to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

How rude! Of course the detail is relevant. While of course the OP can do what she likes, she comes from a culture where the expectations are very different and the background helps us understand her situation.

Start as you mean to go on. Dont go home the first weekend. Got too much to sort out with the new flat & job. Go home the next weekend, but go in the morning, not straight from work. Then maybe every other weekend for a bit. You might find you miss your family more than you think. Don’t travel in the evening straight after work though. You are going to visit them, not going home!

@daughterindilemma good luck with the interview today, try not to think about the logistics too much atm. I work in a hospital and we have a young doctor (a girl) very similar situation her parents are very traditional Muslims originally from Sudan, but she was raised In the UK from the age of 11 and is more westernised.
I think it’s very much a cultural thing in some communities but they’ve becoming more accepting as time goes on. I’m sure it’ll be fine you sound very aware of the situation and considerate to their feelings ❤️

Did you spot that she comes from a different culture? Yes?
Some of the detail is highly relevant.
I have no knowledge of this culture and hence cannot say if she IBU. I can only comment about things I understand. I find that a useful position in life.

No need to be unkind, it was providing context. Cultural expectations there will be quite different from the UK., so the advice will be different.

OP, wait to see if you get the job before worrying too much.

This is the only advice you need OP!

Do you post that on every thread?

Of course the detail here is relevant. Understanding OPs family culture is relevant, and the local culture, and the fact that the parents lost their parents young all help understand what's going on, and how the OP can deal with this.

Oh the pain and upset is definitely real - but they will see your decision as a personal rejection of them. That’s why I think it’s easier for you to slowly back away rather than get this job and stress about how your family will deal with it.

I’m in my 30s, married with children and a few years ago moved 5 mins away from my parents. When we lived further away it was easier but after the move she fully expected us to spend every weekend there. I just told them we’re busy on the weekend because XYZ and they eventually accepted it. I see them 2 times a week anyway but I know they wanted more but ultimately I have to live my life.

I think this is a much better idea.

if you get the job, at first go home for the weekends. Then start having events at the weekend so that it drops down to every other weekend. Etc etc.

If this job is in UAE wouldn't you have Fridays and Saturdays off like every other office worker, rather than Satudays and Sundays? Or have you changed details and you are not in a muslim country at all?

OP, you are quite right to want your weekends to yourself, they will need to get over it. If brutal honestly is in y, you need a catalogue of excuses and gradual cooling off. I would suggest to keep vague / quiet about your plans all week and pull out at the last minute in case they decide to come and visit you. This is what mine did - turned up and banged on the door, it got to the point that I stopped to open and told them I was out and left the light / music on to make it look like there was someone in. They gradually got the message but 30 years later my mum still grumbles about my moving out at 18. Don’t let it get to you. My DD works in a lab and often has to attend to live organism over weekend - could you have work excuse every now and again?

Do let us know if you get the job, OP.
Best of luck for today. X

Why does it matter which two days she has off?

I’m not sure a British perspective is going to help you here. From your parents’ perspective, you are Iraqis in a neighbouring Muslim country with similar values. The culture of the country you left nearly a decade ago will be irrelevant to them, as will the British passport, when it comes to their expectations. My suggestion: take a low conflict approach. One step at a time. First, get the job. Then move with the promise of coming home. Then shorten your visit to one night, then go alternate weekends. You can say you have too much work. That way you will get what you want gradually without any arguments.

UAE changed the weekend to saturday and sunday back in 2022.

I found the detail you provided very helpful OP. It gave context and helped to give me a more comprehensive picture of your situation.

There are clearly people on here much better equipped to advise you than I am as they can relate more directly to your predicament. You’ve had some excellent advice so far.

You sound lovely and I hope that you are successful with your job interview and that you find a compromise that will make the transition easier for your parents to handle. I’m sure you will manage it all very sensitively and I totally support you in wanting to build a more independent life for yourself.

