AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

What the fuck is going on? Who has been murdered?

Your mums dementia may be worse than you're recognising. Personality can shift fast and permanently, and becoming unpleasant is common.

Why did you take her to buy a wedding dress at all? She'd told you all repeatedly she didn't want to pay for it, why did you make her pay for it at all?

Why didn't you end the day with your mum much earlier on? Your poor daughter, this is her wedding!

People can be very good at hiding dementia and the severity of it

I am so sorry about your bil and that a special day for your DD was ruined.

I think taking a step back for a few days was the right thing to do, we can all say things in the heat of the moment and you took steps to avoid that.

Your dad absolutely should listen to your side but my inlaws are just like that. Mil can do absolutely no wrong at all, it's always everyone else.

Its hard as your mum has dementia but if shes spoiling something, shes spoiling it. Doesn't mean you and DD cant be upset. Its not like you've uninvited her form the wedding.

Hopefully just you and DD can go to her fittings and have a lovely time then instead.

YANBU

I would go back to work and let them have private carers. Or their beloved son can look after them.

Not sure why you were expecting your DM to pay for the dress knowing how she felt. I think it's a good thing you've paid her back. It could be dementia worsening or just the usual family issues that seem to go with wedding invites but who goes to the wedding is down to your Dd and whoever is paying which I assume is not her grandparents. If they are also paying for the wedding then frankly I think the plans need to change, it sounds like there's a lot going on.

I don’t understand why your mum was paying for the wedding dress when she is so unhappy about the wedding?
I also feel a bit sad for your brother if he’s the only one on your side of the family not invited.
But a break from each other sounds good so you can all gain some perspective.

(Really confused about who got murdered by the way!).

I voted yanbu. Has your mum always been hard work and obsessed with your brother, or has there been a complete personality change?

Do Not under any circumstances allow either of your parents to your daughter’s wedding. They will ruin it. Take your daughter out for lunch, apologise for what happened and do something lovely like shopping for her wedding jewellery or flowers or something. Make up for that day.

Go back to work. Why are you sacrificing everything for these awful people (I get your mum might have dementia but your dad has no excuse.)

I think it's really poor that your single sibling hasn't been invited when your son in law has such a big family. But yes, give yourself some time away, being a carer is a thankless task, let them get in extra help.

Having taken on the roll of carer you need to sort out of the roll of daughter. Too many blurred lines here, does your brother see your parents? Did you decide to become their carer despite him or so you were in control?

This is so strange and I’m not sure your intentions are good.

My bil was killed by some random guy high on drugs a few weeks ago

i didn’t know till we got there how she felt about paying for dress otherwise no I wouldn’t have taken her

the money for the dress had been transferred to DD several weeks before, she didn’t pay on the day

This all sounds like utter chaos tbh.

Your mum shouldn’t have been invited anyway, or been asked to pay for the dress.

You shouldn’t be needing to get a loan for it either. If no one including the bride can afford the dress, get a cheaper one within budget.

The wedding guest arrangement sound like chaos as well.

Agree with others that you should go back to work if money is tight and leave your parents to arrange carers.

Neither of your parents should come to your daughter's wedding and you should apologise to your daughter for ruining the dress-choosing experience by bringing your mum along when she clearly was in no fit state to be part of that. You should have taken mum home as soon as she started being so horrible. Her dementia isn't her fault but that doesn't give her free licence to ruin everyone else's lives. It's fine for you to step back from helping them, they can buy in the help they need with the money they aren't contributing to the wedding.

I didn’t know she didn’t want to pay for the dress till this weekend. They money had been transferred to DD a few weeks ago so she didn’t pay on the day - I wouldn’t have let that happen x

Why on earth was your mum paying for the dress? Surely you could see what a bad idea it was to have her pay (and extremely questionable anyway if she has dementia), and she kept saying she didn’t want to pay but you didn’t take that into account there?

It all seems bit martyr like really, you gave up your life etc. You didn’t have to and seems a bad idea.

Maybe go back to work, at least part time. They can have professional carers and you can all have space from each other, and don’t take money from them moving forward.

You need to bullet point what you've sent here and send it your dad, so there is absolutely no shadow of a doubt that it wasnt just one minor thing.
I dont want to pin her behaviour on dementia as to be honest, i get the impression reading between the lines that she has always been difficult.
Its not punishing someone for having dementia for recognising they no longer have enough control over their emotions not to ruin certain things for others and themselves (as lets face it, she wasnt having fun either) and therefore not having them at such things is the best way forward.
*Edited as just saw you updated about the dress.

Brother in law

mum didn’t pay on the day, money had been sent a few weeks ago -wasn’t full cost of dress just what she was comfortable spending

Appalling to invite everyone in a family except one person. Your DD and her husband to be sound uncaring and selfish. Yes, there can be “rules” to keep numbers down, but when it leaves ONE person out of an entire family, it has the potential to become stupid and rigid and uncaring.

I don’t blame your DM for not wanting to pay for the dress. You and your DD should learn: play silly games, win silly prizes. Natural consequences to your choices and decisions.

He’s the golden child and refers to himself as such. Her favourite- always has been. I just accept it - can’t change her. She always made it very obvious

You have taken early retirement to be your mother's carer, but your home is 4 hours drive away from your mother's home?
Hmmm
Then there's the manslaughter and dead dog story. ⬆️ 🦈
And you somehow forced your mother (who suffers from MCI) to pay for a wedding dress she said repeatedly she didn't want to pay for. That's financial abuse isn't it? Glad you paid her back.

I’ve got the money, I just need to access it and I need to give notice on the account!

Your mum’s dementia may be worse than you think, but if so your Dad should be picking up on her unreasonable behaviour, not defending her.

It’s good you’ve paid the money back for the dress. I would look at going back to work and sorting out carers for your parents. It’s unlikely your mum’s behaviour is going to get better. I think the burden of it on you and your immediate family is going to be too great.

This will blow over....Give it a week or 2.

There's no point trying to change these people in the winter of their lives. Just try to detach emotionally while trying to be there physically. Im so sorry for you. Its a hard situation

Why on earth dont you want to "fall out with them"?
They treat you and your daughter like absolute shit.

If you want to accept that for yourself thats your funeral but you should tell your daughter there is no reason on earth she has to do the same and you will support her 100% if she doesnt want the nasty twats in her life.

Edit - i assumed she's always been like this. Has she? Apologies if this is not the case. If it is new behaviour solely and purely as a result of the mild dementia then perhaps still help out where you can, if you want to but I maintain there is fuck all reason to accept being treated like shit.

Someone who has dementia is very unlikely to be able to remember instructions to not to talk to X about Y.

you need to separate your roles as carer and your role as parent to your DD.

you absolutely cannot rely on someone with dementia to be able to operate effectively in a complex social environment and it was a really really risky thing to do to have her at the dress fitting.

my mum has dementia and she does see my (adult) kids but they are very aware that she’s not always as in control of her emotions as she used to be and will often drift and not be totally sure where she is and say inappropriate things.

you don’t have to keep caring for your parents - that is your choice - but realistically someone with dementia doesn’t operate like a fully functioning person and it’s worth being aware of that.