To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

I agree with this.

Did your husband ever really care about your oldest son because he's detached himself pretty easily, even to the extent that he's refusing to look after the youngest child while you go and visit your son.
No matter how he feels he shouldn't be trying to control you in to abandoning your DS. As abandoning him will make you loose him completely.
You already have the stress and worry about your oldest DS and your DH is making it even more difficult with his mean and selfish behaviour.

As a single mother of 2 boys, my oldest son found transitioning from primary school to secondary school difficult. He was feeling insecure and trying to hide his feelings of being scared so he was also having out bursts of anger/ or craving of attention which he got when he misbehaved.

The little sweet child he used to be had changed. However persistence and trying to understand what they are going through pays off. They are going through puberty/hormonal changes and also possibly trauma of being abandoned by their biological father.
It's the feeling of rejection that they have buried inside them, which hasn't been properly dealt with.

It's easy to get carried away with their outbursts and get annoyed but its also important to understand what they are going through.
I'm not perfect, I do get angry but when I've calmed down, I've reflected on my behaviour and realized where I've gone wrong with my parenting.

I've also realised there is no magic wand to make things better, we just have to keep on trying until something works. I hope you continue to love and support your son. No child should just be abandoned. I'm sure at 14 he was just going through all kinds of mixed emotions. He may have acted strong but from within he must have felt lost.

Hopefully from all the replies you have received you will take the advice that works for you. I hope your son's behaviour continues to improve so that he has a brighter future. Hopefully one day he can look back and be grateful for your support. I also hope he stays away from the bad influences around him as that is the only way of staying away from trouble.
Best wishes.

The seriousness of the offense doesn't matter imo, children are still entitled to be cared for. It's wrong for a stepdad to try to force his partner to cut off their child.

In the UK legal system, 17 is a child. He isn't a young adult. You can't just decide he's an adult because he's done something you don't like. If he's 17, he's being held within the children's secure estate. Due to being a child.

What’s his issue with Saturdays?!

At first I thought that you found yourself in a bad relationship with a controlling partner. I don’t think this is the case. He could be more supportive but I can also understand his resentment towards DS.
It sounds like DS1 has been an nightmare for your entire relationship.
You’ll have to hire a friendly neighbour to babysit for a few hours.
You’ll also have to think about cutting DS off if he continues with his lifestyle. You cannot have this around a young child. I have seen many families get hurt in retaliation for their loved ones crimes.

Try and get children's social care to accept a duty to safeguard a 17 year old who wasn't LAC under 16.
He also isn't in the children's estate he'll be in a YOI, young offenders up to the age of 21 if convicted up to the age of 17, not all children, far from it.
My point is he has been a danger to the public and has assaulted the OP on more than one occasion. She isn't obligated to any relationship or duty at this point

It seems to be only for Saturday prison visits, the OP states he'd happily look after the child for any other reason

How much longer has your DS got @DaringTaupeCat left on his sentence

I get you don’t want to take toddler / assuming eldest son has never met youngest if 18mths

but if you won’t use a nanny , or dh look after him then only other option is to take toddler or not go

not seeing DS on his birthday isn’t an option so you need to decide /pick one of the other 3 options

DH won’t want him back in the house. He is a parent now biologically and he won’t want any harm to come to his vulnerable toddler off the back of DS1 crime, this changes everything.
If you split up he could get custody if you are living with a violent criminal, even if he is your son.

Your DH is being an arsehole and it is his job to parent his own child.

This is clearly not about his work, he just doesn't want to do your son any favours. I can see that a mother would love her child unconditionally and want to support him but from your DH point of view your son has attacked his partner so why would he want to help? I am not saying I agree with his attitude but that is basically it from what I am reading.

If your husband doesn't back down, then I would go anyway and take your youngest with you. No, it won’t be as easy, but it might be ok if you take things to occupy him and snacks/drinks, and I’m sure your eldest would rather have you visit with his brother on his Birthday, than no-one at all.

Absolutely 100% this.

Your son still needs your support and love.
You have a DH problem who is behaving like a selfish idiot and coming between you and your son. I would even say he's jealous and doesn't want you to have a relationship with your son. Your son will also pick up on this attitude from your DH, when he comes out of prison he will feel the rejection. It won't be helpful for him towards turning his life around and making a better future for himself.
You need to be strong and be there for your son and definitely visit him on his birthday.

