to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

In British culture going home wouldn’t be expected but in your culture it’s very different. If you want to avoid conflict, go home every weekend for the first few weeks. Then start to skip weekends here and there because you have an “event you absolutely must attend”. Increase the frequency of events slowly until you reach a balance you are happy with. I’m sure they will adjust in time.

You say you are a lawyer. Then you invoke a concept of culture in your post. Surely as a lawyer you see you can't pick and choose which parts of the contract (your culture) apply and which don't - surely as a lawyer you understand the concept of 'selective performance'? You can't run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.

OP, the main thing is to get the job and move to Dubai. Then you can tackle the rest afterwards.

Whether it's slowly tapering off visits or setting the expectation that you will visit when it suits you (e.g. once a month), it will also come to you gradually.

Don't lose sight of the initial goal - securing the job and accommodation.

Why are you holding OP to a higher standard because of her culture? Of course she can choose which parts of culture apply.

And she is 23, not 43, she's not an experienced lawyer yet.

if you read OP's posts, this was already her suggested approach.

Don’t be daft. That’s a crap analogy. The OP was born into her culture, she didn’t enter into a contract.

No I would start by saying ‘Well I can’t come back on Fridays as the whole team has after work social events which I’ll be expected to attend’.

Getting settled in a new apartment will also take up a few weekends and tell them you have to wait in for the internet guy, then a furniture delivery.

I would definitely wait a few weeks before going back initially. Tell them how busy you are, how much there is to sort, how much out of hours networking there is in this new role and how unreliable the buses are. A few white lies wouldn’t hurt.

Ask them over for lunch one Saturday in Dubai - let them come to you.

I do take your point about picking and choosing. In my defense, people choose to enter into contracts- I was simply born into this cultural background, having had no say in the matter... I struggle with a lot of elements of my cultural background so yes, I admit there probably is some picking and choosing. I also want to note that if you mean the part of my culture in which I live rent free, I don't make enough to move out and my parents wouldn't accept the money if I did offer it to them.

I'm thinking this may be the best approach, if I tell them bluntly right at the start I won't come every week they will be very upset. And yes, I'll concentrate on getting the job! Thanks all for the comments it's been very helpful

Tell them you have to work....

Honestly .. I think a little white lie that you need to be 'on call" a lot of weekends as the new person in the office might help here. Parents understand that work comes first ..

What bullshit. Of course you can. You seem to be of the mindset that people who move to a different country must fully adopt their new culture and disregard their heritage, or vice versa. People complain about lack of integration all the time yet there’s people like you who are criticising OP for wanting it.

Second generation immigrants like us have it tough with parents who grew up with one culture and expect it to continue, whilst we grow up in a different culture. It really isn’t easy but it’s so very possible to adopt the best from both. It’s a learning curve for both us and our parents and probably most difficult during teens and early 20s. OP’s parents need to digest that their children are not going to be living the lives they expected, whilst OP no doubt wants to manage that in a way that does as little hurt as possible. She doesn’t need posters like you criticising her for it.

Good luck OP, just ease them into it, first weekend you are still unpacking, second weekend you have some work things, third weekend go see them. The reality is you will actually have stuff come up that you want to do. Make sure you call/whatsapp send pics everyday initially otherwise they’ll just panic immediately.

It’s easy to say face it head on but the reality is they need to get used to the idea first and you want as little drama and friction as possible. So just gently pull back over time.

Funny what you said about 'taking from both cultures'- my parents used to advise us to 'take the best from both cultures' themselves! For me the main thing is I truly don't want to hurt my parents, I love them dearly and we have a good relationship, but I can't live my own life coming home every weekend. To be honest, even if I don't get the job, talking about all this has been super helpful in helping me figure out cultural issues with my parents and how to handle them. Thank you all very much :)

I understand completely OP, I'm Asian but born and bred in the UK.

I've had this type of dilemma a couple of times, and my method has been to slowly change things and just not give them a choice.

First was when doing an undergrad placement during my degree, in a place which was around 4 hours drive from home, my dad bought me my first car to enable me to drive home every weekend and initially I did go home most weekends but obviously things would come up that I wanted to stay for, so I would just say "Oh I can't come this weekend actually as need to do XYZ), and they just had to accept that it wasn't going to be every weekend in the end, I probably went home around 1 in 3, but it was only for a year so I didn't need to change it more than that, and I really enjoyed the weekends I did spend at home.

