to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

YANBU

If you don't want to be blunt and tell them you don't want to go every weekend, just say that you will be expected to join events, dinners, social stuff around work so visiting each weekend won't be possible.

You're not being ungrateful but it sounds as if there might be a strong cultural expectation that you will go home whenever you can? Is there anyone who understands the culture well who could advise you how to approach this with your parents?

Good luck with the job.

I think you are jumping too far ahead. If/when you know you have the job, just say “of course I will come and visit you some weekends, but let’s see how it pans out”.

Absolutely don’t go home the first weekend so you don’t set a precedent. Say you have loads to do sorting out your new home.

Once you’re not living with them it should be easy to say you are playing tennis/whatever most Saturdays but you will visit them plenty.

If they are disappointed, that’s OK. They will adjust. You can’t just live your life for them.

Your parents are being unreasonable.

Yes it’s nice they’ve helped you out but tbh that’s what any parent should be doing in today’s society. Getting jobs and affording rent is tougher than 20 years ago. As PP said there is likely a culture thing here as well.

Go for the interview and see what happens next. Either be blunt with them or try and avoid the conversation until you move and then give them excuses ‘i can’t make it this weekend as bus not running properly’ ‘i can’t make it this weekend as i have xyz plans here’

So, a good point to bring up! But actually, a bit of a complicated one to answer. My mum and dad are both Iraqi, but they raised me and my siblings in the UK from when I was 2 til I was 15. Something they would say to us quite often growing up in England was 'you're not English', which was confusing for a kid who knew nothing about Iraq and had only ever known life in England! It does seem to be a cultural expectation- I see Arab friends of mine do this working in Dubai with family in AD do this... but every weekend is more than usual, I think. Every weekend is extreme, I think (not 100% sure). I would love any Mumsnetter s from similar backgrounds to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

(Also, oh my God, Mumsnet is QUICK. I didn't expect a reaction this fast!)

You have your life to lead, and that includes not going home every weekend. That’s a good idea not going home the first weekend ( or three), as that dies set a precedent, as suggested.

Could you arrange to FaceTime once a week, instead?

You lived away whilst studying, so it’s not as if it’s the first time you flown the nest. She coped then, she’ll cope again.

it may be difficult for them, initially- but they chose to raise you in the West, I would be super proud of you, if you were my daughter. Good luck ❤

Thank you!

You're probably right about me getting ahead of myself. It's only because I have been offered this job previously already after completing the intership and the interview is with the same manager that previously offered me the job so I feel I have a good chance- but obviously, things could be different now, they could choose to go with another candidate or an intern they've seen recently. To be honest, my nerves about my parents expecting (borderline demanding) me to come home every weekend is stressing me so much, I'm beginning to hope I don't get it, even though its a great opportunity for me to reach my career goal (qualifying as a solicitor). It's a real weight on me, I feel like I'm really going to upset them

i Agree with pp set expectations from the start. Don't visit the first couple of weekends. You'll be busy settling in anyway! Fingers crossed for your interview 🤞

Actually- I was kind of thinking to go the other route and go home every weekend and then gradually stop? Ease them into the idea of me not coming home every weekend? Slightly softer approach? Then I was wondering whether to be blunt and tell them I don't want to or give a series of excuses... it's all so exhausting and stressful. I wish they were able to just let me live my own life.

I think if you want to live an independent life like an adult then you need to move out of the house regardless of whether you get this job or not. It’s difficult to pick and choose the parts of the culture that suit you to those that don’t I.e you live at home and don’t contribute financially, your parents help you find a job, you basically rely on the benefits of your culture but then don’t reciprocate the parts that are expected of you. Nothing wrong with wanting to be independent but you either live like an independent adult or you don’t. You are giving your parents very mixed signals. Your mother is probably expecting what is the standard in your culture so from her point of view her expectations are not unreasonable. Move out, set up your own life and then be the one that chooses how you spend your time, your money and your life. Stay home, rely on them and then be treated as less of a fully fledged grown up.

