to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

FFS of course lawyers (or anyone else) can choose which parts of their culture they espouse and which they don't......or are you the OP's parent?

Do they want you to come home because they like having you at home or because they think you will be up to no good during the weekends in Dubai?

Could you compromise, at least initially, say it's too tiring to do the journey on a Friday night and come home on the Saturday night and when they get used to that and it becomes acceptable see if they might be comfortable with you staying there all weekend sometimes. It sounds like you really don't want to upset your parents.

Why dont ypu give it a couple of months and then say you are gettingbo on very well in the job but you are expected to socialise sometimes and that it is good for your career.

Definitely think this is cultural. My daughter is a little further away at uni and she comes home when she wants to. Generally, thats not at all during term time, but does come home for holidays and reading week. Partly that’s because she says she’d want to come home more but for the last year, she’s had a Saturday job. Totally up to her when she does. You need to set boundaries with your parents.

Part of getting older is learning how to set boundaries for ourselves. Often that means saying no to people who overstep.

I wouldn’t bring it up until you move out. But when the time comes “no, I won’t be coming this weekend.” And “Maybe one or two weekends a month” are perfectly fine things to say. If challenged - “I’m trying to build a life in my new home so I won’t be coming very weekend, sorry”. And “I’m sorry you feel that way but it doesn’t change anything”.

Don’t get stuck in a loop of justifying it. You have every right to want what you want.

My in laws are all Iraqi (Jewish Iraqi, but not sure their religion makes a difference when it comes to this particular issue!). They REALLY struggled when my husband (first generation born in the UK) left the city they'd lived in for 35 years to move elsewhere for a job. They wanted him to drive 4 hours each way every weekend. They really struggled! He just said no and then came back home whenever it worked out timing-wise. It was hard! They all grew up with generational living, and all of a sudden one of their children wanted to not only move out, but move to a completely different city?! They eventually accepted it though. They had no choice!

...Then his cousin moved abroad 20 years later with his family and the guilt-tripping from all directions started all over again 🙃

I hope the interview goes well and that the eventual move goes smoothly too. Your parents will have to come to terms with your decision. And they will!

This comes off as a little rude, but maybe it’s just me misreading your tone. This ‘picking and choosing’ is very common for kids brought up straddling two cultures-even my own parents told me and my siblings to ‘pick the best from each culture’ when talking about us growing up within British and Iraqi cultures.

I think it’s genuinely that they like having me at home! Which is sweet but stifling haha

OP, that poster has some very strange views, don't let them get to you.

You are enriched by your culture, treasure it.

"See if they might be comfortable???" How old does she get to be before she can start adulting?

this

Leeching off your parents without respecting their wish to see you at week-ends is rude.

Not charging your adult child to try to guilt them into visiting when you want them to would be a horribly manipulative thing to do.

Good luck in the interview! Go smash it. Then accept it!
After that I think you’ve got had a good idea of easing your parents into you not being with them every weekend. Maybe after a week or two leave on Sunday morning, followed by a few weeks of maybe just staying Friday night or just Saturday night and then miss a weekend and start to alternate etc.
It’s very easy for those that aren’t in your family situation to say just leave, be independent but being from a similar background to you I know it’s not that simple and actually you don’t want to upset them or distance yourself completely. You just need a bit of space.

I don't see why anything has to be agreed now. Go, do your thing, promise you'll visit as often as possible, and then visit them once a month because they are your parents and they love you and they will appreciate seeing you. You'll have ample time to do your own thing, and can touch base at home at regular intervals. It'll be tough at first, but once the routine is set, it'll be easier to navigate

Go build and live the life you want for you, no-one else. Maybe visit every 2nd or 3rd weekend after you have settled but they need to understand you have a life outside of the family. But also make it clear you love them, miss them and occasionally ask for help with something, that makes us feel like we're still involved lol

I don't think the issue is your specific culture or upbringing, you want to forge your own independence and path, which is perfectly reasonable and highly desirable. However, if you do, given the cultural context, you will need to learn to be okay with their disappointment/digs/guilt-tripping etc.

Sounds like a pretty specific cultural issue, best get advice from only people in similar situations not middle class middle aged white folk living in England

Hi,

I am from a similar culture but here in Britain and understand your frustrations. My parents were very supportive of my education, allowed me to dream big, I went onto get a Masters and have an amazing career in Tech. There were some expectations from my parents which in my 20s did seem overbearing but now in my late 30s, with one parent very ill, I actually wish I stayed closer. Once I married and had children my time to visit my parents reduced even more.

Having said that I still went for it and focused on my career in my 20s - don’t be afraid to do that, your parents will be immensely proud. It will also be a transition for them too. If you get the job then visit the first couple of weekends, then slowly reduce that to every other and so on; they will realise themselves you are building a life there too.

In the UK some people commute an hour or so daily to and back from work, so I think the above should be manageable? Maybe your parents can visit you on some weekends too.

Good luck with your interview :)

This is a battle for another day. You haven't got the jobs yet. Do the interview. Hopefully you'll get the job (good luck!). Find a place to live. Move, settle in, start the job. Go home for the first few weekends. Once you are established then tackle the issue.

There are all sorts of reasons you will be unable to get home, not least a new job is always exhausting. So you will want to wind down. You may have some work to do/research, You may want to socialise with colleagues, or flat mates, go to the hair dresser, get driving lessons......(say once you have a driving licence it will be easier)
I think when/if you actually get the job, you will have to say, you will get home as soon as is logistically possible.

Your other siblings are not going home every w/e either !

I would be working and financially independent, renting the flat in Dubai alone… so I wouldn’t be leeching off them while not seeing them? If you mean my current position of living with them without paying them, that is not expected at all in my culture, and my dad would be offended and confused if I tried to give him my money.

Rude.

Fortunately MN has a diverse range of members, not all middle class, middle aged white people.