AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

Agreed. I feel sorry for OP and very sorry for her daughter. The mum is a spoiled brat with a bad attitude and the dad is an enabler. She hasn't got an actual diagnosis dong forget. I bet paying for the dress gave her more power in her eyes and it was an attempt to control things as she akways likes to have her way. The issue with the brother not being invited most likely is a red herring. If she wasn't kicking off about his invite it would be the location, the food, the date etc. she most likely would find something else. I am amused at the cries to “just invite the brother”, who in real life invites people to other people’s weddings?!

Boundaries need re-setting. I would to know OP husbands perspective on it all. Sounds like he has the patience of a saint. Putting up with their behaviour, subsiding them with his wife’s Labour (probably his as well) and her giving up work

By saying you are like a shark?

Yes.

Then let him look after her since hes so special ! Dont put your life on hold for ungrateful people , You do know she is going to completely ruin your daughters wedding dont you !

I think the timeline will clarify things.

Mother transfer transferred the money to pay for her granddaughter’s dress some weeks earlier. Voluntarily and with no objections raised.

On the day of the fitting, weeks after the money had been given, Mom was upset because her other child would not be invited to the wedding and changed her mind about being willing to pay for the dress. It is certainly possible that she does not remember having offered if she has dementia. It is certainly possible that she does not remember that she already gave the money. And a part of dementia can also be becoming fixated on the fact that her favorite child is not being invited to the wedding. So it’s not necessarily financial abuse. People with dementia agree to things and then forget that they’ve agreed to them.

Now a simple answer would be that all four parents get to invite x number of family member members-so Mom couldn’t invite both of her parents and her brother and dad couldn’t invite both of his parents and someone or choose not to. Same on the groom’s side. That might feel a little bit more fair if only one person is being excluded from the Mom’s side of the family. But at the end of the day, it is the bride in grooms decision who they want to invite and how they want to split up the guest list.

Don't continue to martyr yourself for your parents, who have always put your brother on a pedestal and treated you less favourably (even though they consider you worthy enough to be your cared). Dementia or cognitive decline apart, your mother has always been difficult and your father has enabled her. I feel sorry for your DD having her day ruined by your mother's carping. Don't allow her wedding day to be spoiled either. I'd be unavailable for future care and reassess the whole situation.

This. As hard as it seems you don’t owe your parents your life. Adult relationships require effort and manners on both sides.

Not a bad idea as a way of explaining to the larger side of the family why he is being invited, (but not their cast of thousands), to help with your mother needs? Or is there an evening list, could he be invited to that if so?

Your daughter should reconsider inviting her DGP. Given your update of a small intimate wedding dinner. Your mother might well be pissed over her DS. She is not considering her only DGD feelings or her DD’s.
If she continues to act negatively towards you before the wedding, uninvited her.
I hope you all have a lovely day.
You can’t please everyone and you don’t have to.
Update us on how the day goes?

In my opinion when some people get dementia it amplifies the less pleasant parts of their personality and they start expressing things that they would have kept to themselves before. I think you are being told quite clearly what they think of you and it’s up to you what you do about that. You’re being punished by them for putting your daughter first and not letting your mother “have her own way”. The money for the dress was clearly given with conditions, you did the right thing paying her back, she’s annoyed because she can’t hold that over you any more. Nobody here can say if this behaviour is caused by dementia or if you have always been the scapegoat and your brother the golden child. I would be giving them a lot longer than a few days break, it’s very hard to care for family members when nothing you do is quite right and in my experience, it doesn’t get any better as they age. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to re-evaluate your life and start putting yourself and your chosen family first.

Any aggressive interaction with your parents just reply with ‘our bil has just been murdered and precious ddog has died’ until they get the message. So sorry you are dealing with this.

I think this is one of those occasions where you need to step in for your daughter. I’d have an honest conversation with her and ask if she wants her grandparents to come to the wedding. Support her either way and offer to be the one to give the bad news if you have to. This is so unfair for her.

After the wedding, I would stop helping. It’s clearly not valued. They can get their own support or ask their golden child.

Op, why are you their carers? You do have a choice. They sound like they have the means to buy in care, and if they didn't they should be able to receive financial help to do so.

Stop putting your life on hold for them, they don't appreciate it. Stop trying to include them when they don't deserve it.

Enjoy the rest of your retirement and the rest of your life free from their toxicity.

Sounds chaotic and really quite rough...in many ways.. and for more people than yourself. I'd be tempted to postpone the wedding, god knows what will kick off...

Sorry. Not postpone wedding.. DD rethink whether she wants your mum there at all. Is it likely she. - your mum- will keep quiet about your brother on the day or will she continue her rant .