This is so kind of you, thank you ❤

Name change for this.

I am also a British Iraqi and am also a lawyer, but in the City.

I fully understand the cultural dilemma - I grew up with it too . Our parents are great at guilt tripping us into doing what they want. And they do that at getting upset and dramatic when they don’t get their way. It’s just how they do things.

Unless you do exactly what they want, they will get upset and put on the drama. I used to be careful about upsetting but as I’ve gotten older become more confident in saying no. So my advice, go and smash this interview, and if you get it, just say yeah sure, and deal with it when you’re there by then putting off the trips with excuses, until slowly it becomes the norm that you don’t come home every weekend.

MN won’t quite understand the cultural expectations from living rent free and not paying a penny to how you feel identity wise, as well as the pressure we get from parents, so whilst posters will be very right about your mum being unreasonable, it’s you dealing with that and how you respond to the current situation that will be harder.

@daughterindilemmamy husband is Iraqi. He definitely visits his parents more than most English adult children would but it isn’t every weekend and he moved out when he started working. He has a busy job and his parents respect that. If he hasn’t been able to get over for a few weekends though he will say “I should go see them”. I think could you have a standing date with your mum, just to start? Like she comes for brunch every other Saturday? There may be some separation anxiety on her side too as much as cultural expectations. Do you have other siblings at home or will this be an empty nest for them? In any case you need to put down roots where you are and you can’t do that socially when you’re away every weekend. I agree getting a bus from Abu Dhabi is mad even if it’s not every weekend, it’s bad enough driving. If they’ve got a car and you’re busy working I really don’t think that’s unreasonable. Good luck with the new job xx

Fair point, I'm grateful for this perspective. (Would like to say I haven't been financially able to move out, my salary at this current job is far too for that lol)

You mention that you have siblings. Where do they work/live and are they expected to return home every weekend?

I do think that your parents are unreasonable and that going home regularly but not every weekend should be sufficient.

Sorry about the long post!! I really do apologise. It would be a very difficult conversation to have but maybe if it came to it I'd need to just bite the bullet and have it.

2/3 are in the UK, the other one studies abroad. I'm the only one living in the UAE with my parents

You could have just strolled on by instead of being so rude. And context does matter here to navigate the cultural expectations the OP has.

OP - the suggestion that there may be work events or networking was a good one. I would expect the separating from your family home to take a while but can be done sensitively. Good luck for your interview.

Thank you for this perspective, it's really nice to hear from someone who gets the cultural perspective... I think I'll just have to be a little stronger. But I know the hurt and confusion will be real for them, it won't be put on, and that's the worst part

I absolutely agree with you with the idea of starting soft and allowing visits to taper off a bit. That way you have time to build their confidence that you’re well and happy, making friends and living a good life. And there is no need for a big confrontation as you lay down your new rules which go against their expectations. They’ll get used to you being there and as another poster suggested - get them over for brunch sometimes!

Hope you get the job!

I get the cultural differences may make it difficult for me to understand so I’ll just say what we are doing with our dd and bearing in mind, she’s only 18.

Dd has just moved to university. I’m saying we need to see her once a month. Not because we are being controlling, which for British standards might be, but because she isn’t well, so we need to ensure she is ok.

Would you consider once a month a compromise for you?

You’ll be tired, having business meetings, potentially business trips, working late, maybe a social events after work you’ll be expected to attend, etc etc. So plenty of excuses as to why you can’t make it.

You will get there, OP. Good luck with your interview, this will hopefully be the job that allows you to do it. I do get the cultural aspect (I’m not from the West although I’ve lived in the UK for 20+ years). You also don’t need to have this big life changing conversation with them at this stage yet, do things your own way gradually. You also may find that you enjoy going home from time to time and actually staying close to your parents…the cultural ties really are strong and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Not every life concept in the west is “better”. Good luck to you x