To expect DH to watch our toddler for 2 hours so i can visit my son?

[DaringTaupeCat]

I’m really hesitant posting this because there is quite a lot of backstory and I know people will have opinions about my eldest. I know what he did was serious and I’m not trying to excuse him or say he shouldn’t have been punished because he should have been.

My eldest is 17 and his birthday is this week. He’s currently serving a sentence. He got into a lot of trouble from about 12 onwards and started mixing with a different group of boys. There were police getting involved quite a lot. In 2023 when he was 14 he was arrested after a bad assault. He was put on bail and then broke his bail conditions and eventually got sentenced. I don’t really want to go into the exact details because I don’t want to identify him and it isn’t really what I’m asking about.

His biological dad has never really been involved. He was in and out when he was tiny and then basically disappeared. DH has been the main male figure in his life since he was about 3 or 4 and when he was little they were actually very close. DH took him to football, did school runs, played games with him and took him out for days. He really did try with him and my son used to call him dad when he was younger.

Things changed when he got to about 12. He started getting into trouble and would come home angry and tell DH that he wasn’t his dad and couldn’t tell him what to do. DH would try to set boundaries and my son would say things like “you’re not my dad, you can’t control me”. Eventually DH stopped trying to act like a dad because every conversation ended in an argument and my son was very clear that he didn’t think DH had any authority over him.

Then my son hit me, more than once and I was frightened of him at times and there were occasions where I didn’t really know what he was going to do when he was angry. DH was absolutely furious about it and I think that’s when he lost a lot of the respect he had for my son. I think he felt he’d spent years looking after him and trying to be there for him and then my son was treating me like that.

I did try as well before anyone judges. I was constantly ringing the school and asking for meetings and trying to get him help. I spoke to youth services and other people and got him appointments. I tried keeping him away from certain boys and I asked his dad to get involved even though he wasn’t really interested. There were times I was literally begging people to help me because I knew things were getting bad.

My eldest has had help with his anger and other things and he’s doing some qualifications. He’s taking them seriously from what I can see and he’s started talking about getting a job when he gets out and not getting mixed up with the same people again. He’s not suddenly perfect and I’m not pretending everything is fixed, but he seems much more respectful now. The way he speaks to me is different and if I can’t visit he accepts it rather than getting angry.

I try to visit every few weeks. I don’t go constantly and I don’t expect DH to come with me. But pretty much every time I arrange a visit we have the same argument about childcare.

Our youngest is 18 months and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have grandparents nearby who I can leave him with and I don’t really have anyone I can ring every few weeks and ask to have him for a couple of hours. I don’t want to take him to the visit either. I want to be able to sit with my eldest and talk to him properly without having a toddler with me.

DH works from home.I know working from home is still working and I’m not saying he has nothing to do but his hours are quite flexible and he can work when he wants as long as he gets the work done iyswim. I’ve asked if he could have DS during that time so I can go and see my eldest for his birthday.

He said no. He says I’m at home all day so childcare is my responsibility and he shouldn’t have to use his working time because I want to go and see someone who has hurt me in the past.

DH said “you chose to have another baby, I’m not responsible for sorting out childcare every time you want to see your other son” and that really upset me. I know I chose to have another baby, obviously, but having another child doesn’t mean my eldest stopped being my son.

I’m not asking DH to visit him or forgive him or have a relationship with him. I just want him to watch his 18 month old for about two hours.

DH says I’m emotionally blackmailing him because I keep bringing up the birthday and because I know my eldest wants me there. Maybe I am without meaning to, I don’t know.

I just feel like he could separate the two things. He can still be angry with my eldest and not want anything to do with him while helping me with our toddler for a couple of hours.

I know my son did wrong and I know he hurt me and I know DH has his reasons for feeling the way he does but I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable expecting DH to watch our 18 month old for about two hours so I can visit my son on his birthday.

