AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

Brother does nothing to help, never has. I live nearby so it’s just fallen on me as often happens. No one wakes up and says oh I’ll be an unpaid carer, it just happens. I’m happy to help them now they need help

So she's demented but you can spend her money on an unnecessary dress 🤔

Seems very strange that your DD hasn't invited her uncle to her wedding - what is the back story there?

Is it normal these days for Granny to go to the dress choosing? In my day you took your Mum....

Your Mum has obviously got issues - may be just keep her out of the wedding arrangements until the day of the ceremony?

If your DD and her fiancé have any sense, they would just keep everything to themselves from now on. Sounds like a nightmare wedding!

I’m my parents full time carer

If this is true then you need to get with the programme. This is standard dementia behaviour - the obsessing, the grumpiness, thé refusal to do something. DM may always have been challenging, if so she will only get worse.

Nonetheless DM is entirely justified in not wanting to pay for the dress particularly as her son is NFI (I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my GM for such a thing). If DD can’t afford her dress she can’t afford to get married yet.

In short, you don’t seem to have thought the wedding through + you’re asking something U of DM + she will only get increasingly unreasonable as the dementia progresses.

If you can’t cope with this without flouncing I’d gently suggest you’re not equipped for dementia care.

If your dad thinks his wife is a confused old lady, why doesn't he cut you some slack too, knowing that she can be difficult? I hate it when people only see it from one point of view. Besides, to wait until you're not in earshot to have a go at your daughter makes me think your mum does know what she's doing and not too bad at the old cognitive stuff.

I don't know why you've not invited your brother but it's up to your daughter and groom to invite who they want to. That's just something your parents need to accept.

Anyway, glad you paid for the dress. Go back to work, leave them to sort out their own care, or get your brother to do it.

You took your mum with dementia to buy your Dds dress ? I don't know why you and your dd wanted to accept her money ? It sounds absolute chaos. I think you eventually paying for her dress was the right thing to do, weddings can bring the worst out in people who is paying for the wedding?

It's the daughter, the bride who is 4 hours away.

Going by the OP, no aunts and uncles were invited - as too many.

Your mums decline will change her personality and as you have experienced quite dramatically, are you going to be able to cope with that ?

Why was your mother paying for a dress she clearly did not want to pay for? You or your daughter should have always paid for the dress. And I would have invited the one uncle from that side.

She’s always said she will and has talked non stop about it since DD got engaged. She has capacity. The money was sent a few weeks ago so didn’t pay on the day, I wouldn’t have let her knowing how she felt

Nope, you tell your mother fine,write your father a letter saying the best thing is, as Mum seems to want complete control over who is invited to the wedding.
You believe Mum is vulnerable, not manipulative, so the best thing is that she isn't stressed by the wedding, so it is best you both don't attend.
Since you don't appreciate my help, and believe I have caused permanent harm to the family, it is only logical you should find paid help, because I am mortally offended and have stepped back, and will not be helping in future.

DD can pay for the dress! I can pay - just need to access the money which takes 30 days

Also because there is no extended family going this wedding is going to be a pain in the neck your mum isn't going to let it go.

Correct. It’s a very very small wedding

I know. I just needed a few days space

The non-invited person is a man. 99% probability he will be delighted at not having to go to a wedding no matter what the mother says.

It is sad that your daughter's day was spoilt in that way. From experience with my mum I would say that it was the dementia that caused her to be so difficult. My own mum changed so much and became obsessed with ridiculous things in the year or so before dementia became apparent. She seemed depressed and angry about everything. I did all I could to support her but then she wound up in hospital with a suspected stroke. There was no stroke but within the course of 24 hours she changed completely and the dementia couldn't be ignored.

Your mum was in a strange place, without your dad and clearly became fixated on your brother. It was lovely of your daughter to want her there when she chose her dress and it's not surprising you were all upset by her. But don't cut them off - take a break by all means but also be prepared to need extra help.

And I hope the wedding is beautiful and goes off without a hitch.

It does seem harsh to leave out the only uncle on one side just because the other family members have lots of siblings as presumably those other siblings have lots of nieces & nephews whereas your brother only has your DD (& any other DCs you have).

Separately this all sounds like such a mess & planning on taking money from a lady with dementia isn’t good.

I can see your mothers view a bit. It seems cruel to exclude one family member because the groom has such a large family.

Whether this is part of your mother's condition or not it is hard to say. I think this wedding is going to be very tricky if your dd uncle is not invited. I assume your daughter wants her Grandparents at the wedding. If so I would invite her Uncle and put him in full charge of his parents for the day.

Long-term I think you need to look into some kind of care for your parents/mother and maybe return to work part time.

Yet you’ve already transferred it ?

They need to get carers that are not you. Its having a negative effect on you your dh and daughter.
Just take a huge step away and have healthy boundaries.
Most of us have this moment when we have to make the decision to get outside help. Its healthy for them and you. You will have a better relationship with them.

Very sexist - my DB & DH would be disappointed, so to say this really is ridiculously sexist.

I care for DH with dementia. I really understand your frustration and how the key family occasions of others can be severely impacted by a family member with the disease. I would suggest you ask the GP to refer you onwards so a specialist can review her medication. Dementia understandably causes depression and it is usual to have some form of anti-depressive within the mix alongside something like Rivestigamine which can cut down on symptoms such as paranoia and fixation.

Otherwise, dealing with dementia is a roller coaster, so I would simply make sure you limit the impact (I would have done the dress fitting without her if that were possible) and I would certainly see if you can minimise her input elsewhere.

I would explain calmly (tone of voice is important), that your BIL will not be coming and that this is final and not negotiable.

Unless your mum has always been difficult, a terrible judgement was made to take a woman with dementia to this appointment, especially knowing her views on the brother situation.

And theres potentially an element of taking advantage re: her buying the dress.

Dementia - I mean, the clue is in the name.