AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

If you are her full time carer and that’s what you have said your job now is, you can “take space” but you need to get in help to cover your “full time” care role.

Bearing in mind your mother's cognitive impairment, together with her resentment about your brother not being invited to the wedding, it seems a doomed enterprise to have tried to involve her in the dress shopping at all

OP you don’t get days off with dementia. Or rather if you need to over something like this, you need a care plan in place.

This is nothing. You wait until she’s arguing about the circus in the garden at 3 in the morning, while smearing shit on the walls. This is small fry.

I don't understand a 4 hour journey with someone who is unwell, who is unhappy her son is excluded and says she won't pay for the dress. If you look at those things it sounds like elder abuse...it's right you repaid the money for the dress. I would imagine it was a shock to them both and felt like another rejection ..first son ...then the repayment. If they are upset they are bound to have heightened reactions, then add in dementia and distress and a very long journey

I think your mums dementia is deteriorating and in hindsight that should have been thought about before. And then you maybe would have realised that bringing her along for the day was a bad idea. Regardless of all the messy family things going on. I’m presuming she offered to pay for the dress prior to her cognitive heath declining? If not, you shouldn’t really accept it as it’s difficult to ascertain her actual wishes if her memory is poor.
Your poor daughter! I would have ended the day a lot sooner or at least arranged for your mother to leave early as it sounds like she spoiled the day. I would also be wary of inviting your parents to the wedding. Doesn’t sound like your mums attitude will change and I would hate for that to ruin the day as well. I think it will if this brother isn’t invited!
So think about that carefully for your daughters sake.
I think as your mums health declines more, the demand on you is going to be a lot to manage. Seriously think about if you want to take that on. It’s lovely that you have. But you’re sacrificing your life for this. And it sounds like financially it’s a struggle. I would personally return to work and instead you could help them to use their money for carers. You’re not a horrible person if you put yourself first. Dementia is horrible. My Grandmother had it. My mum didn’t become her carer as that would have been too much. Eventually she needed full time care 24/7. She visited as often as she could and I don’t blame her at all for not putting years of her life on hold to care for her mum. And I don’t believe my grandmother would either.

Hi OP, just to add you should make sure that you are claiming Carer's Allowance in England (similar in Scotland) and that your mother is claiming Attendance Allowance. At this stage as well get a Social Services assessment. This can provide support such as day-care and respite. Caring for someone with dementia is a 24/7 job and you need a break.

Look at OPs posts! She took out a loan. Sigh.

She explained that she got a loan.

Oh bless you all. Dementia is so hard and so all encompassing. It's tough to balance the needs of someone with dementia with anyone else's needs. I know. Been there. Done your job.

Hyperfocus is very much a feature of cognitive decline. And it will be hard for your mum to think about the wedding without linking it to her brothers lack of invitation.

Sad as it was that the wedding dress buying day was spoiled, use this to think ahead to the wedding itself. Will your brother be there looking after your parents? If your mum spends all day sad because her brother isn't there, can you be distanced from her for the day, to protect yourself? Or could your dd talk directly to the Uncle now, and explain the reasoning behind the decision? If you can get the Uncle on side saying that he understands, then the message might filter through to your mum. Might.

How soon is the wedding? Use the Mumsnet hive of experience to help you plan ahead for other random ways your dm might react in unusual ways on the day - wanting to go home early? crying? Photobombing (my fil did that, somewhat inappropriately in a couple of photos!) You can't be prepared for every eventuality, but pull in favours from friends/helpful strangers, to prepare for the big day itself.

Edited for typo

You took someone with dementia, and dementia serious enough to need a full time carer to do two unfamiliar things in a day. 1. Wedding dress shopping and 2. Out for dinner.

Surely if you are caring for her you understand dementia and that unfamiliar things are difficult.

Maybe you just are in denial about what dementia is, or you just didn't think. But when someone has dementia things need to be planned around them, they can't just fit in.

So why on earth did you take her Wedding dress shopping?

And that is without the added complication of her son not being invited to the wedding

And actually could your brother come to the wedding just to look after your parents, otherwise you won't be able to enjoy the wedding

OP, what was your mother’s personality like prior to dementia? Was she difficult, rude, argumentative beforehand?

My best friend is currently having issues with a relative with dementia who is sabotaging events. Everyone excuses her because of her condition, however she was not a very nice person for 50 years beforehand, and was prone to such behaviour most of her life. So it’s hard to tell which acts are from the condition, and which are just her true character. Since diagnosis her younger personality appears to be forgotten by everyone, and everyone tries there best to convince her she doesn’t know any better. My best friend isn’t convinced, and it’s very frustrating for her as she is expected to keep quiet, if she isn’t the blame for conflict falls onto her.

If he doesn't care for her now what on earth makes you think he will step up for a wedding

I'm so sorry OP. This all sounds extremely stressful and upsetting. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your BIL and, of course, your dog who would normally, I'm sure, be a comfort to you at this time.
You are obviously not at all unreasonable to take some space to consider what to do. Your next actions though - I think - are based around whether your mother's terrible behaviour is due to dementia or not. It does sound like it might be, but of course we don't know that. If it is dementia, of course you must protect your daughter and her wedding, but you'll probably still want to care for and support your mother - with appropriate medical and professional support. And your dad will have to come to terms with what is happening. But if the bad behaviour is not supported by a diagnosis, I'd be taking a very different approach and telling them that my continued skivvying for them was dependent on good behaviour! Either way, I think I'd advise my daughter to rescind their invitations to the wedding, which they are more than likely going to try to spoil.

