AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

But it isn't rape. Rape is very different.

Is this for real, I had to check I wasn't dreaming.

So wrong....removing a used condom from a bin and using the contents to try and get yourself pregnant, what a way to be conceived.

Getting pregnant by deception really should be a criminal offence

I'm not sure of the laws specifically surrounding mail, but I'd say the more important issue there is the identify theft, not that the person took your post in the first place.

It doesn't matter if it's a 1000 women doing it or just the OP. It's still wrong.

What a silly response. Whoever doesn't want a child, or another child, has the veto. Because this isn't a matter of painting the living room blue, or going for an Indian rather than an Italian meal, this is about making an actual human being who deserves to be wanted by both parents, and not the result of a vulgar .

It's not 'controlling' not to want a child. It's spectacularly unethical to try to trick someone unwilling into being a parent to an actual child.

So once again, you would concur with the MN held view that if a man secretly removes a condom prior to sex, that that’s akin to rape ? If so, how is what OP did any different ? She obtained his seed without his consent, and this is all about that consent.

I didn’t say she raped. I believe she has committed spousal abuse. She has stolen his bodily fluids in order to create a child without his consent.

She has taken his consent away from him. It is vile.

Therapy needed ? Yes.
let’s hope spermicide in condom does its job.

you need to respect your husband whatever your feelings

Well that may mark me as weird but I don't find your behaviour particularly horrible - but then I never feel sorry for men. Never tell him, chalk it up to a flight of fancy and try and make peace with the fact you may only have one child. Condoms aren't however 100% foolproof with regards to contraception, if he really doesn't wantany more children he gets himself a vasectomy.

Meh. Think of the generations of women forced into marriage by men hoarding wealth, being forcibly impregnated again and again, possibly dying in childbirth, certainly being trapped with the husband if she did survive all those births. OP hasn't even done a fraction of what most men have been doing for millennia.

I think it is pretty awful to force someone to have a child they don't want, that you know they don't want. It's abusive and potentially harmful to the children. It's hard if your partner is reluctant (whether it's to have a baby, move house, get married etc) but until both parties agree, these things can't happen.

And if there was a woman here saying she was pregnant and husband wasn’t happy everyone would be saying it’s his fault for having sex, men should understand that every act can lead to pregnancy, he should get a vasectomy…

It’s about consent.

Wrong on all levels
BUT
condoms are not 100% safe.
If he feels that sure about not wanting another child he should consider a vasectomy.
If you weren’t fiddling around with used condoms and you got pregnant by him what would he expect you to do @PaperKingfisher ?
Have you discussed with him his expected outcome of an unplanned pregnancy?

So once again, you would concur with the MN held view that if a man secretly removes a condom prior to sex, that that’s akin to rape

How on earth did you reach the conclusion that I concur with that?!

I don't concur with that.

It’s offensive to people who’ve been raped. I’d leave this dh and have another baby using a donor.

I don't think she's stolen anything, given he threw the condom in the bin. But yes, I would agree it's spousal abuse. Although he's a bit silly if he thinks using a condom is ironclad protection, too.

You're right, it's not the same as rape. But it is still a blatant and deliberate violation of sexual consent so it isn't a million miles off. Arguably it's not dissimilar to stealthing which, according to Rape Crisis at least, is a form of rape.

You currently have a child AND a husband but you want 2 children and no husband? What if he seeks 50:50 custody- then you’re back to the equivalent of 1 child but with no husband 🤷🏼‍♀️
Do you see how mad this is? Never mind the non- consensual part….

This is a marriage issue and if you aren’t on the same page about children how could you possibly raise a child in that environment?! Do you honestly think that child deserves to have a father that never wanted them?

There are other ways to have children but first you have to decide whether this marriage is fit for purpose because as things stand it’s an unforgivable way to get pregnant.

I didn’t, it was a question, hence the question mark.

Although I completely understand the biological/primal urge to have children, if your DH found out you even attempted this then that could be the end of your marriage. He would never trust you again, and to be honest, it's understandable. It's wrong on all levels.

The best you can do would be to convince him that he wants another kid.

I have name changed for this. I got pregnant once after an ex removed a condom after sex and resulted in an abortion. I can't even describe the feelings of violation I had. If the condom failed, that would be pregnancy by failed contraception. But that wasn't what happened to me, it was a deliberate act of sabotage.

And while I'm not saying what the OP is doing is the same, it's in the same ball park. This isn't a contraceptive failure, she's doing a deliberate act behind her husband's back. He hasn't consented to this, it's sabotage and it doesn't matter how desperate the OP is or what her feelings are. It's a gross abuse of trust and consent between two married people.

It almost makes me think that people think what happened to me and others is ok, because condoms fail, it's therefore ok to sabotage them.

Children deserve to be wanted by both parents and in a pregnancy that both parents wanted and consented to.

I know right! I just can't get worked up about this in the scheme of things. He married her, wanted to start a family, then got cold feet because the first was 'too difficult'. And now she is supposed to have a life with only one child when she is desperate for more. Yeh Im not feeling terribly sorry for him tbh.