AIBU to want Christmas Day at home, not all day with in-laws?

[NeedyLimeMember]

This year my husband will be working a lot over the Christmas period - most likely 12-14 hour days on 22-24th and 26th-27th December. We are in a disagreement over what to do on Christmas day. We tend to roughly alternate between spending with mine and his family. This year it's his family's turn. They get together for most of the day (11:30-6:30ish) and do a big Christmas dinner then sit around drinking and chatting and this is what he would like to do. This would mean we wouldn't cook (I always offer to contribute but offer is declined) and the kids would probably have a nice time playing with their cousin. I don't get on particularly well with any of his family so spending this amount of time with them is just not enjoyable for me.
We could plan to go for a shorter time but I'm worried about seeming rude because everyone else goes for the whole day and the meal is such a long affair, it's hard to shorten the time we're there and not disrupt the meal. It's also relevant to mention that his Mum has mild dementia so he wants to make the most of her still being somewhat compus mentus.

I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk. AIBU?

I don't think I'm being particularly selfish that over a 6-7 day stretch, the one day my husband isn't at work for 12-14 hours… I'd like us to have some quality family time together

You are. Yes you are! This is the exact definition of selfishness. Everyone else, including you husband, wants to go to the in laws. They consider this quality family time. The children are not desperate to spend more time with your husband (or you for that matter, sorry) to the exclusion of seeing and playing with their cousins at Christmas. Your husband wants to immerse himself in his extended family Christmas, warts and all.

We all view Christmas differently. Some people think of it as tradition, focused on children, nostalgia, extended family and season of good will etc. Others see it as a time for self care and relaxation. Neither one is right but I suspect you don’t share the same view as your husband and children. Would your Christmas at home involve full dinner and traditions or would it be more open presents, stick a movie on and pizza tea?

The problem is surely your husband’s working hours, rather than anything to do with his family. It’s unfortunate that his job involves long shifts/working weekends etc (hospitality, care, retail?) Is it possible that as his career progresses he may be able to have more control over this? If not, this situation will repeat itself year upon year.

Sort out with your husband how you each want Christmas to look going forward. If it is very important to you to have him around more over Christmas, look at how his employment can change to accommodate this. It might mean a drop in salary or loss of flexibility elsewhere.

I think as your DH is working so much over Christmas, it's reasonable to change for this year, and stay home.

His family's Christmas Day does sound a bit grim, you and DH don't enjoy it, and your kids will be happy to have a day with both of you.

I think go for it, you're not spoiling anyone's Christmas, they'll all get on fine without you, and you can visit PIL over Xmas when your DH is free.

"I would rather spend most of the day at home - we have so little time for quality family time and I'll be solo parenting for the rest of the week. I really don't want to spend the one day we have together with the kids playing in another room, making small talk with his family while everyone gets drunk."

That is exactly what you say to your DH.

Your husband seems to mostly be doing this out of obligation but what about his obligation to you and your children? Yes, he feels he has limited years with his mother but he also has very limited years with his children being children. The Christmas magic ends all too quickly with children and then those are years you can never get back. I would therefore urge you to protect these holidays when your children are still young.

I would care much less about being perceived as rude and much more about protecting and cherishing this limited time with your children. I do think it makes sense to still go over to the in-laws, but I would draw the line at lunch. Two hours. Then you can have a nice dinner and evening with your children and your husband can still feel good that he went.

This. If you go to your parents fine every other year, it's a bit off to cry off your husband's turn with his parents just because "you don't like it" or "you get bored."
I'm guessing you wouldn't like it if he did that on "your" year with your parents.

@NeedyLimeMember I would do it for my H and DC, albeit reluctantly.

Maybe next year switch it up. Book a few days away over the festive period.

It’s one day…one day out of the festive season!! So it doesn’t suit you, tough, it doesn’t have to ‘suit’ you. The day isn’t about you, forget about yourself for one short day and look around you and see the joy others have in being together.

Why isn’t the day about OP too? Why isn’t OP allowed any joy?

So depressing that people still think it’s women’s responsibility to give everyone else a good Christmas at the woman’s expense.

