To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

Ask a friend to help look after your child. I feel sorry for your eldest, it sounds like your DH could have done more for him, just like he could be doing more now.

Assault covers myriad different scenarios: common assualt, ABH, wounding or GBH are all colloquially referred to as an assault. At the furthest end of the scale assault can be extremely serious and most certainly do result in custodial sentences.

instead of trying to prove what a terrible Person OP is why not offer some support or leave her and the thread alone.

the bigger present concern is clearly a clearly abusive husband

I agree with this.

It doesn't matter how your husband feels. He shouldn't have a problem with looking after his child. He is deliberately being mean. Instead of showing some understanding he's being controlling.

I think you need to arrange some childcare and go and visit your son on his birthday.
If you miss his birthday this will make him feel rejected. As his mother don't give up on him carry on being there for him.
I know it is very difficult to get help.
I myself in my own circumstances came to the conclusion, there is no magic wand to make things better.
You just have to stand back and look hard at the situation and see what is working and what isn't. Continue with the approach that works.
I'm sure your son must have been hurting aswell, thats why he just felt angry because
it's easier to feel angry rather than crying and letting all those emotions deep inside us come out. He must have been feeling lost and feeling some kind of trauma.

Continue to show him that you love him and will always be there for him. We cannot give up on our children.
I wish you all the best.

I agree with this 100%.
Your husband is behaving very unreasonably.
He shouldn't be controlling you and refusing to look after the younger child for a couple of hours.

The OP hasn't said it was a silly mistake. She's said he got into trouble numerous times and that he didn't think anything would happen to him. She has disclosed he hit her and she was frightened. How is that downplaying it. How easily would you cut ties with your child?

She's a mother who wants to support her troubled child. The H is making it difficult for her to do that.

Why do you think that less parental support for a teenager is the best way to go about things? Why does the H think it's ok for his 18 month old to go to prison rather than him looking after his own child? If they're separated then he has even less say. He is controlling and not helping anyone.

Your DH loves your toddler? Gets up with them, cares for them?

Then just go. Just leave. Leave him with his child, they won’t be at risk.

It’s weird that you are having to ask permission. Did your DH not actually want a child? Was the pregnancy planned? DH May be angry at you, but he sounds really controlling. Maybe think on if you want this relationship to continue OP.

He is allowed to not like your son anymore after everything but he isn't allowed to stop you. He should be supporting you and your choices that's what partners do even if they disagree.

You might be a SAHM, but if you had a job you'd be allowed to book the day off. Tell him you're booking your annual leave and so he will be on duty! You are not being unreasonable, in fact I think showing up for a child in trouble is the most important parenting. We don't get to abandon responsibilities just because it's too difficult (within reason, obviously you can't indefinitely put up with bad behaviour towards you/your family).

He hasn’t said to take the bloody toddler.

He has just said he won’t move his work schedule.

Op is free to book a baby sitter or put the child in nursery. She doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to facilitate her seeing her abusive criminal near adult child by changing his work schedule.

BOOK a baby sitter 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I agree with this 100%.
" How easily would you cut ties with your child?"
"She's a mother who wants to support her troubled child. The H is making it difficult for her to do that."
I'm glad OP is still being there and supporting her son rather than abandoning him, like his biological dad and then the step dad.
I would try my absolute hardest to support my child before giving up. I honestly and truly wish you all the best.

He ‘plays games’ during his working day? This alone, without him being an unsupportive H, would be enough for me to say LTB. Also, YOU chose to have another child - was it a sperm donor or different father? Generally, both parents are involved in that choice. Good luck with your son, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot with him and while I would say you need to cut off contact if in future he is physically violent to you, it sounds like he is making an effort to sort himself out. You are still his mum and he is not even an adult yet, so I think you are doing the right thing in visiting him every few weeks and your arse of a husband should support you in that.

If my child killed someone, raced someone did the most heinous thing, I would love them. The seriousness of the crime is an irrelevance when it comes to the dh interfering here. He can decide not to interact with op's son, that is his choice. However, he cannot impede op. This is her son's 18th birthday. Any man attempting to stop me being there for my children's 18th birthday could fuck right off.

