AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

Look i just said theres potentially an element of taking advantage. Because, as you'll know, there always is (whether its intended or not) when someone with dementia offers to pay a large sum of money for something.

I trusted my relative when she said her hisband had mild/early stages, he was early stages tbf. 2 weeks later he was asking where his sister was, she died years before.

Then for a few months you wouldnt have known he had any impairment. Absolutely fine. We actually got our hopes up it was misdiagnosis

Until out of the blue he caused a house fire trying to fry chicken in the plastic container.

Why are you being a martyr and sacrificing your life for your parents?

You're getting stick on here for your daughter not inviting your brother but as I understand it quite clearly from your post, both the groom and bride have numerous aunts and uncles and a decision was made to either invite no one or all of them which usually would be seen as the right thing to do on MN.

You're getting a much tougher ride on here than you should be doing - you're in a very stressful period of your life, you've been looking after your parents who are vulnerable and you have just had a shocking bereavement. Please look after yourself - this is a lot!

As regards your parents, I would give it a few days and then make peace - they are your parents and they're elderly and probably scared. I reached a point with my own parents where I just felt me telling them a few home truths would not have been helpful and it sounds as if your dad is not going to change and might struggle to see your point. The couple of times I did push back, I found myself accused of "upsetting your mother" just as you have been and ended up apologising. You could message your dad to say you'll be in touch next week but you have your own stuff going on at the moment and you hope he understands. As for you causing permanent harm to your family, I would just try to ignore that sort of accusation. I wonder if they just aren't used to you having needs of your own?

My own experience when my parents needed care is that some family members are expected to do it and others just aren't. It is incredibly galling when you're doing most of the heavy lifting to hear about the once in a blue moon visits from the child who carries no responsibility and is an absolute sweetie to them.

OP, your mother has always been difficult yet you decided to make a nice day for HER.

You should have focused on your daughter instead of your mother.

You chose to put your mother ahead of your own daughter and HER special day to buy a dress.

Look at your actions.
Look at your choices.
Your poor daughter.
Her dress buying day ruined.

It could have been completely avoided by you making kinder choices towards your daughter.

YOU sacrificed her special day for your difficult mother.

I think you need to take a really hard look at yourself and what you have chosen to do on this special day and who you put first.

Her day was ruined by you including your mother.

Yabu.

Yes. But it's all in the OP.

Taking your Mum, who you know has dementia to wedding dress shop, was a huge mistake. There was zero reason for her to be there.

Maybe because her mum has been talking about the dress since the engagement, had sent the money to the DD some time ago, and wanted to go. Nobody foresaw how she would behave until it was too late.

You're too enmeshed with them. I'd go back to work and arrange professional carers to look after them.

While that may be true, let's not forget the OP herself, who after all gave up her job to look after her elderly parents are not the actions of someone who wants to take advantage over dress money (esp when has the money herself anyway), the lady herself has a husband who, going by the OP's posts isn't a mild and meek man and would surely stop his wife being taken advantage of.

I just think the way people on here have a, not read and understood the posts by the OP is annoying, they've also jumped to conclusions about the OP's nature and how bad the dementia is just to have a go at her.

It could actually be that the OP's mum is just a very very difficult woman? They do exist after all.

But it sounded like you did? In your long post, you said: ’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother'

I think others with more experience of caring with parents with dementia are posting helpful suggestions, but you need to be clear to yourself and your brother whether it has 'just fallen on me' as it sounded like a conscious choice based on taking your pension early etc?

Jesus christ. Mumsnet in a nutshell with some posters - it's all the OP's fault! Have a pop, don't care if based on facts. Ffs.

I’m with you - the effort & faff of going to a wedding is something I can no longer be bothered with but my DH loves them (the social side & catching up with people etc)!

Honestly, OP, just invite the brother and be done with it. It's just an extra guest or two. Your mum sounds a bit of a nightmare, but she probably just can't grasp why her son isn't going to be at this wedding. She doesn't know, or care, about the fact there's are loads of uncles / aunts etc on the other side. The early onset dementia may well be exacerbating everything. To her mind it's just, 'one more person,' and she doesn't understand why he's being barred. Life is too short, none of this is worth it.