Second when I was in a graduate job and did the ~1 hour commute for a while whilst living at home, and eventually bought a flat close to work 'for the investment', got some flatmates in, then started staying there once or twice a week to save on the commute and gradually increased how much I was staying there. And my parents just had to accept it, they didn't like it really but had no choice, it just became an unspoken thing.

Good luck. Go get the job :)

Which is the British parent, and which the Iraqi? I suspect that appealing to your British parent would be more successful.

they're both Iraqi, when I said I was Iraqi-British I meant Iraqi by blood but raised in the UK

Agreed.

that's what I would do - much less contentious

Op I wouldn’t even bother pressuring yourself into going the first weekend.

The first weekend after you move will likely need to be taken up by things like unpacking properly, doing a shop, and lots of admin like dealing wih new bills etc and changing your address. Say you are too busy and that’s that.

I am also a British Iraqi living in the UK but a little bit older 31. Both parents are Iraqi but I was born and bred in the UK. I think a lot of it is down to the culture. Iraqi mums often give up their identity and their life becomes their children. In addition to the cultural expectation part of this holding on so tightly may be a fear on your mums part. Fear or so many different things. A loss of identity a change in the status quo, if your the youngest and lost child local empty nest syndrome will be magnified.

I just want you to know your seen and no alone. Especially in a culture where your friends and those around you are different and don’t understand your struggles. They don’t understand how just do what you want isn’t really a thing in our culture and household. I also want you to know that there is nothing wrong with being as close to your mum / family as we do it and in time and age those close bonds will be appreciate it. I would go back and tell my 20year old self that but it’s so hard when your craving independence and want to forge your own identity.

I’m trying to think of the advice I would give you if you were my younger sister. I would say do everything you want but tread lightly and forge the path slowly. Don’t overthink things so early I know easier said than done but face each weekend / problem at a time. Say yes but do what you like, but also find a compromise. Maybe try and see your mum out, go for coffee shopping find time to have quality 1:1 time. That will ease her fears whilst still allowing you the freedoms you crave. Keep going round but gradually wean it down. Go down to fortnightly, then monthly or whatever suits you. Once you’ve moved out you can’t be forced back.

You need to give your self time to miss them and want to go back. That will naturally happen later on. Right now you don’t feel like you miss them and are desperate to get out and seek independence. That’s ok! Being close and calling / visiting regularly is ok!

Newly married and just moved out I still call my mum daily. Sometime I miss her and it’s more than once a day. Sometimes life’s a bit busy and it’s every other day but what I do know is I won’t let anyone make me feel like that’s enmeshed. Neither is wrong and go with what makes your heart happy!

Hi @daughterindilemma I understand the set up..

But why oh why .... are you even bothering to pre negotiate this with them.
What about saying...

1. Well let me get the job first.
2. Friends xyz work in Dubai and often visit their parents, so why are you worried?
3. Of course I will visit... but lets cross that bridge when we come to it.

Instead you are already putting it in their minds that you won't be back at all often... so they are making a fuss.. and a big argument is bubbling under... because you've got them worried about nothing - when it need'nt be an issue at all.

You may well find yourself a bit homesick when you first get there. I would adopt a practice of consciously visiting at least two weekends the first month and graduallly tailing off to a fequency you can live with, without discussion. Get some lifts home with your friends who already do this.

Just put a stop to all the hoo ha now by saying the first three things to them.
Once you've found your feet, you may find it restrictive to visit al the time... But this is a bit like UK students leaving home for uni... the parents can't imagine what life will be like. It takes about a month to get used to it.. But there's email, facetime, zoom etc. which makes a huge difference. But also, you don't have to give your parents every single detail of what you do every day. Give it time, but sooth their worries atm... especially as you still have the interview. Don't let this stress you so much, prepare for the interview instead!!! Best of luck.

A lot of children brought up in multiple cultures in international places like Dubai do exactly this. They are sent to live or be educated in the West, return home and things have changed. The OP isn't being strange by seeing the tensions, or asking for help in how to navigate them.

I notice, OP, that 3 of your siblings if I've got that right live abroad. That's another way second-gen mixed-culture kids grow up and navigate these tensions, by moving away from their parents fairly permanently.

softer approach nope. Start as you mean to go on. Its not the same but when we got married, both families were expecting us to be with them EVERY CHRISTMAS. We said from the start that we would see both sides at some point over Christmas and New Year but because we had spent so many christmases working we wanted to spend christmas together in our own home (no kids) well it was a bit awkward at first but it soon became "what we do" Be ready for the sighs/tears/"how can you upset your mother/father like this" but don't back down!

How very convenient! Bravo! Typical.