AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Right, so it's her using his discarded bodily fluids without getting his consent. It is not at all even similar to rape.

Oh she so does. What she has done is despicable, selfish and VERY wrong. She has ignored her partners wishes and done what she wanted to anyway. There are mistakes, then there is this. It is HIDEOUS!.

I think if it worked and she ended up pregnant she would have been very happy. Unlike her partner who now has to deal with a child they don't want and all the consequences that could come from that.

Clearly the OP cares about her own happiness and not the happiness of her partner.

Yeah that's it, try and force yours or the OPs views on the husband because he doesn't want to have another child. Jeez, when did people get so entitled? No means no! Imagine if a man posted this!

Everytime he has sex with you with a condom this a risk he's taking, I bet loads of babies are conceived to women that are "on the pill"......

He's also mindful to protect his future fertility

Op stop having sex with him totally
And you need to make a descion if this is a deal breaker another child

It is. But the other side of that is the DH is controlling his wife too. He is stopping her having more children when she wants them. When she has an absolutely burgeoning desire to have more. He is also stopping his child from having a sibling. So there is more to it really.

You need to get a hold of yourself OP, uncontrollable biological urges? Come on. That's what men used to say to excuse rape. If you want another baby you'll need to leave your husband. You can't have both, as he doesn't want another child.

He literally threw them in the bin. That's the definition of discarded. That's obviously not to say she should've done what she did, but she didn't steal, and she didn't rape.

You should come clean and apologise to him, then go to see someone for help, counselling or something

No - don’t tell him. You made a mistake and it seems you’re well aware of that. Move on and don’t do it again.

I do suggest you talk to your husband about a second child though. Why is he so set against it? Just because a first child was hard work, doesn’t mean a second will be. My ex wasn’t super-keen on children but we agreed to have one. Then he agreed to have a second, after some thinking, because he thought it would be good for our first child.

As it happens, he bonded extremely well with the second child despite me thinking he might not.

If your husband really doesn’t want another child, then you need to think about your future and whether you’d choose another baby over him.

I agree.

Obviously, comparing it to rape is quite ridiculous and insulting. The OP stole bodily fluids. She did NOT rape anyone.

The truth is a man could NOT have done this. If a man was to remove a condom to intentionally impregnate a woman, this is completely different. The man has intentionally CAUSED the woman to become pregnant without her knowledge, and therefore CAUSED her bodily harm (looking at it in the general sense). The woman's body is the vessel that his actions have deliberately affected, and she then has to deal with consequences that she did not agree to.

You cannot turn the scenario around to 'if a man had done this....' and I find it insulting to women that this seems to be an adequate answer to the situation.

Ewwww who flushes condoms??

I agree with the poster who pointed out that he’s running the ops fertility down while keeping his own. He should have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want kids.

Now, I'm not sure if this is rage bait. But if serious, I think the responses are harsh, obv it's wrong, but I think 'wicked' is ott It's not the equivalent to a man doing it, as she'd be carrying a pregnancy. As has been suggested, I think you need to engage with how much you really want a second child, was this discussed beforehand, and think about leaving your husband. I'm sorry OP that he won't consider a conversation about this with you. I think you really need to engage fully in an open way with your own desire, and avoid taking a side door approach. All the best

Unfortunately OP, it's a pretty clear-cut situation and you already know it. You are not entitled to his sperm in the same way it would be utterly reprehensible of him to impregnate you against your will. Now I would still make a distinction between the man and the woman here as it's your body that will carry the pregnancy, at your biological cost. However neither parent should ever be forced into parenthood. It's not fair on him or the child.

That isn’t controlling to say you don’t want to have a second child, that is his prerogative. She can have more children with another consenting adult. For a child to exist 2 parents have to consent.

If it was a man with burgeoning desires to have another kid, would that make it ok for him to emotionally blackmail his wife / sabotage contraception etc? It isn't right whoever is doing it. If you want more kids than your spouse you leave. Trapping someone is unacceptable.

For goodness sake, its nothing like rape! Absolutely nothing like.

No OP should not have done this.

But the man is choosing to continue to have sex and is using a form of contraception that is not even particularly reliable. A baby is always a possibility and he knows that. And he knows OP will want to keep the baby. He knows a baby is always a possible outcome of him choosing to have sex, all he is doing is reducing the likelihood of there being a baby.

And that is one of the many, many thousand reasons this is nothing, nothing like the trauma of a woman being raped.

Talk to your husband. Your marriage is dying while you plot and cry. You are killing it at its core.

No, it is NOT controlling for the husband to say he does not want anymore children. If the wife does want children, then they are well within their rights to get divorced and find someone who does want children. And who's to say the existing child wants a sibling anyway? There is nothing more to it apart from what the OP has done is totally, utterly, deploringly wrong.

In the real world l don’t know anyone who would stoop to this - most of the people l know would have too much respect for their partners to force them to father a child they didn’t want by basically stealing their sperm. OP is risking the break up of her marriage when he inevitably asks her to have an abortion and if the sperm is damaged it could result in a disabled child.

So if someone takes your discarded post from your bin that's not theft? What if they then use it to take out a credit card in your name?

I think he deserves to know, and it will open up to him just how important it is to her to have a second child.

He needs to have full disclosure so he knows whether or not to stay with her and accept the risk that she could do this again at any time. And should he choose to stay with her he can choose whether to negate this risk with a vasectomy

There is more to being a parent than the carrying and birthing, it’s a life time commitment,

The reality is people do this all the time. You just dont hear about it. But believe me it happens.

Exactly this. If a second child matters so much to you, leave your husband, use a sperm donor and prepare to be a single parent to one child, and share your eldest 50/50 with his father. That's the morally decent thing to do.

Imagine a man doing “something impulsive in a moment of madness” 🤔

There is nothing controlling about not wanting another child. As adults we all get to make that decision,