to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

Just say yes and then slowly start to make excuses as to why you can’t. I have some empathy for your parents - they aren’t being controlling or stifling just going with the cultural norm which is admittedly out of date. It is your goal to get more freedom but to do that you have to move into “parent role”. That means teaching them. Over communicate - make plans, make a huge effort to involve them in your life but very quietly and very slowly start slipping the visits - perhaps you have a “dentist” or “work thing” at the weekend which means you can’t, they are are just doing what their family and friends do but your approach will lead to heels being dug in on both sides . But there is another more subtle way that I know from experience works . Good luck and enjoy Dubai ! You will also find that as you get your freedom you want to come
back for home comforts - leave the door wide open but be subtle with the exit

You should agree that you will do as your parents wish, then when you are in Dubai you will find reasons why you can't come home. It is very likely you'll be expected to work weekends. Your car might break down. There could be a problem in your apartment. You'll see; it will all work out.

@daughterindilemma you are an amazingly thoughtful daughter who obviously loves and respects her parents ❤️

Play it by ear once you get the job. Your parents are scared of losing you but in time they will see your hard work paying off and understand why you can’t come home every week.
start off coming home when you can, especially as you love them, and do daily video calls on way to or from work or in evenings and let them be part of this new phase of your life. It’ll be good for them to see you living your daily life too!
invite them to spend a weekend with you too, and to travel to see you if they can.

and then see how it goes. my child moved to London for university and then got a job there,

it was hard for me as a mum as my life stayed mainly the same but with a big hole in it as they were no longer part of my day to day life and had a more exciting time in a new city with a new life. It’s hard but also lovely to see your kids grow up and become adults but definitely feels like you’ve been left behind or forgotten as a parent at times.

keep them involved and part of your life always and continue to love and respect them x

good luck!

Well, I’m not British, and my parents had to deal with me, and later on, my younger siblings, overturning all their cultural expectations. I wasn’t going to compromise my own freedom to live a smaller life. They adjusted.

Hope your interview goes well. Keep us posted 💐

Psychologically it’s much easier to start off with how you want things to be rather than be one way and then change it. People get much more upset about things being taken away than not having them in the first place. In other words I would start off with how you mean to go on. Every other week would be a good balance and would allow you to build a life in Dubai while also having time with your parents.

Out of interest is it relevant that your parents are stifling and all your siblings live abroad? I don’t think you should have to be the one child who provides family life for your parents. They chose to bring you up in one culture and then return to a more traditional one.

It could be their fear they’ll hardly see you any more. Try to see that perspective to help you understand, as a parent it is hard when children leave home. However, the guilt trip that some parents do is actually what can drive their children away. You need to handle this as an adult by managing their expectations whilst also making time to come back to visit them, so they see you won’t leave and not come back, they’ll get used to it. They probably also want to protect you from the outside world so I imagine you’ll need to show them that you’re careful and looking after yourself. All parents worry, but parents are meant to help build confidence and give the tools to learn how to be an adult. Not to just leave when you’re married as that’s relying on a man to take care of you. Not everyone wants to marry these days and have a family.

It's a real weight on me, I feel like I'm really going to upset them

You aren't going to upset them. They may get upset, which is not the same thing. You're not doing anything to them, you're just living your life, which is totally reasonable.

They need to manage their emotions, not expect you to manage those for them, by coming to their house so they don't have to feel those emotions in the first place.

It's not "coming home" by the way, so stop referring to their home in that way with them because that mindset is part of their problem. If you've moved out it's no longer your home, even if you're welcome to stay there. You'll have your own home if you move to Dubai. Reinforce that by taking all your stuff if you go and not expecting them to keep your bedroom as if you still lived there or store your stuff in their home. Anything you don't want, get rid of it yourself instead of leaving it behind. The bedroom will become the guest bedroom.

I'd go back once a month maximum. Probably less, especially without a car.

