to not want to go home to my parents every weekend?

[daughterindilemma]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm actually not a mum but a daughter, but I wanted to ask this question to mums... I hope that's allowed? If it offends or upsets anyone, I will apologise and delete this thread!

I'm 23 years old (I turn 24 in two days). I am British-Iraqi (grew up in the UK til 14, moved to UAE at 15, studied law in the UK) and I live in Abu Dhabi with my parents. I work at a job that they helped me get after I could not get a job post-grad. I do not pay bills or rent. In the culture I am from, staying at home is very normal even until marriage and there is really no concept of giving parents money to stay in the family home (my parents would likely not accept if I tried).

It now looks as if there is a pretty significant chance that I might end up moving to Dubai (city about an hours drive away) for a very promising new job as a paralegal at a law firm I interned at two years ago. For background, I was actually offered a job by the managing partner for the exact same position) after I finished my internship, but it didn't end up happening and I found out from somebody working there that it was due to internal budget reasons.

Two years later they are hiring for the same role, and I feel there is a strong chance I might get it- my interview is tommorow.

Here's what I want advice on: Last time, when I had been offered the role, my mum was very adamant that I would come back home every single weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. When I tried to push back on this gently by saying, 'well maybe not every weekend, maybe some weekends I will want to stay in Dubai so I can build a life there...' she seemed very upset and offended. I found it very very stifling. I want to live an independent, separate life from my parents... I am so grateful for everything they have given me, but I want to live independently like an adult, and I think going home every weekend would stifle that. I have friends who work in Dubai who do come down to visit their friends in AD quite often (I don't know if its every weekend, but often) and I'm sure my parents will say that that is what's normal and I would be very weird not to come every weekend. Both my parents lost parents young, in their twenties, and I think they struggle to see past their young losses and understand why a young person might want distance from their parents. Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive and I don't yet have a driving license so would need to take a bus... it feels impractical. I love my parents, we have a good relationship, but they are very stifling.

Now I want to ask Mumsnet if I am being unreasonable and ungrateful to my parents by not wanting to go home every weekend if I did get this job? I'm very nervous about how this will be received, lol.

I don’t think that’s wise. Every other weekend to start and then review it.

OP, may I apologise for some of the replies you have had here. I'm not sure why such rudeness has been aimed in your direction. It seems wholly ill-deserved.

You sound like you are trying to forge your own independent life whilst not upsetting your parents, to whom you are close. I hope you get this job and a place of your own. What person your age wouldn't want that? You sound like you will manage to accomplish both things.

Can one of your siblings help to suggest to your parents in passing that it is important for you to make friends in Dubai? Surely when your parents think about it, they won't want you to limit making friends 5 minutes away who can help you out. It sounds like your parents want the best for you. When they see that you have a flat and job and are happy, some of their worries might reduce.

I liked the idea of involving your mum to stay with you in Dubai sometimes. That might be really nice. I am the opposite end of the mother spectrum from yours in that I let my daughter make her own decisions without any comment but I would drop everything to be invited to my daughter's new place. It would feel like I'd done a good job raising her that she had successfully flown the nest.

I think you sound like you are very much following their advice of getting the best of two cultures, and you might need to remind them of that. Very good luck. Fingers crossed for you.

I don’t really understand what this has with Britain / UK tbh

you haven’t been in Britain for a long time and these issues seem to be unique to your home country / culture.

why don’t you talk to your siblings about this?

I feel you’re overthinking this massively and spiralling, it doesn’t make sense. You might not get the job, you haven’t even moved out yet. Stop inventing scenarios in your head, just tackle the issue when you’re actually in the new place in the new job and in the moment?

I think that is much better approach.

If you need excuses not to go to Abu Dhabi every weekend you can say (i) working in a law firm in Dubai will be crazy hours and you’ll likely be working late on Friday / exhausted, (ii) traffic in Dubai on Friday night is insane (esp if you’re in DIFC or Emaar square which I assume you will be), and (iii) SZR during rush hour is busy and everyone drives like a psycho and at some point you will get into a crash. So I would say it’s not a 1.5 hr journey it’s up to 3 hrs + dangerous during rush hour (it’s not like driving down the M1!). + say you’ll be socialising etc - it’s just not logistically sensible

Don’t argue with them, do the move and then come up with reasons why you can’t come home such as I’m working, or I have social event or a work event or I’m tired and then throw in the occasional weekend what can they do you aren’t there and after a while they will get used to you not being around

@daughterindilemma Add to the fact that Dubai is an hour and a half drive

This aspect isn't a factor. This is a daily commute for many people.

I think you sound so gracious. Your parents decided to expose you to a British influence and you seem to be incorporating both cultures beautifully. As someone who has done the same thing (different background) it’s not easy but it can really help you grow as a person. Good luck. Your parents are lucky to have you.