Your mum was horrible before the dementia - holding a grudge against a five year old, really?!

She has no friends and driven people away with her personality

God knows why you want to sacrifice your best years to a nasty old woman

Your parents should pay for their own care or maybe golden balls brother can chip in. Leave them to it.

It's not the OP's wedding, it's her daughters. Isn't it up to the daughter to invite who she wants/can afford?

OP can't invite him, it's her daughter's wedding.

I don't think OP should ruin her relationship with her daughter for the sake of the golden child brother.

I think bride and groom should have had a set amount of guests each though.

Like I say, theres always a risk that someone with dementia is being taken advantage of if they are offering to pay a large sum of money. Thats all i was saying 🤷‍♀️

It didn't really need saying? And it wasn't great to bring it up imo, it would always come over as a dig. You know it.

Your mother has dementia. I don't think you know much about this disease. Your mother's personality has changed and will continue to change, in many many ways, until there's nothing left of her. Or maybe you're in denial? It's tough, and I get that, but your dad is right, she's confused and probably fixated on this issue. Take a break from being her carer. Next time you see her you'll probably notice her deterioration more.

Op, my mum has dementia.

at one point she got obsessed with the idea that a taxi driver was going to rob from her house if she took a taxi from her house

so we walked up the road to the Lidl and got the taxi from there.

people with dementia can get very fixed ideas about things and be very paranoid and suspicious.
it’s not a good idea to invite them to anything in the expectation it will be a lovely day out - it will not.

your mum has clearly got super focused on your brother not being invited to the wedding. Now you can cut her off over this but it is genuinely super normal behaviour for someone with dementia.

if your mum comes to the wedding she will most likely not enjoy it, and in addition there is a high probability she will try to speak to the bride or the groom about the situation. You either need someone there who will manage her and keep her from upsetting people or she doesn’t go.

Leave it to your daughter whether the uncle receives an invitation; you probably shouldn’t have let your mum pay for the dress as soon as she said she no longer wanted to.
Otherwise, you’re not gaining anything by caring for them - let them sort themselves out now - involve their GP/ District Nurse and say that your relationship has broken down and you are no longer taking responsibility.
If you want to work again then do so; this just isn’t working out and can only go further downhill.
I hope the wedding goes well!

Sorry OP. This all sounds really difficult. You’re going to have to accept that this has happened, learn from it and move on. Your mum was telling you quite early on in the day that she wasn’t happy and no longer wanted to pay for the dress. I understand for your daughter’s sake you wanted to push through this but it simply wasn’t possible. Moving on now, don’t accept any further money from her. Even if at the time she is sincere. At worst her dementia could make her think you’ve stolen it at a later date. You’ll have to consider the wedding. If she can’t move past her son not being there, then if she does attend she will need to managed, youll need a plan.
Give it a day or two and talk to your dad. Your mums version will be very different, she may not even remember it all. But is so important not to let your mums declining behaviour come between the two of you. Good luck.

If i wanted to make a dig it would have been far shittier. Anyone with experience of dementia will always be aware that the person offering large sums of money for something needs treating with caution.

I dont think i was particularly harsh, but equally Im not bothered if you think i was 👍

When my toddlers are rude and play up in public then they are told to behave better or go home. The same should have been done to your mother. How much is her personality and how much is the dementia do you think? Just checking as my mum has come out with this type of nonsense for years as she hates my Dad’s family. It’s your daughter’s wedding and your mum has had her wedding 🙄. You mum needs to butt out, after this performance then l wouldn’t be including her in stuff like this. I would also be reviewing be level of care you provide. Your Dad also behaved very poorly and he has no excuse. Especially with the difficult time you’re having at the moment

Irrespective of everything else in your story, your Mum has dementia. That means her brain is stopping working properly. Difficult personality traits often become exaggerated. She has no control over it.
You have to let her 'behaviour' go. It is not her fault. And, yes, I've been there.

On the SAME side too.