It's not on you to live your life tiptoeing around their emotions and taking the restricted option just to avoid them blowing up at you. Let them blow up. They'll get over it.

They should be proud of the independent woman you've become and they should want to have a relationship with the person you are now, not try to keep you dependent like a child or under their control for whatever weird reason. It feels stifling because it is! Part of being a parent is learning to let go of parental control. You're well into adulthood OP, they realistically have no parental control any more and you can do what you like.

My advice would be cross that bridge when you come to it.

Go for the job, and if you get it, worry about home visits then. Yes they will be upset, but as an independent adult, choosing your own path and living with the consequences is part of it.

Congratulations on the interview. This is a fantastic opportunity for you. Use it to change your life for the better. Put your concern about your parents out of your mind until after the interview. Focus on preparing for that. Take nothing for granted.
As an employer, I’d say you only have to be 10% better than the other candidates so concentrate on that. Think of what you can bring to the job, not what the job can do for you. That’s the biggest mistake most candidates make.
once you secure employment, and move to Dubai, you will already start to feel liberated. Start the way you mean to go on. You will be super busy setting up home , learning the job and giving your all in your probation period. Do not go home in the first three weekends. You will need to conserve your strength. When you do go home, you’ll enjoy it more. Explain to your parents that you will come back as much as you can but you need to make a success of the job. They cope with your siblings being away and they will cope with you being away. You are training to be a lawyer. You will need resilience and a thick skin in this job. Start practicing now. You have much more power in this relationship than you think. Good luck OP. Come back and tell us if you get the job.

Good luck if you get the job. I (now 55) have been in a not dissimilar situation where my mum is widowed and I'm the only child. Her expectations from me have been beyond what is doable now with my own family and life. I agree move first then set expectations, I also agree not going the first weekend it a good move - and getting settled is the ultimate excuse. Once the dust settles i do think it helps if you make an effort and make sure you make a future plan so you mum knows when she will see you again. Plans do t need to be for the full weekend. I almost said why don't you arrange alternate weekends with them coming to you once, a weekend off then you going to them then a weekend off. However this sort of arrangement is very predictable and if (when) you want / need to change it in future it is a whole new set of drama. So my advice would be to make arrangements at one visit for the next so your mum has something to look forward to (once she gets used to the initial loss) keep them regularly irregular - so its not always every second week. While it will be hard initially, it will make it easier in the long term. Also phone calls are a great substitute, but letting them expect a call a night and them mum talking for an hour or too and asking about every detail of your work and life is not conductive to living it. So again, try and make time for regular calls especially initally but try not to let them always be long. Does she really need to know your dinner plans every night and who said what at work? Keep regular contact but set the stage one day for the next or that you are out tomorrow visiting..(insert culturally acceptable pastime here) and you won't be available le to talk or it will have to be a quick call. Ive missed so many dinners or evenings with the kids as my mum ducked up an hour or more of my time. Your mum does have your dad and the rest of the family so do try and encourage them to share the load, find hobbies... Good luck.

How did your interview go?

Think it went well! Won't find out for a while, but feeling optimistic

Just want to say thanks for all the advice everyone :) Its all been really helpful. I think probably I will put this to the back of my mind for now- some of you rightfully pointed out I was getting ahead of myself. If (fingers crossed) I get the job, I will probably go with trying to ease them into me not coming home every weekend as it would be very jarring and likely hurtful for them if I just refused to come right off the bat. This was helpful in sorting my thoughts out so thanks again 😄

Hope you get it.
Absolutely you can ease them into it.
Also you may find you are working late/early mornings etc., so are unable to come as often.

You are entitled to your own life, so you can do this gently, but firmly.

Good parents don't guilt their children excessively, so beware of falling for it.

We love you, we love to see you, but we have to be respectful of your own lives to lead, no matter how hard that is.

Good luck.

I would be exactly the same as you and want to have my own life. The big but is it will depend on your family dynamics and culture. In terms of family dynamics, if you don't go home every weekend, will they be upset but accept it? Or will they see it as a much bigger insult and perhaps make your relationship tense.