I know I’m going right against the grain here but, if I loved my partner and their kid had beaten them and ended up in the nick I don’t know that I’d ever be wholly comfortable with my partner having anything to do with them. Add into that that he tried to be a parental figure and got it thrown back in his face.
He can’t stop you seeing your son and he isn’t stopping you but I can see why he’s throwing a spanner in the works to make it hard. Your DH isn’t being very fair and it’s not very mature but you’re having contact with someone who beat you and let you both down. I kinda get why he’s making it difficult.

OP has said would prefer not to take the toddler so I'm assuming he is aware of this being the option.

But he'll move his work schedule to play games and go to the gym. The OP is a SAHM why should she pay for childcare when there is another parent there who can easily look after their own child for free? Even if she did pay for a childminder she'll still be going so what does it achieve other than punish his partner for daring to support a child who was nasty to him during his younger years?

Would you honestly disown your own child? I have a nephew who is troubled and the main reason is due to having a parent who doesn't care about him. Unless you want this teenager to spend the rest of his life in prison (which he won;t), then it's not only better for the OP, her children, SOCIETY AS A WHOLE, to get support to be a good, functioning adult.

At least OP is taking responsibilty for trying to do that. And as I say, if they separate he'll have not say in anything the 18 month old does. You'd think if he was that worried he'd try to mitigate that.

Or he'll actually have to provide childcare half the time so it won't be an issue going forward.

To add, I personally wouldn't book an unknown babysitter last minute for a chlld who can't talk properly yet. But maybe that's just me.

I don’t disagree with the principle of what you’re saying but “get a job, put son in nursery and separate from husband” is not necessarily a financially viable option for OP. We don’t know her qualifications and/or earning capacity but if we presume she takes a minimum wage job, that is about £1800 per month take home. Childcare where I live is £1200 per month so how exactly is OP expected to leave the (admittedly useless) H and survive/support her son on £600pm? Maybe benefits would make this possible for her (I’m not familiar with the system at all) but it’s a bit simplistic to simply say “get a job and put child in nursery” - for many lower earning individuals, it’s simply not worth it. Good luck OP - I do hope you manage to leave this bully husband and hope there is support/benefits out there to help you do so.

You clearly missed the part where the ‘D’H regularly goes to the gym and ‘plays games’ during his working day, so clearly does not have the same work ethic and environment as you.

I haven’t raised a trouble child so who knows but I sure as shit anit judging a man who won’t move his work plans for a male who beat his wife 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, it wasn’t sexual. It was violent and on cctv so there was no doubt what he did. It was an assault i’m not downplaying it as “just an assault” nor am I saying oh it’s the wrong crowds faultI don’t know where you got that from. I’m not downplaying when he hit me either I even said in my op i was frightened of him at times

I don’t support what he did, any of it but I wasn’t going to abandon my then 14 year old even though he pretended he didn’t care about everything - he probably did and it would’ve affected him. He’s now 17 in a few days and a different person, i’m able to have proper conversations without arguing with him and no that’s not just because he’s saying what i want to hear like a pp said, when I would first visit he often would sit there in a mood then end up shouting at me for something , he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing but he now talks quite passionately about the course he’s doing and he has said he probably wants to do it as a career and overall he just seems more positive about everything

I’ve said I don’t want to take my 18mo with me because well toddlers are demanding and I do want to be able to talk to ds properly but dh likely would object to it

I wouldn't either. I don't know why people are so insistent that it is the answer.

What happens if you need to go to dentist for example? Wound DP look after toddler then?

Also is it 2 weekday afternoons every week? That would feel like a lot even in a flexible job in afraid. He could take annual leave for a special occasion tho.

She isn't going that often, that's just the times that are possible.

What's wrong with you? She's his mother and that is in the past. And he's turning 17 so not an adult. You must have a heart of stone.

You sound such a good mum. Of course you should go, and of course your dh is negative and worried, the 2 things can both be true.
Are grandparents too far away completely? Have you asked them if they could help, even if it meant taking the toddler to them? They might be longing to do something positive.
Wishing you and your family all the luck in the world.

Well surely this would mean in future that you won't 'look after' your toddler your toddler on an evening or weekend if / when your DH wants to go out or do something?? It works both ways.