She was being nasty for ages before you even got to then wedding shop you should’ve taken her home and let dd go with her mate.

what a horrible experience for her. Constantly mentioning your brother no seeing dd in a dress is ridiculous. That’s not a sane argument is it. Massive warning signs to take her home in my opinion.

you need to be more agile in dealing with or monitoring you are going to have her in group situations.

i don’t think it’s worth being beholden to them.

The OPs update has made it clear that she isn’t at fault and was simply trying to have a nice day. As her father transferred the dress money there’s no question at all this was coercion. Tbh I think a break is absolutely needed, and in your shoes I’d reconsider exactly how much support you do give going forward. Your Mum can be excused but your Dads behaviour is the part that would make me take a step back - if he won’t listen to you about this is he likely to work with you and support you as you care for them particularly if your mum declines further.

Wouldn’t say it’s that weird, most people aren’t particularly close to uncles when an adult are they? Can’t even remember the last time I saw any of mine!

From what you have written your mother has always been a difficult woman, your father her enabler.

This is the problem when you are a people pleaser offering up your life to people that are selfish and thankless.

Your daughter's special memory has been sacrificed at the alter of trying to keep everyone happy.

Your mother had form, this was 100% to be expected to some degree.

From the ashes of this the best you can do is not allow this to happen again.

Take lots of space.
Your daughters wedding should not be collateral damage to you trying to care for everyone but resulting in her day being spoiled by drama like this.

It's really thankless and your daughter has every right to be very unhappy if this is repeated.

Some parents are very difficult, I know, I had them.

They were excluded from happy occasions as they couldn't be counted upon to not make every such occasion about themselves, and whatever mood they were in that day.
It's a form of controlling narcissism IMO.

I hope your parents aren’t invited to the wedding they sound toxic and will deliberately set out to ruin the day. I think you need to step back from them and tell them golden child can step up by caring for them. No matter what you do it won’t be good enough in their eyes so why are you their carer? You could be earning more money and be free to make precious memories with your own daughter when she went wedding dress shopping. Not only did they devalue you throughout your childhood they are ruining your own children’s time spent with you. You will be dreading your daughter’s wedding as it gets closer because of your parents will do their utmost to spoil the day! If they had money it would all go to your brother even though you’ve sacrificed your own family and earnings for them. They have used you as their scapegoat throughout your life but you are choosing to care for them to the detriment of your own family. Stop walking on eggshells and stop letting them dictate your life.

I can see wht your mum is pissed off and feels used by your dd.
Good enough to loan her money so she can get her dress in time, but not good enough for her son to be included!
She's quite a madam that girl of yours isn't she?

Your parents have always found fault with you and yours, deliberately spoilt special celebrations and old age is not an excuse because they have always been like it. You’ve always tried to prove your worth to them and they relish the control they have over you and your family. The promises they have made to you all are just hooks to keep you in line and hopeful but when the time comes to honour their promises they become belligerent and go out of their way to spoil your daughter’s wedding dress shopping. They have probably said to your daughter since she was a little girl that when she gets married they will be so excited and want to be a big part of her day and help choosing her wedding dress. That they would lend or give her the money to buy the perfect dress because she is so precious to them. The empty promises are a manipulative way of making sure they get the starring role in any special celebrations and then they deliberately spoil it. Had your brother been invited they would fabricate some other fault to crush any happiness for you and your daughter as it’s their favourite pastime for them that they relish.
They set out to make you feel unwanted and not as worthy as your brother, they crushed you self esteem deliberately as they are abusive and made you feel you owe them so they can keep you close and crush your children.
Deep down you feel angry at yourself as you know they are full of shit and they will spoil everything but you don’t know how to extract yourself from their toxic hold over you.

I want to know why your brother is not invited (or have I missed something glaringly obvious?).
also, go back to work and put some space and boundaries in place or you’ll be eaten up with resentment towards everyone. You’re being treated like shit and are reeling like a pinball from one thing to another without having the time to process and gird or galvanise. I’ve been in a carer for parents position and it is very very tough, made much harder by the emotions involved in being a daughter, the only sibling to step up and give up a lot to be the carer and then grief for what your parents used to be and then ultimately, their actual death. All of it mired resentment, childhood roles and managing your own adult life.

No uncles are invited. Yes, you missed it, discussed in the thread many times.

You need to stop being your mum’s carer and go back out to work, you’d earn more money on minimum wage and stop being enmeshed with your parents. Like is too short to keep allowing their behaviour to spoil the rest of your life and that of your children. Tell your parents you and yours wont be treated as a pawn any more and they can sort out their own care or get golden child to take it in. You will be working full time as making your daughter a scapegoat and spoiling the day was the last straw. Enjoy your life with those that care and love you @Biggles27