To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

You can't be reliant on a prick like him. You need to get yourself a job, put your son in nursery and then please separate from your H. Regardless of how well your older son is doing, and is is hopefully going to be doing, you will never have a family unit as long as your husband is part of it. He will insist it's him, you and your younger son only. That will seriously mess up your already troubled older son. Prioritise yourself and your two boys and try and bring them as much stabilitly as possible.

What a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you're in this awful situation, and with what sounds like absolutely no support from your husband. He's being an absolute dick. Of course you want to visit your older son, whatever has happened, he's your SON 🩵. Your DH needs to separate his feelings towards the son, from helping you out. Two separate things. Whatever you do don't miss that birthday visit, even if you have to take the toddler. Good luck

“He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility”
”you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare”

I think you are clouding different problems together in your post.
Your elder son has clearly done some awful things.
But separate from that, unrelated to it, your DH has an awful attitude towards you as a co-parent. Saying that you chose to have a baby so it’s your responsibility - is he forgetting that the baby is his too? You being a stay-at-home parent while he works does not absolve him of all parenting duties. He is a father and he needs to step up and parent his child. That includes being home with the baby while you are going out, regardless of where you are going.

Well I think we can see why your son started disliking your husband anyway, controlling arse of a man. YOU chose to have another baby? Was he not there? Did you force him to have sex with you?

I agree with a PP get a babysitter to come to your home to mind your toddler and tell them it is because your husband refuses. Make a holy show of him. Go see your son and then go looking for a job and a nursery for the youngest. This is not a lasting marriage.

Does he ever look after his child on his own?

Sorry, meant to say how often does he ask you to look after the baby, so HE can go out, or does he just go?

1. Take your toddler with you and go see your son and his brother together
2. you married an asshole and a pathetic excuse of a father
3. childcare is not your responsibility to sort, the baby is his child also
4. honesfly this isn’t a situation to be a sahm in due to this asshole of a husband

Is your husband a cunt in other ways too?

This.

Woild he look after him if it was for a different outing…?
If yes, he is emotionally manipulative. He gets to set boundaries for himself (he doesn’t have to see your oldest) - but he doesn’t get to set boundaries for you. Which is what he’s trying to do by withholding childcare / parenting responsibilities. It’s controlling.

You can't. But you can book the time of work to do so if needed. As a parent who worked full time while my youngest was a toddler I would have to do this when my child was unwell or sick. If I employed a nanny I would also expect there to be days/half days they couldn't work that I would have to fit around ideally with notice. Nannies and childminders etc are allowed to book leave for appointments or holidays. Just because the OP is his wife not his employee does not mean she doesn't deserve that same level of respect.

He also chose to have the toddler and spending a few hours one on one time with the toddler would be good for their relationship. Either he is resisting because he doesn't want to solo parent the toddler (bad) or he is resisting because he doesn't want the OP seeing her son and is using her childcare responsibilities to control her (also bad).

I feel sorry for both the kids in this story who have useless dads.

But your son has hit you in the past and you were afraid of him - i wonder if your partner is making a point here - he doesnt want you to get hurt again.

I am sure he doesn't but the alternative is that OP doesn't get to see her son at all. His behaviour is improving so being there for him on his birthday, and remember he still a minor, would probably mean a lot to both of them.

Most importantly, the OPs dh doesn’t need to work from home and look after their toddler. He works flexible hours and is happy to take a 2 hour break to go to the gym during the working day (making up his hours at other times of the day/week). He therefore with notice, change his working hours for the week to accommodate 2 hours of the OP being out.

He just doesn’t want to. He seems to think their joint child is entirely her responsibility and his free time is his to play with. Fuck that.

Book that babysitter OP. Then get that cv updated and start looking for a job, this man is another one you can’t rely on.

Can you not take your toddler with you?