Exactly. Doesn’t seem to occur to anybody what hell OPs husband might also have endured from her son, but hay let’s all just attack her husband anyway. He’s a man after all 🙄

So, what will you do then? Take him too? It's not ideal, but I guarantee that if you allow your dh to control you this time, to force you to cut off your child, his behaviour will probably get more extreme.

In the long term, it's best for both your dses that their dm is free from a man's abusive control. So, if going to nursery or having a toddler join a visit is what has to happen, it's better than the alternative.

The ds in this thread isn't an adult, though. He's a child still.

I don't think many decent parents cut off a dependent dc, or accept their patent trying to force them to. It's classic abuser behaviour.

Everyone is very much glossing over it.

Most first offences if they make it to a court room rather than a deal end up with a tag and youth offending with a possibly suspended sentence.

You’d have to realistically put someone in hospital badly, to get a sentence that’s a few years. They hate to put children in jail unless it’s a last resort.

Also he broke bail so even being given a chance to stay outside since he wasn’t held while awaiting sentencing he continued to do whatever he was doing while also hitting his own mum.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

You're giving your eldest son a better chance of rehabilitation by giving him contact and showing your love and support.

It is utterly immaterial what you are doing during the time that you ask your husband to be the childcare for your youngest.

I WFH and at that age I would struggle to do my job and keep an eye on them but I would happily take a morning/afternoon of annual leave and go to a toddler group or swimming with my child. Or I'd talk to my boss and arrange to make up the hours another day/evening.

Your DH has shown himself to be unreliable. I would look for support elsewhere and still go to see your eldest. Could prison family liaison people help with advice? Or do you have a friend with a child of the same age who could help? I used to happily look after a friend's little one for a few hours because she was a single mum and her parents lived hours away.

I can see why he'd be concerned about your visits with your son but he has to respect your choice to maintain that relationship and give him that vital contact with the outside world.

It’s for us to guess why OP’s husband is being a dickhead.

If you have a question, ask OP.

Part of me thinks it's up to him to decide what he considers worth working flexibly for.

I do think on Saturdays though when he isn't working it's a different matter.

His argument is invalid.

You didn't "chose" to have a baby. He decided not to take responsibility for his own contraception (maybe you didn't either). He impregnated you. Your shared child is the result.

So my take on this is that whilst your husband is not being unreasonable to not want you to have a relationship with your son, he is being unreasonable not to parent his toddler.

I can see the point of view that he doesn’t want to enable you in the sense that your son has hurt you (and him) however I think you need to sit down with him and have a frank conversation. Explain to him that you understand how he feels (if that’s the case) but at present you are not ready to let go of developing a relationship with your son. Effectively (from what I have gathered) you are willing to give your son another chance -
and your husband should support that (in my opinion) even if he doesn’t agree with it.

I understand the pp view point as it must have been a bad thing that your son did but at the end of the day where you are with your so it’s up to you and its not our place to judge. To want to see if you can have a relationship is not the same as condoning his behaviour or even saying “well he’s served his sentence so now it’s all hunky dory”. What I think you’re saying is that you want to explore where this can go and if his behaviour hasn’t improved (which you seem to think it has by your posts) then you will re assess then.

I don’t understand the comparison from a pp
about babysitting to see an ex - an ex boyfriend and a son are two completely different things. Not only because an ex is not blood related but also because an ex assumes a grown man with his brain fully formed and not a child that for whatever reason has done something really bad. Again, not excusing behaviour simply disagreeing with the comparison.

Ultimately, I would find it difficult if my
partner wouldn’t be able to support me on this.

I’m truly sorry OP I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have one of your children in such a situation. It must be truly heartbreaking 💔

What the BLOODY HELL has this got to do with the OP??
Who asked for your input on this?
Oh yes, no one so mind your business!!

Honestly sometimes I sit and read through these threads and my jaw just drops.

Did he not also choose to have this child?

Your DP is an arse. That's probably a whole different thread, which you should start.

You want to see your child on his birthday. Of course you should be there if you want to. And any decent partner should help however possible to make that happen.

