To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

Sorry but the sympathy should be for the victim/s and their families.

To get sentenced to over 4 years at 14 years old means the crime/s were horrific.

More than a mere assault as op describes in her downplaying of her son’s behaviour.

But that has absolutely nothing to do with him, looking after his own toddler, son.

He might not like the OP going to visit her older son, but it's not his choice. He will always be her son and her DH needs to get his head around that..

Your ‘d’h is punishing you for your son’s behaviour. That’s pretty abusive imo.

You book it for a Saturday. Don’t tell him, get up and leave toddler with him.

what he is doing is completely unacceptable. You are not ‘childcare’ at weekends, he is too.

@Holeymoley28 I said in my op i wasn’t posting this to go over everything because what he did wasn’t why I was posting.

Hes going to be 17, it wasn’t his first offence and he would get into trouble with the police for various different offences, at first when he was 12 (and just started secondary that year) it was for being in the wrong place wrong time which was what the police said themselves, not me making excuses. Police spoke to him about who he was hanging around with but things escalated over time. Then he broke his bail conditions by going where he shouldn’t and at first he denied everything when it was on cctv. He basically thought nothing would happen to him and he didn’t realise how serious it was until he was sentenced but even after that it took a while for him to realise

This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. This might be your eldest’s best opportunity to turn things around and he needs your help. Of course your DH should be supporting you.

The argument about you being a SAHM is completely irrelevant- what about evenings and weekends? Care of your toddler should be shared then, even if you accept it’s your “job” 9-5. And toddler should be having some 1-1 time with his dad anyway.

Your DH is being so difficult because he’s actively trying to destroy your relationship with your son. I’d be giving him an ultimatum, either he steps up and looks after your youngest when you need to visit your elder son, or you split up and you’ll visit him during DH’s contact time. And mean it.

@Holeymoley28 I agree that we should sympathise with the victims - very true.

However, we can also sympathise with the OP who is trying to navigate a difficult situation. One thing doesn’t negate the other.

I can’t imagine what I would feel if my child had done something horrific (which we don’t know what it is) but as I stand I don’t know if I would be able to completely let go. I imagine it to be truly devastating for the OP.

It’s a one off so he should
do it

I’d be going back to work op and sharing out the childcare tbh - then hel have to juggle it all like everyone else / nursery pick ups / days off sick child etc

sounds like he still wouldn’t pull his weight though so I’d probably get a job and get more independent so you aren’t reliant on him anymore for anything.

it doesn’t matter if you want to visit your son or go out with a friend - he should be able to mind his kid / why can’t he book a half day and off you go

its your son and if you want to forgive him for whatever he’s done that’s your choice

Ditto.

Book the Saturday then and tell him he'll be watching his own toddler while you visit your son, as you want him to turn his life around, feel he is genuinely trying to do so, and you won't abandon him.

He's being an arsehole and you're going to have to force the issue.

Long term, I'd consider ending the relationship if he's going to be this unsupportive.

Surely he chose to have a child too? So why can’t he look after them?!

Sorry but you need to be there for eldest. Find a way if ‘D’H continues to be a wanker.

This. Don’t rely on your husband for money. He has all the control now.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He is telling you he is unwilling to support you in being able to visit your son.

Your options are:

Take your toddler with you, which isn’t ideal but he’s backing you into a corner and making you effectively choose him and his wishes over your wish to visit your son.

Book a babysitter/Ask a friend.

If your DH is unable to accept you want to visit your son, the relationship with your son and your DH are not going to work.

What happens when your son leaves prison?

What a terribly difficult situation for you OP. I hope things improve for all of you.
I think that you are giving your husband the wrong choice. The choice he has is
'Do you want me to visit my eldest son in prison with/without the baby?'

He should understand that the option of you not visiting doesn't exist.

If I had a friend in your situation I would be offering to look after the baby for an afternoon, no question. And if I was a grandparent I'd be prepared to travel to help. Maybe you are underestimating what people would like to do to help.

Seems to me like all your problems could be solved by removing the men in your life.

Your son didn’t hit you becuase he was angry, he hit you because he is abusive.
Your current partner seems to be controlling.

Your husband is a controlling man, isn't he? He actually tries to control your relationship with your older son using your younger son. He doesn't think childcare is a joint responsibility between the two of you, he thinks it is only YOUR responsibility. Does he think the money he earns is only his?

I'd not be a SAHP with this man (or his wife, but let's start smaller). I am a SAHP to a much nicer, less controlling man who will shift his WFH hours to help me out regardless of what it's for.

Your older son is evidently trying to turn his life around. Why is his stepfather actively trying to prevent you from supporting him to do this? You're not asking him to support him directly. You're asking him to parent his other child, given that his child's mother has other responsibilities - which HE knew when he chose to have a child, if he wants to play that game.

They may not offer this - but sometimes there are family rooms where people will play with children while you have time on your own with the inmate - but you’d probably know if that was offered, is it worth asking ? I was involved as a volunteer for a while and we used to do this.

Your eldest best chance of success after his release is strong family support. Your husband is being unreasonable not to have a standing schedule of toddler care so you can do this visit.

If he truly won’t do it, I would find childcare for your youngest. Go back to work part-time if that facilitates the change.

Presumably asking him to take the afternoon off to look after his child is a non runner......

Dh is a knob. He could look after his son but doesn’t want to

I would look at a babysitter /cm /temp nanny as assume your eldest is going to be in prison for a while and yes be nice to visit and support him , if you feel he has changed

I was going to say this, but she is asking him to disrupt his working day so I do think it does become his business.

I work flexibly, but not so flexible I can drop everything to look after a 2 year old for a couple of hours in the middle of the day.

DH should be giving OP some time to herself while he looks after the baby and she can do whatever she wants with that time, but I’m not sure she can insist it is during working hours when he’s funding her to stay at home.

OP I would look for a babysitter that can come and look after baby in the house while you go. You won’t even have to go through the same worries a lot of people do when picking a sitter because your DH will also be in the house the whole time. I’m guessing it’s during school time so a local teen won’t work, but I’m sure there’s someone who can accommodate you on one of the babysitter websites.

If your DH has an issue with a babysitter in the house while he works, remind him that childcare is your domain and he doesn’t have any input into it.

(To be clear when I say not the same worries I don’t mean ask anyone, but anyone from a verified sitting website should be sufficient!).

Your husband is not a good man, OP.

Did he treat your son badly when he was young too?

Note, I said empathy, not sympathy.
Of course there needs to be sympathy for those affected by crime (and there is).
For those who have experienced the nightmare and judgement by some of their children (irrespective of age), being involved in criminality and incarceration, it's important that there is support /love to reduce risk of re offending.
Believe it or not, this can happen to anyone.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare

Yes he is. It’s his child too and he is equally responsible for ensuring the child is cared for at all times. It doesn’t matter where you’re going - he can’t opt out of being the baby’s dad for 2 hours because he doesn’t like where you’re going.

This