Your husband is a controlling abusive bastard. Perhaps your son knew this and saw a side to him you didn’t. My stepdad hid lots of his abuse towards me too, I didn’t realise he was simultaneously abusing my mum. People can be sneaky fucks. I’d be looking into this as a possibility, might explain your DS suddenly going off the rails.

I’d pay someone to look after the toddler and sack the horrible husband off. “You chose to have a baby” … suppose you used a sperm donor then?

Sounds like the issue isn’t that he can’t but he doesn’t want to because of how much your son hurt both him emotionally and you physically and emotionally.

Book a baby sitter or enrol him in nursery a few days a week, get a job so your more self sufficient.

I can’t say I’d be wanting to work later on to facilitate my husband going to visit someone that beat him family or not. I wouldn’t argue or moan but I wouldn’t help.

What’s the plan upon release? Because it clearly doesn’t sound like your dh will be welcoming him home from prison with open arms and again I don’t blame him I wouldn’t want him near my child either.

Well I will maybe go against the grain a little and say that I work from home in a demanding job that is also “flexible” in that the work just has to get done. I wouldn’t necessarily be happy with having to regularly take time out of my day for a few hours. I have clients and colleagues that do expect me to be available in work hours and going awol regularly would not be well received.

Is he refusing purely just when you want to go and see your son? Would he take time off if it was for anything else?

I spent years working with children in the secure estate. Whatever your elder ds has done (and I'm not trying to defend it) he's a child and having a visit every few weeks and on his birthday is really important! I'm actually surprised you don't go more.

Your dh is being an arsehole. He married you knowing you had an elder ds, now he's trying to prevent you from even the barest amount of parenting. He's using your status as a sahm to trap you and force you to do what he wants (cut off your older ds). It's very unpleasant!

For now, do you have access to money to pay for a babysitter? I imagine using an agency will be expensive, but there's not much you can do about it. Make cuts elsewhere if you need to (maybe forgo whatever food or treats your arsehole dh likes as a start).

In the long term, you need to return to work I'd say, to regain some independence and access to money and free time. Your dh is showing you who he is, you can't trust him.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving him with a babysitter I haven’t met before, ds has a heart condition, he had surgery 6 months ago and while he recovered well and is healthy right now i would worry about the what ifs

He also isn’t walking and if i were to put him into the nursery setting id rather it be when he was able to walk as other 18 month olds and others around that age range which would be in the same room obviously would likely be able to walk

DH does have him alone and takes him to the park, he gets up with him on a saturday etc and if it was for anything else he would probably stay yes

But the visiting times are 2 afternoon weekdays and then on a saturday but we have this almost every time i want to visit even on saturdays (when he doesn’t work).

He takes time out to play games and go to the gym. And when the world cup was on would regularly stay up late and not wake up until later on which meant starting work later.

Have I worked that out right as well whatever he did at 14 was so bad he is about to “celebrate” his 18th birthday still in jail.

That’s a long sentence for a first offence even for an assault.

Slightly different perspective but I work in criminal justice to get a lengthy custodial as a minor what he did must've been very serious (gbh , wounding or similar), and likely not his first offence. You say he also physically assaulted you. Whilst I truly understand your situation being complex I think that's the bit your husband can't get his head around, this is now a young adult male, who has physically and emotionally harmed you and seriously harmed someone else and yet you still want to visit him.

There are two camps of people on this and I've seen both, those families who will support someone no matter how bad their behaviour and the ones who will cut them off, I'm not making a judgement either way but you two are clearly in opposing camps.

I guess I liken it a bit to a good friend of mine, she had a horribly abusive relationship and is now a single mum, I will babysit for her whenever I can for whatever reason, sleep deprivation,work, family party no kids, just fancied going to the cinema etc. If she told me she was going on a date with her ex I wouldn't do it, because I wouldn't want to facilitate her being harmed again

Sorry why do you even have to ask? I bet he doesn't ask you before he goes out to do something.

You say "heading off to see (son), see you at (time). Don't forget toddler's swimming lesson is at 3pm" or whatever.

Why do women need to ask for permission to go out?