If I was in your shoes I would put this thought aside and focus on getting the job. You clearly wanted this role originally and it meets your career goals so get the job and come to the next hurdle when you have it. Don't let this prevent you from pursuing it.

Next, if you get the job, speak openly with your parents and say you will trial returning every weekend for the first 4-6 weeks but once you're settled, you will likely start to reduce this. This will give you both time to adjust and for you to demonstrate that it is tiring and a big commitment. Once you do start coming every other weekend (or less) make those weekends feel special. I don't see my family often but when we do get together, it is fun, we play games etc. If I saw them every week, it would likely be just like living at home together and we'd sit in silence or watch the tv etc. So I think if it becomes special, they may be more accepting of it.

Hi there. I know you've put this to rest but I felt I had to say something as I was in a similar situation as you are now.
I grew up in the Dubai, UAE. My parents immigrated from Asia so they had the exact same mindset as yours do.
I too stayed home, didn't pay rent and finally got the opportunity of a job in Al Ain after university. I was lucky enough to be offered a home with the job as well and let me tell you, I lost sleep knowing my mother would no doubt move in with me. And she did - to "set me up" as they say. But it turned into them calling all the shots in my new home. I did not get to decide a thing!

Eventually she went back to Dubai but I was expected to go home every weekend as well. I took that goddamned bus more times that I care to admit. I still remember getting shoved by so many men in the mad rush to get into the tin can.

Even when I went back to Dubai on the weekends, I was expected to "stay home" and be the good daughter and man she used to get so upset if I dared meet a friend!

10 years later I'm here to tell you, do it. Make the move if you get the chance. Find a new home, make it your own. Be busy decorating your new home some weeks, explore your new surroundings, make new friends! Tell them you're tired some weeks, tell them you have things to do. Taper it down slowly, initially it'll be visits back home every weekend but you'll figure it slowly. Just make sure you do. Learn to say no. It'll be the hardest thing you ever do.

I never did and now it's too late for me. All the very best to you @daughterindilemma

I’ve never felt so seen… I just found out today I got a 2nd interview for this Dubai job, only a day after the first interview! And I was excited, until I told my mum how excited I was to have my own space in my own flat. She then IMMEDIATELY told me ‘well I’ll be there half there half the week, just like my friend goes to her sons flat half the week’. And immediately I wanted to cry. It’s my birthday today (24) and I’m full of dread and panic. I just feel like I’m never going to have my own life, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m going to lose my twenties to my parents. They don’t mean to be controlling- they’re very loving, affectionate parents, but they’re so stifling I’m ashamed to say I sometimes resent them. I’m now almost dreading the prospect of getting this job, and hoping they reject me. Dubai clearly isn’t far enough. Sorry for the vent, I’m just upset

I’m really sorry if this came off sounding dramatic or overemotional guys. Just upset. And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful either. I’m well aware of how much my parents have done for me and how much they love me. I apologise if I came off bratty or dramatic

The solution is, like your siblings you need to move further away, I think work towards moving back to the UK if you can

Oh no! You definitely need to apply for jobs further away!

Congratulations on getting the job! Do you mean she plans to live with you for half the week? And then would you still be expected to go "home" for the weekend?

Honestly, you need to get out of that country! No wonder your siblings have left!

I haven’t got the job yet, but have got a second interview very quickly. It’s a great career opportunity, and law is so so hard to get into (been applying for two years, been a nightmare). That’s why I’m conflicted. If I get offered the job, my parents would naturally expect me to accept it, and it is an excellent opportunity

Do what others do. Say you will go back every weekend. And then either dont, or see them when you want to. Main thing is, go for the job if you want it.

Tricky to say exactly what she means. I suspect that she’d use my flat as a landing pad to Dubai pretty often, and so would be there a lot. I’m scared that my prospects of an independent life are fading, and I’m panicking. Not a great birthday haha