Also re your DH’s hours, he is working rather than on a stag do, so I assume you (broadly) agreed to this and/ or will benefit financially. Do you work? Are you off together at any point? Or do you have other periods when it’s a bit quieter. I say this because you do seem to be a bit fixated on the long days solo parenting but this isn’t that unusual. In our house we tend to try to take a few days around Christmas together but in reality one of us is solo parenting for most of the holidays, it’s rarely everyone home.

If I were you I would focus on those days, what you’d like to do, will you see your own family? There are often fun clubs and trails at that time of the year. Can you, to an extent, use that time as quiet at home time? Personally I think if you’ve been around the house for all of the time before Christmas day I think I’d be ready for a change of scene by the day itself and I know my kids would.

It's not, though. It's one of the few days OP, her DC and DH woukd have together. Also, it doesn't sound like sitting around all day while people get drunk is her idea of a nice Christmas.

Why twist this into that sort of debate? It's nothing to do with her being a woman and everything to do with this being the year they were supposed to go to his family. Had it been her year, we'd be saying he needs to respect that.

And just to make you beam with joy, the DH actually has to go to work over the festive period.

I readily admit there is zero fun in watching others getting steadily getting drunk, ghastly.

I should and could have said, this is one day every 2 years that the OP is asked to put herself out. One day, and it’s only slightly more than half a day, and only every second year! This day gives others great pleasure. For half a day every second year, I don’t think this is too much of a sacrifice.

I think it's a little unfair this year as it's not your families turn! And the dementia.

But, perhaps going forward you can split it into 3's? One year each with the in-laws, your family and a Xmas alone with just you, hubby and the kids.

Is there a reason there can’t be a compromise? Go from 11:30-3:30 and then enjoy a restful afternoon and dinner at home together. If food is served later there then head over around 1:30. I don’t think it has to be 7hrs or nothing!

Could you go for a shorter time, @NeedyLimeMember? If you tell the extended family your dh is working long days before and after Christmas, so he needs some time at home, to rest, on Christmas Day - wouldn’t they understand that?

Can you go with the kids one of the other days to your family? Atleast breaks up the solo parenting and might lessen the blow a bit of all day with his family? I know the feeling though, my family expect us there from morning till evening. Husbands parents are passed away so haven’t got any reason to alternate either and I know he really struggles with it with mine all day. We’ve started saying every other year we will stay at home

I voted as not unreasonable, however as it is his families turn and the dementia aspect. I would go this year, but I would make it the last year. From next year you all spend the day at home.

Makes sense why you want to change the plans this year, OP. It’s worse than a normal weekend around Christmas it seems as you only have one day your DH will be free and it sounds like a potentially packed day.

Maybe a compromise to see the in laws around the New Year mark instead?

I think chatting to your husband will be the best.

My parents and in laws are all in their 70s and 80s and I guess if I went strictly by turn we may never have a Christmas alone or have our own traditions while DC is a child. I think even with health issues people live a lot longer and now younger families are stuck with traditions that doesn’t suit. Having Christmas that best suits the parents should be accepted and not argued.

But they don't owe them their Christmas, it's only their turn in terms of where they went last year. They can change family traditions and plans and it will always affect one side.

Alternatively, you could say that your dh has exactly 1 day off at Christmas and this is how he wants to spend it, whereas you have several days to stay home with the kids.

Because your mil has dementia and your DH wants to go I'd suck it up this year but insist we arrive at 12 not 11.30am. tThat gives you most of morning with your DH and kids also tell DH you want to leave by 6pm. That gives you and DH time alone in evening. Whilst there go with kids into other room to play with them. Next year don't go to your family until 12.30pm and leave by 6pm. Following year same at in-laws.

Yeah my SIL (bros wife) is like you. They alternate on years it’s her mum’s Chrsitmas, then “roughly alternate” on years it’s a Christmas with my parents. My parents are just a bit dull but not the crime of the century and their grandkids love them. It’s totally obvious my SIL doesn’t think our family are good enough. (Except to provide a load of child care)

And your brother has no choice in the matter?

On Christmas day?