To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

[laptopstanley]

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

Your resentment will kill your marriage even if no one physically leaves unless you take responsibility for it and deal with it. YABVU given your husband was iffy from the get go and you have 2 children. He has made a huge compromise for you and it's time you did the same.

When I was getting married, I told my mother we wanted to have four children. My mother said, "Just have one first, then see how you feel." She was right because none of us know what pregnancy, parenthood, etc, is going to be like before it happens. We had more than four in the end because the last one turned out to be twins.

Your husband might have agreed to three then found parenthood much harder than he anticipated. Sometimes you need to renegotiate a new reality. He wanted 0-1, you wanted 4-5. Two seems a reasonable middle ground. Yes, just one more might have been nice, but sometimes one of you finds out that's more than they can take. He's had a vasectomy, so he must be pretty sure he can't deal with the idea of another one.

"I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker."
You are both in combat mode. Both blaming the other. You both need to start focusing on empathy and consideration, rather than who is "right". If you don't, the divorce will be by mutual agreement, as you're both ready to fight.

Is having another child or two more important to you than having a good relationship with your dh? If so, take responsibility for that rather than waiting for it to be his fault.

Imagine telling this story to your children in a few years when they are adult. What version of the story makes you look less unpleasant?

Uh-oh OP, me thinks you should have read some other threads about wanting a third child. It's a big no no around here. Two is acceptable but any more than that and you're unreasonable/selfish/risking having a child with 'something wrong with them'.

You had settled on three, so of course you're upset the goal posts have now moved.

The one or none should have been a clue OP. He was clear at the beginning and you ended up with 2. That's his compromise.

The one who doesn't, vetos the one who does. If you want to end a marriage over it then it's on you OP.

It was already a fairly selfish decision to have children with a man who you knew the two of you were incompatible in terms of family wants. It would have been a difficult decision for sure to leave and find someone who also wanted a large family, but it is absolutely what you should have done.

this new want goes another step in to abhorrent selfishness. Your baby grows in to a person. A human being. With their own wants and needs. Why on earth would you even consider giving birth to a person whose father doesn’t want her? What an awful thing to do to someone.

Agreed!

Five? Just....why?

Most threads about a third are like that - but with those it's a change of mind after a few kids which I do think is harder.

Here the man said he wanted none or one from start and OP wanted 4-5 - that was an obvious area of incompatibility.

I'm wonder if OP assumed three would come when his compromise was two all along - which is one to two more than he ever wanted and vasectomy is very clear he's at his limit.

Aside from everything else, could you afford to have five children in this economic climate? You'd need to be very well heeled.

We wanted 2 originally. Then it turned out we had fertility issues and would have been absolutely thrilled to have one. We never had any. Count your blessings OP. .

I’m with the dad

If you and your husband had both been vocally keen on having three from the very beginning, and then despite your situation not changing, he turned around after one child and said 'I don't actually want any more', then yes, I do think that would be him reneging on the terms of the marriage, and if you ended up leaving it would be primarily his fault.

But in your situation, he said 'one or none' from the beginning, so you went into it fully warned that he was not keen on children. So YABU to blame him, and would be better off being glad you've got two.

Personally, I would've really liked three but only had two - for a while I was quite disappointed that my DH didn't want a third, but given we never actually discussed how many children we wanted, I had to accept that as being fair!

I was in a similar (ish) position to you.
We have an 8&6 year old. Partner definitely didn’t want anymore kids.

I panicked aged 35 and desperately wanted another baby. I nagged and nagged until he gave in and we now have a 10 month old.

My partner really resents me. It’s made life a lot more difficult than I realised. Going back to having a baby and not being able to just leave the house, not being able to watch TV of an evening for a good 6 months, not having the time and energy to play with the other 2 kids, rushing around like a blue arsed fly.

The gist of my post is that I can see the resentment in his eyes, we argue a lot more and he frequently tells me that, although he loves her and wouldn’t change anything now, that he wouldn’t have had a third. He’s also really depressed.

I wouldn’t change her for the world, but in hindsight, perhaps I should’ve taken his feelings on board.

I don't think anyone is saying there's anything wrong with having three children if BOTH partners want three children. I know plenty people who have three children, I'm one of 3 myself and had no issues with it growing up.

What people are saying is that the husband is reasonable for just wanting two, he can't be forced into having more kids just because the wife had her heart set on a specific number before they had kids and she would be wrong to blame any sort of break up on her husband because of this.

For him to have gone from 50/50 on whether to have kids at all, and even if he did, to have only one, you did well to get two.

He was very honest.

I won't minimise your desire for more though. You're allowed to want more. He is allowed to have reached his limit. You are both being unreasonable to accuse each other of relationship-ending though. I suggest counselling before you damage your relationship irreparably.

100% agree.

I think YABU because you have this mental image of wanting another child, you are not thinking clearly. You are being over emotional.
I do emphasise enjoy what you do have, let the children live in a stable home rather than splitting over wanting another child.

Most of the votes are saying YABU.

I think you assumed your husband would change his mind but he didn't. You need to cope with your feelings in a responsible way.

Wishing you all the best.

And how is divorce fair on the children 'mummy didn't get her own way so daddy left'

We sort of settled on three

What does this mean? Was he clear he wanted none or one, but you guilted and whanged on about more until he caved? Then you're a dickhead.

It's ok to leave a marriage for any reason if you're unhappy.

It's also OK to change your mind about how many children you want.

That's really unfair and likely untrue. I'd say it's more likely that he agreed 3 might be possible until the realities of having two hit.

He’s already massively compromised, you are being unfair to everyone esp your existing children.

YABU

Kids are fucking exhausting. Any conversation about how many you want before you have them and are in the thick of it is pointless and you were silly to try and hold him to that.

What would you say it if was the other way around and my DH wanted more kids but I didn’t because I didn’t want to put my body through a 3rd c section? Breaking up the marriage am I?

My heart isn't breaking for someone who has two healthy children I'm afraid.

Also you don't need to "fast forward". We know time has moved forward in the time it took to gestate two successive foetuses.

This needs 2 yeses 1 no. And you have 1 no. Is it sad and hard for you, of course. But you married him knowing his was 1 or none.

if you knew you wanted a bigger family, then you should have ended the relationship. You need to accept his wants.

I never wanted children, my husband did. I had a surprise pregnancy at 37. Now I have a nearly 4 year old and want another. My husband doesn’t. So we are not having another baby.