AIBU for feeling awful after trying to get pregnant without DH's consent?

[PaperKingfisher]

I’ve done something really bad. I’ve name changed for this and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

My DH has always been against a second child, since we had our first and he was really hard work & intense.

I’m desperate for another and so many people I know are having babies at the moment, it’s like a biological urge. Particularly strong at the moment as I’m ovulating.

My DH won’t have sex with me without a condom. Which I hate as it is.

Now this is the part I feel I need to share as I can’t tell anyone else. After we’d ‘finished’ I took the condom from the bathroom bin and you can imagine the rest…
Yes it was hugely impulsive and wrong and I know I’m the worst person. I’m just so desperate for another baby and every time I see my DS I’m so sad he won’t have a sibling.

I very much doubt this method will get me pregnant, but I just don’t know what to do, I’m so depressed and jealous of my friends. My DH won’t change his mind. In this sense it would be ‘accidental’.
I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Yup and the courts hold them responsible for financing them.

But that’s neither here nor there. The actual point I made is that the few hours of pain I had giving birth were absolutely nothing compared to the pain that motherhood has brought me over the last 18 years.

Being a parent is a full time, lifelong commitment, yes some people bail on that, they suck, but it doesn’t make it easier than childbirth

except that …we all know 🤭?

My sincere apologies.

I honestly thought that only a man could have such an incredibly stupid take, considering women literally die during pregnancy and childbirth, or may suffer serious injuries that cause them pain and suffering for the rest of their lives.

Meanwhile, as another poster said, men waltz merrily away from both the emotional and financial burden of children all the time.

According to the law, consent is given specifically under the condition that protection is used. When that condition is secretly broken, the consent no longer applies. Consent works both ways. In England and Wales, the act of removing or tampering with a condom can be prosecuted as rape because the deception invalidates consent. How is what OP did any different ? Why should women be afforded this protection but not men ?

What low life behaviour -- in a marriage! Really low.

Surely this is a fake post?

If not, did you have a chat about how many children you wanted prior to getting married? Even so, you can change your mind after a difficult child. If I had had my second child first I would have stopped at one (severe SEN). You really run the risk of ruining your marriage and then having two kids on your own instead of both supporting one child. It wouldn't be the end of the world as plenty of great mums manage, but you would likely lose your marriage.

Get a dog instead. You still get the wonderful ly joyful baby stage of poos and rubbish sleep, but no university fees and school runs. 😀

But the comparison is being forced into pregnancy and childbirth, vs being forced into impregnating someone. The former is clearly far worse than the latter.

At no point was parenthood even mentioned.

@anterenea
I'll ask the same question to you (I'm copying & pasting my question to the poster you are agreeing with;

Do you at least care about the child (might be a girl...) who will be brought into the world unwanted and quite likely rejected by her father? Do you want her to go through a lifetime questionning why her father walked away from her? Why she wasn't good enough for her father to stay and love her? Or maybe her mother will tell her the truth she was conceived when she rummaged through the bin and squirted some old semen up her vagina and deceived her father into being an unwitting parent?

I agree. As mentioned in my previous post I DID get pregnant by stealthing many years ago before I realised there was a term for it and had a subsequent abortion.

My ex took off the condom. This OP contents from a condom without consent from her husband. Both actions involve tampering with the condom against it's original use. I'm not saying what the OP did was wrong but it's in the same ballpark. Both myself and the OP used condoms in the faith they would protect us against pregnancy and in both cases the other party has deliberately sabotaged this without our consent or knowledge.

All these posters dismissing what the OP did, make me feel they are dismissing what happened to me. If condoms are used in a sexual act to prevent pregnancy then that's what they should be used for. Taking if off, taking sperm from it or whatever without the person's consent is abuse.

It’s deception. It invalidates consent. Why should that be any different for a man ?

I can't believe some of the replies on here. A child should be wanted by both parents.

What do you think your husband would say if you told him OP?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership which includes trust and respect for your partner. If you're so desperate for another child then either talk to your husband and explain this to him or divorce him and have your second child.

Not all siblings get on and if you'd be happy to see your existing child potentially 50% less so that you can have another one then it's up to you.

Yes your husband could love the "accident" baby or he could really resent it and your marriage would break down anyway.

Personally I think this is an awful thing to do to someone you are supposed to love but I can see that is not a universal opinion.

I get the feeling, if this is real, that you don't think you've actually done anything wrong.

Because it didn't happen during sex, and it didn't involve the man's body.

