AIBU to take space after Mum ruined my daughter’s dress appointment?

[Biggles27]

This is long but I don’t want to drip feed

’m my parents full time carer. I took my pension early rather than go back to work as they needed help. Our household income is considerably smaller than what it could be due to this. I literally gave up my life to help them. I advocate for them, fight for them, I ensure that Dad spends his money on stuff for them to make their lives easier rather than saving it for me and my brother

This weekend I took my Mum who for total transparency does have mild cognitive impairment (early dementia), to visit my daughter, her only Grandchild, to buy her wedding dress

All morning Mum was off and uninterested in everything DD and I tried to engage her inand to make the day as nice as we could for her but she’s just being really weird (I later find out why)

The MOH comes round and tries on bridesmaids dresses and Mum is snippy over that. Anything to do with the wedding she’s snippy over

we go to the bridal shop for the appointment. It’s beautiful. Lovely sofas, prosecco to drink. Private rooms to try the dresses

mum stops snapping what’s the point as my brother will never see it so why should she have to pay for the dress if he can’t go

for transparency, my husbands family is big and the groom has quite a few aunts & uncles. The decision was made that either all aunts/uncles were invited or none. My parents have kicked off this and are on a mission to get my brother invited. They say he’s different as he’s the only one from our family not invited. It’s not his fault my husband has so many siblings. The groom also has a lot of Aunt's/Uncles but apparently they are not important like their son🤷

i specifically asked my parents not to talk to my daughter about this for good reasons which i wont discuss on here but its dd& partners wedding, who they invite is up to them, no one else. I said we respect their decisions but parents just were relentless over getting my brother invited Dad tells DD my brother is upset. I tell Dad I’m cross as DD was only up for a welfare visit as her Uncle had been killed (manslaughter - total stranger killed him for no reason) and her childhood dog had to suddenly pts the same day. We were all and still are reeling from the shock of it all and are in the thick of police investigations But Dad chooses then to tell her how upset his son is when DD is in deep shock and grief

Anyway all through the appt Mums bitching she doesn’t want to pay for the dress as my brothers not going. DD is dressed up in veil standing in a platform, holding a bouquet having chosen her dress and my Mun was totally disinterested and saying to me what’s the point of me being here as my only son won’t see it

ruins the whole appointment and vibe. We pay for the dress and leave. We can’t walk away and come back another time without her as it’s already a rush order to get it here on time

so we go out for dinner and everytime we discuss the wedding she picks up her phone and starts scrolling making it obvious she’s not interested

she makes quite a few snide comments about my brother not being invited

the next day she’s snippy and off still bitching about paying for the dress and my brother not being invited. She said none of this in DD ear shot so I’m just not arguing with her, I’m just ignoring her and changing the subject

DH comes to pick us up and we do the 4 hour journey home. Mum says nothing about DH family but in front of DH rants about why ‘that cow’ is invited DD oldest friend who Mum hates. She’s not met her for 20 years but has a total vendetta against her due to something she did when she was 5. Mum reiterates she does not want to pay for the dress if her son isn’t going

im awake at 3am cross about how she’s reacted. for good reason DH tells me before the dress appointment Mum waits for me to disappear and lays into DD about my brother not being invited and insists DD phones him up and explains to him why. She runs her mouth off about DD father’s side of the family and is vile about them. The previous weekend she attacks my best friends wife to get us to invite her son to the wedding. They were only up as my bil had been killed and they’d come to support us

I apply and get a loan to repay her for the dress so I transfer it and message DD to say I’ve repaid Mum for the dress and I’m taking a few days break from them. No more, no accusations, no attacks, literally I need a break as I needed to calm down so decide to step away for a few days and consider how I want to deal with this whilst being in grief for my bil and my dog (he was our baby)

Out of nowhere dad goes nuts and says I’ve attacked a confused old lady who doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. He tells DH he knows what it’s about and it was just a small mistake. He’s not spoken to me about it, he’s not spoken to DH or DD about it. He’s heard her side and decided I’m out of order

Dad texted me to accuse me of causing permanent harm to the family I just wrote back and said they were doing that not me and not to blame me

Hes now decided I’ve broken up the family and has cut me off. I literally asked for some space and sent the money back to Mum

aibu you should apologise and eat humble pie for the sake of the family

yanbu he should find out what actually happened over the weekend and let me have a few days break so I don’t fall out with them

This. The golden child brothers invite is neither here nor there, as the bride and groom decide on invites and not random other family members. It’s interesting that his sister is doing the care for their parents but l suppose golden child is too busy with his Big Important Man Job

I think some of the replies on here are really harsh.