He hasn’t been a nightmare our whole relationship. We got together when he was 3/4 and there was no issues with him, he wasn’t an angel but he wasn’t awful he would misbehave at times like any other child but we dealt with it as and when it happened and he got along with dh like I said in my op.

He started secondary school Sept 2021 and within a month or 2 (the first term anyway) his behaviour changed, the secondary school wasnt in a good area and there was an area nearby that was popular for kids to go and cause trouble basically. Obviously ds was responsible for his own actions and i’m not saying he wasnt because yes there were plenty of other kids who stayed out of trouble but it was a sudden change and then he got older and police was involved etc and i tried to get help but no one would.

He’s due to be released at the start of next year

See your son. He’s your baby too. If you have to take the toddler, so be it. But don’t let him down.

The issue is that DH doesn't want anything to do with your son and he doesn't think you should either. But instead of trying to understand your pov, he wants to stop you having anything to do with DS. As far as DH is concerned DS can rot in hell.

Obviously he was horrified at DS's treatment of you, and bothered about your safety. Plus DS rejected him in cruel ways. I can see where he's coming from. Do you ever acknowledge his feelings? Because it seems to me that you both need to try to communicate and agree on a way forward. You're still DS's mother with all that brings. DH doesn't have that connection and it's not all his fault. I'm not suggesting you need to give up on your son, but find a way that you can both feel at peace with.

This this this. I’d look after a neighbour’s kids for a couple of hours in this situation, without question.

Your husband sounds awful, OP. I hope you can see your son.

You have to go see your son on his birthday. There’s no two ways about it. It sounds like you’re the only caring adult in his life. He’s been abandoned by his dad and his stepdad when things got tough.

It will be absolutely crucial for his mental health and his rehabilitation that you go visit on his birthday. It doesn’t have to be perfect but you must go. If you have no route to leaving your toddler at home then you’ll just have to bring your toddler and frame it as “I absolutely had to be here with you and this is how I’m making it happen”.

I know that you’re in a very difficult situation right now with this decision. But you’re doing your best and putting your two children first. Try not to think about anything else right now - whether your partner likes it or not.
Go see your son, chat and let you both start looking forward to his release next year.

Hopefully this has really frightened him and made him reconsider his life. I would move from the area start fresh in a new area, if not he’ll be back with old friends like a celebrity from doing his time, the badge of pride in these criminal hood groups.
I get it I’ve seen kids fall through the cracks and I’ve seen others dragged out by parents at all costs before it is too late. Hindsight is great but I’d have put in for a transfer and changed schools after 6 months.
Once you are in a bad crowd it gets worse.
Move him completely away from the area. You’ve no need to stay local. No family, no job, DH works from home.
Read up on the rat park experiment.

And will he live with you and dh ?
Things may be emotional /destructive if you do

As he would look after your son for anything else I can sympathise with your DH, but the way he has worded things is horrible. He has witnessed your son do terrible things and that is traumatic in itself. I don't think you can expect your DH facilitate your relationship with your DS.

I understand you want to support your older son but I think you have complicated things somewhat with having another baby. I'm guessing the main reason your husband is acting this way because he wants to protect his vulnerable toddler son from his violent stepson by discouraging contact with him. Going forward I do think your younger son needs to be the priority here, regardless of age sone crimes are so severe that that person shouldnt be anywhere near young children. Your son must have done something really bad to end up in prison for that length of time.

Have you discussed with your husband what you plan to do regarding your son once he is released?

Will your husband take issue with taking your son with you? Also it’s a pretty dick thing to say about having another kids, seeing as he’s the Dad and took that choice with you. It’s one thing being angry that your eldest hurt you but to say that to the Mother of his child about his own child is really concerning

Plus a birthday is only once a year so hardly 'regularly'.

Not a grown man who beat his wife though.

I've not raised a troubled child either, but I've known troubled children. And they almost always are screaming out for love and support. A grown man is a different story.

Troubled or not he was old enough to know that it isn't acceptable to assault people. Notice how OP doesn't mention violence towards his stepdad? He has chosen to assault a woman.