to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

First of all, best of luck with the interview.

If you get the role would also go with the softly approach, given the circumstances. They will be unsettled by the big change and naturally worried about you. I would obviously call regularly and keep in contact, offering reassurance.

It might be that a few weeks in you have to travel for work on a Friday evening or Sunday night so can’t go home, or perhaps there is an important deal on which means you have to pick up work over the weekend. Then perhaps an essential appointment in the city such as a driving test etc, a slow easing off from visits with reasons they would understand and respect. If a neighbour asks them how you are the narrative isn’t ’she hasn’t come home this weekend’, instead they can say ‘she’s doing so well in her new job and is busy with a very important deal and has to work extra hours’ etc.

Best of luck. They sound like nice people who just want the best for you, they will probably just take some time to adjust to the change as you will do too.

Ignore the issue of your parents right now and focus on getting the job. Even if worst case you get the job and do end up going back every weekend, presumably that would still be better than your current situation because you'd be getting closer to your career goal. So, if the worst case in getting the job is better than now, don't waste your mental energy worrying about it just yet.

If you get the job then nod and smile at your parents. Then once you're there find reasons not to come back in practice. Like volunteering to work on the weekends when the team is busy (will help you get ahead anyway). You're not well. Or you've joined whatever group or activity they'd really approve of.

My friend comes from a very similar culture and has always found it easier not to argue with her parents in advance, but to go along with it and then slowly do her own thing afterwards with excuses they can't really argue with.

It’s not unreasonable to feel how you do

id get the job first, move away

then see how you can actually get home, what time is the bus home? Are they regular? Can your father come to collect you?

make it difficult to get home but silence on wanting to stay in Dubai

Unnecessarily crappy response to a young woman asking a question on here for the first time.

She is also asking how best to broach this with her parents, so in this case the background is absolutely relevant. Cultural norms vary significantly in terms of what’s expected when it comes to family relationships.

Yes, vital networking for your successful career

I wouldn't make a hard point of saying you won't be going back every weekend intially, just gently make it the norm

Stick to your guns if it upsets them they will get over it. Your culture has moved on and women do not need to be tied to their home or parents. You are entitled to be a free young independent woman and tell them times have changed and you do not and will not live like women did years ago.

Any need for the ignorance.

There is need for the detail .

Pick your battles. Don’t move there and say you aren’t going back-or if your mum asks you say that of course you want to and you’ll try your best.

Move and if after your first week in the job you are too tired to travel tell them this and you’ll see them next week. See them the next weekend, but if the next week you are to tired on the Friday to travel you’ll try your best the next week.

Wean them off. Call every day initially, but if you have weekend plans don’t tell them. You don’t come home for reasons that a mother cares about- you’re working hard, or don’t feel well- not you are choosing to go to the gym or brunch rather than see them.

I don’t think we will be much use here Op. The majority of MN users are of British culture and we would just tell our mothers to stop being ridiculous and then crack on with independent life.

Absolutely NOT. Once you start you will never stop. You will be stuck and back on here asking how to find the courage to tell them .
Fo as advised and start as you mean to go on.

I don't see this as a particularly cultural issue, it's an overbearing parent issue. I know enough white British families with the same sort of attitude (my DH's parents included, who nearly wrecked our marriage with their demands) to know it's common enough, and there are often threads on MN complaining about overbearing/demanding parents. OP is one of 4 siblings and none of the others even live in the same country as their parents, which indicates that it's more of a case of holding on to the last fledgling in the nest.

OP try not to build the situation up into something monumental in your head. I know it's hard - my husband lived with the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) until both of his parents were dead. FIL would shout and MIL would cry, to keep him under their control.

If and when you get the job your parents will pressure you no doubt, but they will adjust to the new norm, believe me. They will have no choice as you build your life in Dubai, just as your siblings have built theirs.

Try not to stress too much, and don't debate it with them before it's even happened. Once you've moved, keep it light - them: "So, you'll be coming home this weekend?" You "Oh, there's no chance this weekend - so much going on here! Anyway let's see how things go and hopefully I'll pop home to see you soon." Do not apologise, do not go into elaborate descriptions as to the reasons why.

This is a transition phase - they will adjust and they will understand. Good luck OP.

Good luck with the job Op.

