Me, me, me! You've already said your kids will enjoy seeing their cousins. Your husband is the one that's working all those hours, not you, so surely it's his choice whether he sees ailing mother on potentially the last Christmas Day that she will be able to enjoy.

Seriously give your head a wobble.

Could you and the children go for a shorter visit to your husband's family on one of the days he's working? The kids see their cousins, you get some additional grown ups who care about your kids. And stick with Christmas Day at home.

I would tell everyone that you would love to come but as DH is working basically all of Christmas you have promised the kids a special Daddy [something], and does it work for them to have you come from X time to Y time?
You know the flow of their xmas day best so I would plan the something to wherever it makes it easiest to cut out of the day so it’s much shorter. Then you go, plant a smile on and DH spends time with his mum, and you come home sooner. It could be as simple as pigs in blankets, or Chinese food and a xmas movie with the kids (let the kids choose the movie and the snacks) but talk about it as special family time. I think your husband’s family would be jerks to argue about that, but he just has to push back with “I’ve been stuck with the short straw at work this year and the poor kids have hardly seen me”

Well you were the one who said you usually alternate, people were just responding to that.

Have you heard of the concept of taking turns? Why does the person with the vagina whose family had their turn last year and will have a turn next year get to choose?

This is really sad. I’d never want to spend Christmas just us when we have the option of family. Kids love seeing extended family. You don’t have to cook. I can’t see why that’s a problem and as you say his mother may not be able to cope with it in two years time when it’s their turn again.

Given the MIL having dementia I think that you should go. Otherwise I would be thinking don’t.

If it’s your husbands turn and he wants to go I don’t think you can’t say no. Next year in your family’s turn you can start the tradition of being at home

Question though.

Does mil having dementia mean they should go every year just incase it’s her worst?

Because if not then really the dementia bares no relevance ops happy to go on a shorter trip as a compromise but next year mil would still have mild to severe dementia but get no visit as it’s her families turn if you stick to the must dos 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes - I did say that we roughly alternate. I just wanted to clarify that it's never been absolutely set in stone. I've been quite keen not to stick to any set traditions as various members of his family have at times seemed to resent to unshakeable tradition they stick to. My family are more flexible and open to variation which I think is beneficial, as situations change

What I would do is stay home but state you will be staying home for all Christmases so you’re not prioritising your family over his. IMO this is the simplest, easiest and nicest way. Plenty of other days to see family.

It doesn't sound like your husband will have much Christmas joy this year working those shifts. At least you'll be at home or maybe spending time with your parents when he's at work. It would be nice to defer to him this year especially as it's his family's turn and his mum will probably not be capable of hosting in 2 years.

How is DH when you have Christmas at your parents? Is he engaged or does he look bored and ready to leave? How long do you spend at your parents?

I think the compromise is you go this year and go closer to meal time and leave sooner. Say the kids are tired.

From next year, say you want to have Christmas at home and he can take the kids to his family for an hour or two.

I agree with this.