This is a bit hard to follow, your mom is seriously ill & in hindsight I would probably have not accepted the wedding dress as their gift unless it came from your dad. I wouldn’t have taken her wedding dress shopping either if knowing she was so upset about your brother not being invited. Just to put a little bit of their perspective out there. He is the only one of your family members not invited. I do get wedding invites need trimming but a blanket ban on all uncles and aunts does sound extreme. An allowance for him would be reasonably explainable as your family is obviously very small, your hubby side will see many more members not in presence when your brother is going to be the only one. I can see why your mom would be upset about that. I know costs run high. I’m sure with such a degree of hurt your parents would pay for their son’s place as way of

Explain to your daughter that whilst her nan is upset she wouldn’t usually handle things this way, that her upset is reasonable but because she can’t contextualise situations she purely reacts out of confusion and emotional, hence the holding against her mate she did as a little kid.

now going forward with the level of care your mom seems to need and what you can realistically cope with needs addressing now not when the horse as bolted and you’re mental health is on the floor and your mom ends up hurting herself. This situation maybe the catalyst needed to come to terms with what you can and are willing to do. You are already financially compromised (not being able to afford your daughter’s dress outright suggests you really are sacrificing more than you can honestly afford). Taking loans out will only make this worse. How much does your brother help? I do think you’re doing more than you can cope and able to deal with. This reality needs addressing.

your dad will calm down. Give it a few days and go see them apologise. Get all your thoughts and ideas in order and have an honest frank talk about the plan for your mom’s ongoing care with a view of you stepping back abit. Your message reads like it’s from a very overwhelmed and stressed person. It wasn’t the easiest to follow & it was obviously written by someone really fustrated and obviously knackered. I can see how in the middle of trying to keep your mom happy whilst giving your daughter the best wedding experience has upset you but try not trying so hard, this is just how it is for your daughter, her nan is ill. This is a shit time and I send all my love to you & your family.

Why do people on MN not read?

Money had already been transferred to the bride so the apt would of been (if grandma had allowed it) a fun time together, she wasn't taken along to pay. I presume grandma had already offered and was pleased to do so until it turned out all the uncles and aunts were excluded from the wedding.

This isn't what I class as advanced dementia btw, you know, advanced enough to accuse the OP of taking advantage for money... why? Because grandma waited deliberately until the OP is out of earshot to keep moaning about it later, this is thought out and no advanced cognitive issues.

And the money has now been paid back.

and I'm a woman and would be secretly quite relieved. Definitely not a gender thing!

YANBU! I’d tell your parents what you’ve said here, you know she’s not doing it intentionally but it was stressful, ruined what should have been a nice day and you need a break. They’ve had the dress money back (mean of them to only offer to help pay if your daughter does what they want), it’s not up to you what your daughter and her fiance do about the wedding, but if they’re so upset about it perhaps they can either not go or your dad can promise to keep mum occupied if she’s not going to manage keeping her emotions to herself.

Then I’d tell them to find a carer as it’s best you don’t do it anymore considering the things your dad has said about/to you and it’s just not working out anymore.

Sorry about your brother in law and dog.

On the surface it sounds awful, but I do have to wonder if your Mum’s dementia is worse than you realise? There were several occasions during the period when my mum and mother in law were in the early stages of dementia when there was a very sudden, overnight, small but noticeable decline. With my mother in law it was just an escalation of forgetfulness but with my mum, it was a change in personality. She went overnight from being my lovely, kind, funny mum to someone who was quite spiteful and nasty at times, and she seemed to have lost her filters. She sometimes improved after a few days in the early stages, but always got worse again quite quickly.

I get it you tried to do a nice thing trying on dresses having the whole family experience but I think her dementia has progressed and you might be looking at more support than you can legitimately give its very very hard caring for someone with dementia my friend has just had to put her mom in a home social services said she would be "fine" living in her home with adaptations and less than a week later she was found wandering the streets at 2am it was awful she doesn't always recognise her own daughters the thing is she has always had a subtle favourite the dementia has bought it out full force and its not my friend (who did all the caring) this has led to a lot of trauma her stepping back and ultimately a care home

You might need to step back for your own sanity

You set yourself up for failure there

• Planning a wedding, which sounds last minute with the dress being a rush order, knowing there will have to be big cuts on the guest list, whilst also grieving the loss of a murdered family member…….was ALWAYS going to be fraught and stressed
• Taking an elderly woman with dementia on a trip hours away, when you knew she was upset about the uncle not being invited, was a really silly move on your part.
• You have to accept that your DMs dementia affects how she relates to others, situations. It can be unpleasant and very stressful but it’s part of the illness.
• People can arrange any type of wedding the wish, but it’s also them that has to deal with the family fallouts over their choices. Stop trying to protect your SIL,DD. They can deal with this as equally as you can.
• Poor planning has led to this situation, therefore start planning now about how the wedding day will work. Are they still invited? how long will they be there for? Just the ceremony and photos?
• Would it be beneficial to invite the uncle to save drama but under the proviso that he is responsible for your parents that day? thus taking some of the work off you so you can enjoy you DDs day. I’m sure most family members who aren’t invited would understand your DB being invited as he is helping look after your elderly parents.

Your Mum has got Dementia. It's worrying that you are her carer but don't seem to know how Dementia can affect people.

Just get her the dress money back

YABU. You shouldn't have taken your mum out for this and she shouldn't be paying for the dress. She ruined the experience for your daughter and it was completely unnecessary.

You did the right thing to pay her back for the dress and have a break. I'd say don't take her or your dad to the wedding. It doesn't sound like that would be a pleasant experience for anyone.

I'd also look at going back to work and getting SS involved to care for your parents. They will get more needy and will eventually need more care than you can provide.