To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

What's going to happen when your DS is released, he will need a home, financial help for a while until he can find a job and also emotional help as he is still very young, this will have a huge impact on whether he can turn his life round or not.
I hope that your DH can forgive your DS and you be willing to help him rebuild his life.

He doesn't want you to go and visit. He won't do it as he knows your son is abusive. While he judged him for hitting you he has double standards as he's also abusive emotionally. You're not really seeing the pattern here and that's worrying as you now have another son. You need to become a bit more independent. You are quite isolated. Struggling to be a mum to two sons of different ages. Your 'partner' is only happy when he has full control of other people your eldest and now you and your toddler. Take time out to think about why men are trying to control you and you're actually letting them. If your son could repeatedly hit you and you did nothing to put him out of the house that's a you problem. You allowed it. Work on building some self respect, some boundaries, some independence. You have another son to raise and you're being manipulated by your partner and eldest son. Take the kid with you if you have to visit but really get some help to build yourself up so this stops being a recurring pattern.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry.

WTF?!
The Son is a violent thug, how can anyone even defend him or possibly blame OPs partner is beyond me!

there is something wrong with people who blanket believe children cannot be rehabilitated, without knowing he truly committed some crime beyond the pale. And something very wrong with thinking a mum should just abandon their child.

Nobody is defending the son. He didn’t do nice things. He is still a minor though and he is working towards turning his life around. OP is all he’s got in life, if she isn’t there to support him he’s got no chance.

You husband is being very controlling. What's going to happen when your son leaves prison? Your son was a child when he assaulted you and it was very wrong, but it sounds like he is changing in a positive way. I can't imagine my child being in prison and not be able to visit at every opportunity. You supporting him is probably the most important part of his rehabilitation, especially as both his father's have given up on him.

In a vaguely similar situation. I have now split with my partner for having no empathy or support for ME.

This will cause you great distress on top of what you are already experiencing with your DS. It will fester. You will resent your DH for not empathising with YOU. Remember this is about you and not your son. A good person will be able to find a way to separate the two.

Nobody is defending his actions. His actions AT 14! do not define who he is or what he's capable of becoming. My son was violent at 14 (only at home with his parents) and is absolutely not violent today at 16 (although a real pain at times). Should I have given up on him 2 years ago?

DP is being a twat.

It's perfectly right and normal for you to give your DS another chance. That's what parenting is all about.

You're not asking DP to visit and that's fair enough as that might be a step too far for DP, given the history. But you are asking him to parent his child - who he presumably chose to have too, by the way - and he should step up.

I imagine there are layers of anger and hurt that affect DP's reactions. It's worth exploring these with him but you should stand firm on your need to help your DS.

When did your son start his sentence - did your DH somehow decide with himself that as the first child didn’t work out, you two should get a new one and forget about the first attempt, and is now internally cross that you aren’t on board?

You are not being unreasonable

Your husband is behaving appallingly

Like many pp have said, book a babysitter and go and see your son. Then have a long hard think about whether you want to be with this man for the rest of your life

None of this should be about the son or what he did. The issue is the OP wants to visit her son (her choice that she is allowed to make), and her husband is making the decision for her that she can't, and refusing to support her. She should have autonomy to make her own choices and he may not agree with them but he should support them.

He's not stopping her though.
She could take her son or find childcare.

Whether or nit this points to a pattern of behavior only Op knows