My mother although white and British was also very clingy when I first left home back in the 1960s. I used to go home on average once a month. However there were no mobile phones then and my parents were not on the phone. So they never knew when I was going to arrive.

The plan that some of the posters have sketched out of doing things gradually is a good one. You can probably get away with not going home the first weekend as you will have arrangements to make in your new apartment. If you do decide to go home you could travel on Saturday am and leave on Sunday pm for the same reason - things to do.

After that you can arm yourself with a series of reasons to space things out - extra work, networking, social obligations and so on. It should not be too difficult to stretch the visits to one a month with maybe a mid week face time or phone call in between.

I haven’t read the whole post so hopefully I’m not just repeating what others have said! Once you have the job you can simply start to have plans every other weekend.
”mum I have to work late today I won’t be home this weekend, call you Saturday morning”.
“I’ve been invited on a girls camping trip” “cooking class” ect till it’s normal that you don’t go home every weekend!

you don’t have to fight or push for it while you are still at home and once you have your own place you can simply say “I’m not coming back this weekend, call you Saturday morning like usual”. If you love animals you could also get a pet, and then you would have a brilliant inbuilt excuse as to why you aren’t back “no one to feed my cat”

Could you just alternate weekends and gradually reduce without a big discussion/confrontation?

Hi there - this is a conundrum and I wish you the best. Mumsnet is an overwhelmingly U.K. site and in the U.K. we generally don’t have these types of expectations from our children, so you will likely get the answer that you are not being unreasonable - because in our culture noone reasonable expects a 23 yo to come home every weekend.
However as you say, your culture is very different.
The thing that strikes me is that you spent your formative years in the U.K., so it isn’t surprising that you think/feel like us on this issue. Perhaps you could gently say this to your parents while making clear that you love them very much and feel a strong sense of duty towards them.

My best friend at school was born in the U.K. of Indian parents - really lovely people. She had an arranged marriage (and was happy to). Sometimes our cultures are just very different!

I wonder if it would be easier to move much further away so going to them every weekend is clearly impractical. Maybe this job, if you get it, is a stepping stone for a couple of years whilst you look elsewhere.

Is this the sort of law where people work very long hours? If so you're not going to want to travel every weekend.

The good thing is OP you've got some very supportive parents. A little too supportive perhaps..bit a wonderful thing as well. Don't get bogged down in the detail with them. Don't bring up the subject of specific dates and times, other than to reassure them that they will still see plenty of you. Ease them into you being less available,it will also let them get used to you not being there ( they will find it very hard for the first couple of weeks).. But you will soon get to organise your own routine.

Anyway. Good luck with the interview. Sounds like an exciting opportunity for you x

From a parents perspective and as an extreme example, if they are looking after pets you ‘had to have’ then yes I would expect you to be there for them as much as possible, although I wouldn’t begrudge you weekends away etc.

its hard adjusting to an empty nest as a parent and it seems you are the last to fly the coop.

personally I would go for the soft option of returning home most weekends, but have weekends when you make other arrangements or feeling under the weather…. 😉

you sound very considerate and doing well. Congratulations to all of you for a successful launch !

I think, due to the cultural expectations, you could make a compromise and work towards not staying every weekend.

Because of the travel time, maybe coming home Friday and leaving after Sunday dinner. Then gradually taper the time spent then, every other week. Until you are happy with whatever works for you. I think that is something that is fair.

You are not being unreasonable. Your parents love you and live having you around . Just be non committal “ I’ll need to see, depends how long my hours are, if I have to work weekends “ of course I’ll want to make friends blah blah. Go back regularly at the beginning, then tail off - they just need to get used to the idea

I’m from a different culture than you OP but my parents expected regular visits too. I moved to another country when I was 20. I paid for my education and was fully independent but there was still an expectation that I’d spend every holiday in my family home so I did fly every time. To be honest I did need it and I missed them at the time. But later I wanted to travel to other places so there was alway guilt tripping that I’m going elsewhere. Then they got used to it that I come home once a year and they also started visiting me.
now I’m not constricted with corporate holiday allowance so I visit my family more often but again - why not two weeks? Only 10 days? Only a week? There’s no point coming for a week. And so on. I know it comes from them missing me and wanting to see me more but again I had to put boundaries kindly. I don’t want to upset them (even though they’re upsetting me with the comments) so I just reduce the time gradually.
I think you should just be “too busy” with work/life/activities and reduce the visits over time. They will complain but will get used to it.
Ignore the idiots telling you can’t pick and choose from your culture - this is exactly what makes living in another country so great - you absorb the culture and choose the best of both worlds.

You do realise that Mumsnet isn’t geo-blocked so only people in Britain can post right? Anyone can post here. And OP grew up in Britain.

Gate-keeping Mumsnet is a weird new flex.