Sadly your DP is not that partner.

Exactly this.

he is BOTH of yours child.

if he goes out to the gym for 2 hours, is he begging you in advance to look after his child, and do you say no?

you should have equal free time. That’s time when you’re not at work or parenting to go and do your own thing. Whether that’s gymming, gaming, or visiting another son.

if you don’t have this, and more if it seems absurd to you that you should have as much time off as he does, then you both need to ask yourselves why you see him as superior to you.

it doesn’t matter where you are going.

((HUG))

i'm sorry, your DH is behaving like this.

You chose to have another baby?? wasn't he part of that choice??

He's behaving like a stroppy teenager.

I understand that he's not feeling very warmly towards your son, but given he brought him up, where is his heart? Even if he hadn't brought him up, he should want to look after his own toddler so that you can visit your own child.. I get that DS hurt you in the past, but he's still only 17 now, he made mistakes and now he's trying to better himself. Even if he wasn't, you're his Mum & it's his birthday your DH should love you enough to support you going to visit your son on his birthday.

What would the H say if you booked a babysitter to come to your house when you go?

I know you said you don't want to get a babysitter, but I used to do a lot of respite care, there are plenty of trustworthy babysitters out there. Do you not have any friends that could recommend one?

DH needs to sort his head out, and if he was mine, he would be told back quite clearly!! what is he going to be like when DS comes home?? how much longer does DS have to go?

You shouldn’t. You’re being paid to work - not give half your attention to work and half to a toddler. You wouldn’t take a toddler to the office.

Op I can understand your DP being angry - is he concerned that your eldest will think the relationship between you and your son is sorted and you’ll allow him to move back in to the family home when his sentence ends?

I think that this is a difficult issue that you’re going to have to face sooner rather than later because presumably your son will be released one day and there will be other birthdays and events.

I completely understand why he wouldn’t want to enable son 1 to have a happy birthday and I completely understand why you believe that son 1 is in the process of rehabilitating but you and your h need to have a difficult discussion about what life is going to look like when son 1 is released. Eg Where will son 1 live?

I have sympathy for your h but stand by my previous post that he should do the childcare so that his son doesn’t have to visit a prison.

This isn't about him working from home if he won't look at his DC on a Saturday either.

He's controlling you for whatevers reason.

I think you need to look to the future and decide if this is how you want to be treated and live

Yes, you can. You just can't do them both at the same time and he doesn't need to. He can work whatever hours he wants and regularly plays games and goes to the gym for a few hours.

she has already said he has no fixed meetings on those days

Stop excusing him just being an arse

Seriously tho op. Just book a baby sitter.

Your dh will be at home working anyway so baby won’t even be alone with the sitter. It’s a 2 hour visit.

Then discuss the big problem going forward such as your son’s release which must be soon after nearly 4 years locked up.

He’s not an adult, he’s17. Still a child and still his parents’ responsibility. Well done to the OP for doing what you can for your boy, trying to help him have a better outcome when he leaves prison.

your husband is unreasonable

17 can be considered a young adult - in Scotland 17 year olds go away to uni, in Wales they vote in elections, they can drive and own cars. In Wales they can leave education and work full time

He must've committed very very serious offences to get a lengthy custodial at 14 meaning he is still in at 17, especially with the various changes in release (sds 40) and now the defending act changes.OP also skirts over him assaulting her more than once I wonder exactly what happened on those occasions and if they should've also been reported to police. At 17 he can consent to make a baby, live on his own, drive, work and vote he's not a child, he's a young adult.

You sound like an amazing mum OP.
You have every right to be upset with your husband's lack of support.
I really hope that your son is able to turn a corner.

Well, we wouldn't be turning to you for any support or empathy.
Let's hope that you never are in a difficult situation with your children.
I am presuming you are a parent.

It doesnt matter where you are going ,if your DH wont care for his own son for a couple of hours for any reason you need him to, because "you chose to have another child" ....He's a wrong un and hes controlling you.