I was in your shoes 20 years ago.

Iraqi parents struggle to let you go, and you are young and don’t want to disappoint them.

You are thinking a number of steps ahead, especially as you still live at home. If you move to Dubai you will obviously have to move there and that’s the first step, moving out of the family home. In your shoes I just told my parents what they wanted to hear, far easier than the drama. Once you’re there and settled like others have said just start tapering the visits.

You're not going to succeed in this job (fingers crossed for the interview) if you spend all weekend travelling back and forth!

The first step is the hardest, it will get easier.

If you don’t get this job you may want to consider how you can move out. You will never gain any independence whilst living at home.

You start your post saying you don’t want to offend anyone. You have to give less of a shit about that. YANBU, but you will have to go through the uncomfortable bit of saying no to your mum (ask me how I know). You can do it, and the world won’t end. Good luck.

I moved a long way from home, first year or so I went home every other weekend, then gradually reduced it, roughly once a month. Ironically I wish I go more now but often having health issues and a family to look after, it’s a 5 hour drive.

start with going home at weekends then create events in the city that you need to get back for, or working late on a Friday just go Saturday night.

I’m British through and through. My mother told me, when I was 20ish, that she had expected my much older sister to move back
home after university and stay until marriage as she had done, and had been most upset this hadn’t happened. She said that by then she didn’t expect me to stay either but it was obviously that, actually, she fully expected me to to since I was the more compliant sister.

I didn't. I moved 600 miles away to a fairly inaccessible location and visited a few times a year. Yes, I felt guilty at first especially as she was a widow but we were very enmeshed and I needed to escape.

You need to live your life. Just because you’re the only one of your siblings in the area doesn’t need it’s your responsibility to stay with your parents.

Will your siblings support your decision?

I think the softly approach works, but start it from the get go.
'Of course I will come home every weekend while I am still settled, but the first month I need to find my feet in the new place and have to pop into the office weekends for an hour or two to catch up on stuff I have fallen behind on, so maybe not the first month'. Then you go once, then you 'have a project that is very time consuming so have to work weekends' for a month or so, then something else until you have established once a month (and that as a huge give as really you should be doing xyz), then taper it to whatever suits you.

Asian background - not Iraqi but similar suffocating parents. Go slow.
Nod and smile. Gradually taper it because work, because busy, because...

But what is the legal situation like? As an unmarried daughter, do you need permission to stay in Dubai? Anything they can do to actually block you?

part of parenting is letting children be independent and letting them fly when they’re grown up - even if it’s hard for the parents

Hello, I'm from an Indian background and had a similar expectation when I went to university. I came home every weekend and it's one of the few things I look back on now and wish I'd done differently. It makes it really difficult to settle into a place and experience it fully. At one point I stood for a student council position and when I didn't get it, apparently my Mum complained to a family friend that I'd been unlucky. She told her it was partly her fault: by insisting I come home each weekend, I'd missed that time building relationships. When my sister went, a few years later, she had permission to stay fully and she loved it.

I guess what I'm rambling about is that our parents may have different cultural expectations but they can learn, and we only get one chance to live our lives so - to the best of our ability without being needlessly unkind - we have to grab our opportunities. They will be really proud of you, and you don't want to look back in 20 years and wish you'd stood up for yourself. As people have suggested, go slowly, but don't accept that it just has to be done their way.

Best of luck with the interview!

Tell DM that you love coming home to see her on the weekends.
Start off coming home. Inform DM of exciting job. Warn that you might be lucky enough to be asked to network and see colleagues some weekends.
Gradually introduce your new life choices...
All the while being attentive and very happy to see DM on the days you are home.

Reason that you need to sleep well Friday before driving safely at the end of the week, and to prepare for your increased responsibilities you have to travel back for sound sleep Sunday night. You are older. Your mother will admire how you can carve your own life.

Bring some of your friends home sometimes so DM knows and trusts that you are with good people.