You've said your mum offered to pay for the dress a while ago and transferred the money ahead of the appointment, you haven't manipulated her into paying. You've also paid her back promptly when she changed her mind. I understand she's upset that her son isn't invited and her illness may be making that worse, but it's up to your DD (and her partner) who is invited and in a big family, no aunts or uncles sounds like a reasonably simple way to cut down the list.

I'm sorry that the day was so difficult, you're not unreasonable to want some space to clear your head and I hope you can all move forward with understanding.

It was a wedding dress. Not a four bed semi.

Bothered enough to reply each time?!

The husband would've stepped in if he thought that was the case. I daresay they share an account anyway. It's these variables that should be taken into account, before then having a pop. You were not giving a public service announcement on dementia, please don't try and kid.

Your poor mum...her dementia is affecting her more than you think. That is exactly how my mother behaved just as it started to escalate. A very vulnerable woman

No mention of what your brother thinks about this
Does he even want to go to the wedding.
Also curious about how much he helps with your parents.

Agree. She’s better off taking a big step back from all of this. I’m wondering how her dad can cut her off if she’s providing his care to be honest. If OP is their carer at present it’s a simple matter of her asking social services for a formal care assessment for her parents because she’s no longer willing to provide their care.

Tell me how OP was supposed to stop her mother going along on the day when she was paying for the dress, had sent the money some time ago, and wanted to go ?

Honestly dude, even I'll admit you're giving my comment way more headspace than it deserves.

Exactly this. If OP is their current carer she needs to make a phone call to the LA to request a care assessment for her parents and make it clear to both her parents and the LA that she will no longer provide care. I’m questioning how her dad can cut OP off if she’s providing care for them both.

I would push your father to articulate what his issue is. You repaid the dress money after your mum made it clear she no longer wanted to pay. What issue does your father have with that?
You asked for a few days space. Are you not allowed to have a break? In what way are you ‘breaking up the family’? This is unhinged.
I agree with many others, I would return to work and let them get in carers. They do not appreciate what they have and I suspect if you did, your relationship would improve.

Why cant you invite your brother?

And another reply - so is that a case of 'right back atchya?' Lol.

It’s her daughters wedding, not hers

There is A LOT going on here.

Your brother not being invited because her husband's aunts & uncles aren't being invited. But also one of her other uncles (your husband's brother?) was sadly and suddenly killed by a stranger.

How are your husband's family doing? Such an awful and shocking thing to happen.

I understand that numbers are a huge issue at weddings. I had all my aunts & uncles at mine because even though we don't live close by we all get along and love to see each other and my DH and our children had met and knew all of them. My DH is one of many many siblings and many many niblings as they're older so the numbers evened out that way. My MIL still kicked off saying she'd not come if her brother Pete (made up name) was invited. Uncle Pete and Aunt Sue were invited. They lived in the same town as us and I'd never even heard of them until this blew up let alone met them! I didn't even know she had a brother! I've never seen them since either! We weren't invited to their kids' weddings. We'd already invited my MIL's besties because she's single. None of my parents' mates came.

People get absolutely bloody maaaaad about who's invited to weddings. Did you see the post from the woman fuming about her sister eloping?! Not to some rando but to her long term partner and father of their children. They're full grown ups, of course they can have a wedding with just them. Bloody hell.

It's ultimately got to be the decision of the couple who are getting married.

The dementia and your mother's character and behaviour are another element. My grandma lived with my parents before her diagnosis and for a good few years after it. She could be incredibly grumpy and rude and unpleasant because her filter had gone and she was easily scared and confused. It's very hard to care for a family member when their character changes and when their behaviour and language is upsetting. My mum's career has been in geriatric care and supporting adults with dementia so she had all this training and experience but it was still hard.

