To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

WTF is his attitude that childcare is for you only to sort? I’m a SAHM too OP and our husbands couldn’t work without us being unpaid childcare now could they?

I had a shitty stepdad growing up that I hated. I think your husband has behave very childish and appallingly tbh. Not excusing your son’s actions but your husband appears to have stepped back rather than ever stepping up.

Take your toddler if needed OP. I absolutely would. I’d also be asking your husband how the fuck he plans to manage when you return to work part time and tell him you’ve found a job, make him sweat over childcare. What a useless waste of space he is.

Enjoy your visit with your son. Having a supportive parent is going to go a long way and I worry your husband will try other bullshit like refusing your son to be in the home etc when he’s out. Have a good think about how to be the best parent to both your children, it may be an ex husband may be of use to you vs what he’s doing right now.

It is very sad that your husband cannot understand that our love for our children is unconditional. Even when they do horrible things we still love them. it is such a shame that he will not support you with this. I can imagine that you are very disappointed in him. You are doing the right thing by continuing to visit your son and support him. Tell your husband if he does not look after the toddler then you will have to take him with you.

Did you read her post?

I think some of the posters here are making big assumptions. I don't think dh is necessarily being controlling or being a useless father. His issue is not minding the child per se but why he is minding the child. I don't agree with him, but I see he has a point. Just as another pp says, you wouldn't babysit for your friend so she can see a man who you believe is abusing her. The point he is missing is that this is your son and your love is unconditional, as it should be. It doesn't mean you condone your son's behaviour. If this young man has any chance of rehabilitation he needs your support and I think you are doing the right thing by standing by him. But Dh isn't entirely wrong to want to cut him out. The problem is he is putting obstacles in your way.

I know you are reluctant to hand him over to a stranger but I think a few hours with a sitter wouldn't harm him. It's worth investigating anyway. If you are absolutely stuck, bring the baby but don't miss the birthday.

well my perspective would be my eldest son was here before the husband and the toddler. And it’s his birthday so I would be spending it with him.

I feel exactly the same. I was a lone parent OP and my DC would come first.

OP - yes your son was a brat back in the day and caused a lot of trouble and modt probably a hell if a lot of arguments between you & husband
I Dont for one minute think it will be the end of the arguments ! Especially when your ds comes out.
your husband attitude is all wrong
Its his child also
childcare is not just because you a SAHM it’s a joint parenting thing
Husband doesn’t get to decide what you do when you need him to look after your son

please don’t be a stay a home mum with a husband whose attitude to children is all wrong.
when ds is walking , get yourself a job and put him in nursery.
Don’t ever rely on a man please, make sure you always have a fuck off fund

Your husband is an arsehole. This is his child too.

The fact that your DH is working is irrelevant (because you have the same arguments on Saturdays) You've said he looks after your toddler solo at other times. He's not a shit dad. He is capable.

He is choosing not to facilitate you seeing your violent older son. The question is why. Is it because he's vindictive? Is it because he's angry at what you and he went through? Is is because he thinks your son will cause future problems? Is it because he doesn't want you to be hurt again? Do he hope for a future no contact situation?

All the childcare stuff and the WFH stuff is a red herring. Find out why your DH doesn't want you to see your older son. Then talk about it a lot and find a way forward. But don't get distracted by side issues like childcare

Tbh I didn’t manage to read the whole OP, but your H is definitely being unreasonable if he won’t look after your toddler so you can visit your son in prison. Whatever the circumstances.

Even if he couldn’t work flexibly he could take leave of some kind.

This sounds really difficult OP and I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all of this.

I wonder if your DHs refusal is his attempt at expressing a boundary at what happened before - not to excuse him because he should 100% grow up and respect your choices, but maybe he felt quite emasculated at not being able to protect you and this is a weird way of trying to do that now?

It sounds awful, and maybe some couples counselling would be helpful to untangle it all.

You sound like a lovely, lovely mum, and it matters more than ever when we fuck up that our mum comes to visit us.

Given what people who know the criminal justice system have said about the crime behind your son's sentence and knowing he has assaulted you I have a bit more understanding of your husband's position. I'd ask your husband if he'd reconsider for your son's 18th birthday but you won't ask again. And I'd explain to your son that whilst you would visit more often this is one of the consequences of his behaviour. Things have broken down between him and your DH so there's nothing to lose with your DS knowing this. If he really is maturing he should be prepared to accept this is how it's going to be until his baby brother is older and well enough for you to use a babysitter. It's hard on you but I can see why it has come to this. But be prepared to miss this birthday too, if your husband won't budge. I think you have to accept his perspective in the light of the seriousness of the crime.

Yes…

Of course you want to see your son on his birthday, I think that’s perfectly reasonable. If your husband won’t look after his child can you arrange a babysitter? Would it be possible to take him with you so that he can see his brother? I’m really sorry you’ve been put in this situation.

Does the prison have a creche or a family centre where you could have your visit? It's worth an ask

Wanting to go on a date with an abusive ex is different to this lady wanting to play a supportive role to her son in his rehabilitation surely you can see that as someone who works in criminal justice

Abuse from your child is still a huge thing. Her son hit her multiple times while already having police involvement.

Considering ops want to downplay the situation I’d say the term hit is also another underplay.

It’s going to see your abuser regardless of who that abuser is.

I can fully back her husband in not wanting to facilitate that himself personally.

But I can understand that she loves her son even if he beat her, so she should use a babysitter.

Your husband is not a nice man.

If he was genuinely worried about you being hurt he’d have explained that, not tell you childcare is your responsibility because you decided to have a baby. That is disgusting behaviour.

do you have any friends who might be able to look after your toddler. In the absence of that, as a PP said, an imperfect visit is better than no visit.

YANBU @DaringTaupeCat . Whilst it is soul destroying having a child you raised turn on you and constantly say, 'you're not my dad, so you can't tell me what to do', and I really do empathise with your DH here, he's being a dick not giving you a couple of hours to yourself. It really doesn't matter that you're going to see your older son. Being a SAHM does not make you a slave to your child's needs when that child has another parent at home. You are allowed to have time to yourself and you don't have to justify what you do with that time to anyone, including your DH.

I’ve not downplayed anything.

@Holeymoley28 as you’ve pointed out there are limited circumstances in which a 14 year old gets a 2+ year custodial sentence. OP was crystal clear that she didn’t want to divulge details because she doesn’t want to be outed.

why not respect that and put your ms marple tendencies to one side eh?

I’m not trying to guess what he did but op chose to call it an assault. Rather than just saying he did something terrible and leaving it at that. Thats a downplay. Assault at 14 doesn’t get you a custodial sentence and certainly never one that long that’s all.

I don’t care personally what he did but don’t make out it was a silly little mistake and whoopsie. All the fault of the wrong crowd. The wrong lads.

Making out it was minor is why a lot of people
think the husband is an arsehole.

But when you know what it takes to get that kind of sentence and that he beat his mum it’s just someone not wanting to facilitate someone they love meeting their abuser who’s been convicted of terrible things. That’s a different swing on it.

It strikes me that your son now has two father figures who have abandoned him.

He chose to have another baby too and with that choice comes responsibilities. He doesn’t sound nice.

I've also seen mainly mums and grandmas being repeatedly victimised and used by violent men, their sons and grandsons, because they are the only people who won't turn their backs on them, sometimes with life changing consequences. It's often wrapped up in guilt and obligation that you can't walk away from them because they are your blood, except that doesn't matter to them when they've just broken mum's jaw, stolen Nan's wedding rings etc. It's complicated