Whereas a man can't impregnate a woman against her will without using her body sexually to do so - it's different biologically.

Again, not really the point I’m making, but thanks for the insults at the beginning of your post, I hope it makes you feel better.

Do you disagree that it is harder to raise a child than give birth to one? I have to question whether you have had and raised one if you believe childbirth is harder? It is inherently higher risk of death, but it isn’t harder.

This conversation is also detracting from the real story, that someone is trying to veto her husband’s non-consent to procreate. Which I’m sure we both agree is not acceptable.

And I’m not sure what the relevance of men walking away from their responsibilities is? Genuinely lost on that one, it’s nothing to do with this thread or post?

Anyway, apology accepted, I’m sure we can all be very short sighted at times and fail to understand a post if we aren’t concentrating properly, next time just be more careful.

Actually parenthood is the literally starting point. This man is being forced to become a parent, and the previous poster thought that it was ok because previous women had been forced to give birth…do try to keep up

I have a feeling you will get slated for this (rightly so!) 😂 so at great personal risk of backlash to me, I will present the other side...

There's always grey area, isn't there?? Waaaaaaait, let me explain!!!!!

So, things you do with a partner you have known for years, decades etc and with the context of knowing that person inside and out... Not the same as a black and white "right and wrong" label that ignores all context.

Example: due to biology, your partner won't be forced to grow a human inside them. So we can eliminate personal, physical trauma from this. Psychologically and financially: that's for you to determine. Is he just a bit "nah, I'd rather not" or has he expressed that his mental health cannot tolerate it and he may end up cutting short his time on earth.

I also notice something that happens with couples, which might explain why you felt okay doing this. The amount of couples who "become one person" is alarming, but understandable. They use "we" pronouns even when you're just asking them a question! So, do you feel that connection with him where you are bound through thick and thin and just thought it was okay to make a decision for you both.. like buying a new car he now has to pay for..

Do you have a history of disregarding other's wishes? Are you typically selfish or is this purely biologically driven? Maybe you decided he was being selfish by disregarding his life-partner's needs when the outcome isn't 'so' bad, just another human to love.

Whatever your reasoning: it was clearly wrong and needs to not happen again, but do I think you're a villain with no possibility of redemption? No.

Seriously though: that is a massive problem and it's better to ask him to reconsider than deceive him.

*Not even "better"... More like "vital"!!

This particular act of law doesn't seem to apply after the event of sexual intercourse though. I may be wrong but it usually applies during the actual event.

It (ie. the condom) was definitely discarded, otherwise how could OP collect from the waste basket.
if something’s retrieved from a waste pile is it necessarily stolen by the person who picks it up 🤷‍♀️.

Maybe OP could claim it happened during sleepwalking.

it Invalidates consent and is abhorrent, but the definition of rape is very specific and this isn’t it.

Do i think it should be criminal? Yes. And in some countries I believe they are campaigning for this. But it isn’t rape.

The name calling is a bit much. But he would have to pay for any biological children because unfortunately stealing his sperm isn’t a crime, it’s madness and absolutely should be a crime, but isnt.

Need to have reforms made, because if she put holes in the condom it would be a crime, but if she takes the sperm afterwards it isn’t. I cannot fathom how we have allowed a loophole like this to exist.

the issue is though, it’s not something he has got fed up with or finished with and dumped, like a newspaper. You aren’t supposed to flush condoms, so he has deposited it into a bin as the appropriate step, he hasn’t abandoned it. So yes, it counts as discarded, but in reality it is actually properly disposed of. He shouldn’t have to rinse the condom out in he sink to get rid of the sperm to prevent it being used, he should be able to put it in the bin without that being considered discarded property, when it is the logical way to dispose of it

I’m so frustrated and angry that he gets the final say in this and I only get one life, I’m already late 30s so time is running out for me.

Not true. You have choices. You can leave him, and go for donor insemination at a fertility clinic, or you could fuck around in a lot of one night stands, get pregnant & do it on your own.

What you can't do is expect a marriage to continue with such gross deception.

Stealthing occurs during sex therefore removing the woman's right to have protected sex.

Picking a condom out of a bin does not occur during sex.

OP stole the condom out of the bin and has inseminated herself thus removing her husband's choice to not get her pregnant.

He still consented to sex. They still had protected sex.

And the fact that she picked the condom out of the bin and tried to impregnate herself with the contents removes consent. She’s tampered with the condom and used the sperm for a purpose he didn’t consent to.