I think it was the right choice for you to take a bit of a step back for the air to clear but I'm disappointed that your dad seems to have added fuel to the fire and stirred things up when he could've been a helpful peace keeper.

I hope that you and your daughter (and the MOH?) can have another visit to the wedding dress shop for fittings etc without your mum with you. So you can enjoy that experience.

How does your golden child brother feel about it all? Is he even that bothered? Would it help if he spoke to your parents to explain that he completely understands why no aunts and uncles are invited?

So your brother is the golden child but does not help at all. You are the lesser child but the one who gave up her job to help your ungrateful mum. No. Go back to work. Stop helping, or do the absolute minimum. As you yourself pointed out, your parents' funds should be used for their own care. They should now do that. You can barely afford to help your own daughter with her wedding, while your mum uses her financial power over the situation (stemming from you having retired early and your now lower income) to ruin her wedding dress shopping experience. That's so sad. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep your unpleasant mum warm.

Couples can be a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place though.

I have 10 aunts/uncles and over 20 cousins. DH has 1 of each.
We actually got married with only our parents in a registry office, very small and no fuss, so it wasn’t an issue.
But if we’d had a more traditional wedding I’m not sure what we’d have done. Our budget probably wouldn’t have stretched to an additional 30+ members of my family, but we couldn’t really have invited none of mine while inviting DH’s 2 wider family members. So we’d probably have had to go for no aunts/uncles/cousins.

Well at the first disgruntled mention of "shouldn't be buying a wedding dress if the uncle can't come" should have been the point you decided that she wasn't going to be paying for it. Yes, your dad should be made aware of the facts but they sound like the sort of couple that stick to their guns and back each other up, even if it is for (his) quiet life. Now go and get your job back.

I would cut her off permanently, she sounds vicious.

My Mother has dementia and we’ve been living with it for 18 years, it’s a long old sad slog!
What you’re describing reminds me of the very early days. My Mother was early on set in her 60’s, so really caught us all by surprise. I was only 24 when she was diagnosed.

The aggressive obsession is so familiar to me, it was a very distressing time. I’m sorry that you’re in this phase.
You’re doing all the right things, like taking a break.
The new reality is that you can no longer reason or argue with your parents unfortunately, deflection and management are the skills you must nurture. I think taking your Mum to any similar important events will not run smoothly from here, no more outside of her comfort zone. This will minimise her spiralling.

Maybe join a support group and have a serious sit down conversation with your brother, he needs to start contributing to their care so you get time off.

Good Luck x

My heart aches for you OP. It is relentless and exhausting being a full time carer, let alone a carer for a parent who hasn't always been the parent you wanted them to be. I looked after my father when he was terminally ill and it took me a long time to both physically and emotionally recover from.

You sound like someone very close to burn out and you need to take a step back for your own health and sanity. What you need to do is get social services on board, get support in for your parents and go back to being their daughter on YOUR terms and not theirs. It's not easy but it's doable.

The hardest lesson I've ever learned is that you can only give you what you can financially and emotionally afford

Given that no Uncle and Aunt have been invited and the uncle in question has always been golden boy who leave his parents care to OP I'm not surprised he's has not been invited to the DD wedding - we often dislike family members being treated poorly even when they seem to accept it.

I'm unclear if it's the dementia or a long standing diffcult person used to throwing their weight round that is going on.

I think returning the money - while probably for the best - will likely have hurt them.

I think I'd give it a few weeks - and as PP says think about returning to work and cutting back on the caring you do and getting the care on a more formal footing.

I think there's fairly good justification for the brother to be invited in order to keep an eye on his parents. I can't imagine anyone would object to that.

She sounds like my late mother. I found after years of her nastiness that the best approach was to ignore her horrible comments and withdraw when she was particularly bad. I believe she wanted to upset me and starving her of a reaction was the most powerful strategy. Good luck OP, I hope you manage to find some balance or are able to get back to work. Threatening to go to work might be enough to make your father see sense.

The dress is really not the issue, it's about control.

I agree.