AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

I read this "all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going." perfectly fine - the mum was originally going to pay.

Sadly I have many years experience dealing with dementia and seeing how it presents, which often makes you think youre thevone going mad. One minute a person with early stage dementia can get in their car and drive perfectly, the next they are trying to put a slice of cheese into a DVD player.

You're getting a lot of criticism for letting your mum pay for the dress, when you've been very clear that she wanted too and had already sent the money!

I think you did the right thing in sending the money back to her. I agree with suggestions that you take your daughter out for a lovely day to pick flowers, shoes whatever, to have a more positive experience. Hopefully your DD wasn't as bothered by the dress shopping as much as you were - easier to dismiss a granny going off on one than your mum.

My Mum had dementia, and in the early stages it was hard to know how much of her difficult behaviour was dementia or personality, and hard to know how she'd be on any one day. Sadly you've found out a hard way how difficult your mum can be, but at least now you know she can be very unreasonable and fixated on an issue.

It's totally understandable why your brother isn't invited, and I'm sure he really isn't that bothered.

I really urge you to go back to work and give up being your parents full time carer - it's a very difficult role. I worked part-time and visited my parents nearly every day, and had carers come in. It was much more manageable, especially emotionally, but my kids were young so visits were about an hour.

I had the same situation with a golden child sibling, who never stepped up to help.

Your Dad can be your Mum's carer, with support as necessary from day centres, carers, cleaner etc. He'll eventually realise when it's too hard for him, as she declines, and you can look at residential care then.

This really

Not sure why you dragged your mother to the wedding dress appointment either.

So why are you setting yourself on fire to keep them warm?

Never reduce your earning capacity for others.

If they have money they should be paying for carers, or ask your council's social care team to do an assessment for their needs.

If I was you, I would be going back to work and stepping back from parents' care.

Correct. Mum is 5 mins away!

Via a loan.

The back story is that there are loads of uncles and aunties and none of them are invited.

I rather suspect your Mum's dementia is much more advanced than you think. A complete personality change, and nastiness isn't uncommon.

Your Mum is super focused on the fact your brother hasn't been invited to the wedding. This isn't your fault, it's the decision your daughter and her future husband decided upon, to keep costs down.

Taking your Mum, who you know has dementia to wedding dress shop, was a huge mistake. There was zero reason for her to be there, but I rather think you (and possibly your daughter) felt she should, because she's paying for the wedding dress. It may have also made her feel entitled to having an input on the guest list.

You have done the right thing in giving your Mum the money back for the wedding dress. It's unfortunate you've had to take out a loan to do so though. I also think you have done the right thing in stepping back for a while. At this point, as you're a carer for your parents, surely they need you, more than you need them?! If they become stubborn, then maybe it's time to get in outside help to provide for their caring needs? You've sacrificed a lot for your parents, and limited yourself financially and probably socially too.

Your Dad is throwing a tantrum, because his wife can't have her own way. It's not your wedding. It's your daughter's and her future husband's, so the guest list is entirely their choice. You can't and shouldn't insist your daughter changes her mind, to appease your Mum either.

So many people here posting without reading or understanding the OP's posts

So many people posting here with patronising advice for the OP about her mum's dementia, as if they understand the mum's condition better than her actual daughter who is caring for her every day. "If you are her full time carer and that’s what you have said your job now is, you can “take space” but you need to get in help to cover your “full time” care role." You think she doesn't know better than you what her mum needs?

So many posters being judgey about the mum's gift of the money to be put towards the cost of the dress, despite the OP explaining several times about how and when the money was given and that she had paid her back already.

Sometimes MN drives me nuts

I hope when I get Alzheimers I will be a happy but confused old person rather than an angry and anxious one 🤞

Mum has sprays been difficult. She has no friends as she alienates everyone ☹️

So, you've got 2 extra seats to fill at dds wedding....

Your mum is either too rude to keep her place at the wedding or too ill to be able to keep her mouth shut, in which case she loses her invite anyway. Your dad can't have it both ways.

I'm sorry but this is relationship-destroying stuff, I'd be going NC with all of them and suggesting to DD she does the same.

Presumably her mother wanted to go to the appt until she found golden balls isn't invited.

The father of the bride has a large family too.

Ah crikey OP, dementia is so difficult. My grandad was very horrid in the early stages of dementia. It was very upsetting for all of us. It's legitimate if you conclude you don't have the capacity to deal with that from one of your relatives - being a carer for them is a big deal.

Have you managed to have a conversation with your daughter so she understands it's (hopefully) the disease impacting your mum, not a reflection on your daughter?

Bil has been murdered.

Thank you. I actually am trying so hard to help her. No one trains you for this and you don’t always get it right.

So do I, horrible disease.

And I think it's unfair to say that she has been taken advantage of over paying for the dress - which had already been done before the dress fitting.

I also trust the OP when she says "mild cognitive impairment (early dementia)" because the grandma managed to make the decision later to wait until the OP was out of earshot to keep complaining.

This to me is a woman who has taken issue with the fact her son has not been invited - all uncles and aunts have not been invited because it's a small wedding. While early dementia may have made her more aggressive and badly behaved towards them, she's isn't having any issue with remembering to be cross over the issue of no uncles, she is going on and on about it over some considerable time. So she isn't at the stage where someone has taken advantage over dress money. She is obviously aware she paid for the dress willingly and literally now resents it because her son isn't invited.

I’ve done that

Have I missed why the brother is not invited and, if he is the golden child, he should be the one doing the caring or, at least, sharing the load 50%.

The unwell didn't do the 4 hour journey.

Yes you have missed it.

Sound just like my mum. It made me laugh when you said that she was still holding a grudge about something a 5 year old did.

We lost so many friends when were were young because my mum was rude to them.

I am no longer in contact with her and am so much happier.

This thread is so frustrating! No one reads the actual words of the OP.

Ooft, you need to organise care, and you go back to work. It might have been fine doing the caring up to now, but it’s clear it’s getting worse, and it will only continue to do so. Do you really want to continue in this vein, but worse and worse, until she passes away which might be a long time? If you do, I think you need to get support yourself to deal with the hell this condition brings to close family members op. I’m really sorry your DD’s day was spoiled too.

I cared for my mom before she died of cancer and whilst that was emotionally and physically exhausting I wouldn’t even compare it to looking after someone with dementia. It’s very obvious you’re doing your best and I’ve seen what dementia did to my husbands nan and how being just in her company was taxing and also very sad. You’d visit and that visit could see her happy, sad and enraged within the first half an hour. It’s not something that’s easily done, it’s exactly why in nursing is has its own category. A dementia nurse has additional training to those of a standard carer. So being to harsh on yourself isn’t fair or even justified. Its ok to find it overwhelming and needing to step back