We never charged our kids rent or for food or bills-I don't think it's a given that us Brits do.

We don't expect weekly visits in return for that though!

Even if weekly visits were going to happen I wouldn't expect the whole weekend to be given up.

I agree with the soft approach but with some boundaries from the start. I would go home the first weekend but on Saturday morning not Friday night.After all you will have had a tiring first week at work and it's better to travel fresh in the morning, or you can use the excuse of needing to build relationships with your team on the Friday evening.
Then take it week by week. It's easy for those with a western perspective to say just tell your parents you're not doing it but you have a cultural need to balance respect for your parents wishes while gradually building your own life.
It may be that the second weekend, you are staying at your new home because you haven't had chance to get organised or unpack properly but you'll be there next weekend, or you may need to go back every weekend for the first month and then have something you need to stay home for.
It will take effort and compromise on your part but if you take it slowly while you work out what pattern of visiting is best for you, you'll get there without alienating your parents.
Good luck for the interview!

If you get the job

It’s a new job
As far as your parents are concerned you need to do extra hours, work overtime (which all might be true) to impress.

See how it goes if you get the job

An hour isn’t that far, that is a drive across London. Would they be open to you staying for the weekend once every few weeks and just come for the day another every few weeks? Then again, I know driving/travel time can be perceived differently in dofferent places too.

Lots of people commute daily from AD to Dubai and there is now a direct train service taking an hour each way. When you mention you want to be independent, if you take this job will you pay your own rent etc.?

I do know the road from AD to Dubai used to be a bit of a nightmare, not sure if it has been upgraded now.

A good way to approach this Op is through the idea of 'assertiveness'.

Being assertive means being absolutely clear about what we want/ what we are going to do - and accepting this means others may not like it. It does not mean being rude or unkind - but it does involve accepting that others won't like how we choose to behave.

The problem here is you want a way to do what you want - and what you have every right to do - but you don't want your parents to be unhappy with your decision.

Can you think this through? so that you accept they will be unhappy with your decision but you are comfortable that how you are behaving is acceptable?

Nobody here can change the fact that your parents wishes are clashiing with yours

I do not think it's a good idea to start by going home as they wish - you are absolutely entitled to set a boundary - start your new life in the way you want to

but youre parents won't like it! so that is the way you need to approach this.

yes of course! I will be financially independent which is something I am looking forward to, I want to be mature and responsible for myself. Currently I am not because my salary is far too low for rent. It's not something I'm proud of, I'm eager to change it.

It's ok to upset your parents - we can't get through life without people sometimes feeling upset by our choices.

It doesn't mean you have to change your choice because they feel upset.

Remember they too have a choice & they could just as easily choose not to be upset.

Think of it as as the next chapter in your relationship with your parents. Where you discuss things. You may have to break the cycle of not doing that.

This - lie. Find excuses that they'll find culturally acceptable and play on their values. Work is really busy and you have to work this weekend...and the next weekend. You have a networking dinner. Your friend is getting engaged/married.

Perhaps get your boss on board in case they'd call him... And don't use anything they can verify like buses not running or conferences.

Do learn to drive though, unless you'll earn enough to get taxis everywhere.

Good luck at interview. I am sure you will be able to find a way to successfully manage the family dynamics.

I have no cultural insight for you but in this position I think I would think long-term. Get the job. Have a quiet plan to come back for the first three months or so, so things settle down and your parents get used to you having a bit of independence. Then start coming back Saturday morning and leaving early Sunday. Have a one-year plan to create your independence rather than creating a huge row just when you want to be focusing on getting your feet under the table in your new job.

I'm not from the same background, but was the eldest in a large family who did move away from home after university. My parents had a similar expectation and I wasn't up for an "honest" confrontation. So I'd echo the advice of those who are suggesting that you accept the job and agree with your parents that of course you're not abandoning them and will be coming home regularly. And indeed, at the start you may even want to return home. But as your life grows there and your friendships cement, you will have all sorts of reasons why going home on a particular weekend isn't going to work. And as other PP have said, your parents will also get used to that level of engagement with you. After all, they want to see you succeeding in life. They'll be happy for you. Do bring a friend or two home with you occasionally so that they see who you are mixing with. And invite them to come visit with you too on a weekend every so often. Good luck!