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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that the person who DOESNT want any more kids is the one breaking up the relationship?

257 replies

laptopstanley · 28/09/2026 10:02

This is hypothetical because I’m not really going to leave my husband over it (though I am angry and sad).
When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five. We sort of settled on three.
fast forward and we now have two. Youngest is now 6. He was very clear he didn’t want more and got a vasectomy after second. I was postpartum and felt I couldn’t really push him not to.
Now I feel resentful toward him and wish we could have more.
I keep seeing these husbands everywhere who are lead by their wives on how many kids or are the ones wanting loads of kids.
We talked again and I said he’d be the one breaking up the family if he decided he would rather not be together than have another baby, he said it would be me leaving and breaking up the family if it was a deal breaker.
has anyone had to accept they will never have another baby?

OP posts:
itstoolateforsnacks · 28/09/2026 10:31

It’s a really hard situation to be in. But he told you he wanted one or none. That is not a person who wants loads of children. I feel you need to put yourself in his shoes and consider how he has compromised. No one should be having children they don’t want of feel able to have.

I think pps are right in saying it’s not about whose fault it is to break up a marriage. More you have to ask yourself is your anger at him something you want to nurture and maintain. And if it is, it’s obvious what the end point of that is likely to be.

Spaniels4Eva · 28/09/2026 10:31

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place here. You're not fulfilled but leaving means having your existing DC part time not all the time, and raising them between 2 homes with an ex DH who may be hugely resentful of you for your actions. And picking another partner to have more children with is a minefield... there are so many duds out there that other women have thrown back into the barrel. Most men aren't that great the first time round as parents, even less so on second families because they expect the new partner to pick up their slack on their existing kids.

I think making peace with this decision is a far lesser evil than ripping your family to pieces but won't be easy and will take time. I'd look into counselling for yourself to help you wade through it all.

MagicUser1 · 28/09/2026 10:32

I don't think it's relevant who is doing what - that is just creating a blame game. But if you really must blame someone, I'm sorry, it's you. for a start,as others have said, he didn't want children or maybe one - it was crazy for you to think he was going to "compromise" at 3 and I suspect he never actually said that but perhaps wasn't as firm with you that 3 was not happening as he should hav ebeen. Your expectations were so wildly out of whack from the start that this is ridiculous.

As for now, you have a husband and two children and might end the relationship for a nonexistent third child. That's you.

It would be different if he'd lied to you etc, but that' snot the case here. I'm sorry you're in this situation but I've seen this before - one person really thinks they can convince the other one to change their mind about something fundemental - kids, where thy live etc - and then is upset when they can't.

OneoftheWeddingPeople · 28/09/2026 10:33

You will thank him when they are 18 and 20 and you are perimenopausal
and the hormonal baby fever has abated.

PollyBell · 28/09/2026 10:34

So one parent is happy for another parent to tell the extra children they were only born as the other parent only wanted them? They didnt want extra children just did it to keep the peace

FannybygaslightinGovan · 28/09/2026 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How did you come to the conclusion that OP must be on benefits?

labamba007 · 28/09/2026 10:34

If you decided to leave you would be breaking up the family. What a bizarre argument anyway. I’d suggest therapy.

HettyTagliatelli · 28/09/2026 10:35

The person who ends a marriage based on the number of children they have would be the one breaking up the family, obviously.

MajorProcrastination · 28/09/2026 10:35

You've both compromised here. Two children is completely normal and lovely. Did I want another after my youngest? Yep. Could we afford to have a bigger home and car and pay for an extra whole human being forever and ever and take another financial hit of mat leave? Absolutely not. Our children have a much better quality of life than if we'd gone on to have more imaginary children.

Itsthewoluff · 28/09/2026 10:35

He’s already compromised hugely. There is a much bigger compromise from none to two than there is from five to two.

Holeymoley28 · 28/09/2026 10:35

Its all good and well having a number conversion but you guys were so far apart this was always going to be a problem.

We have three, we had talked about having a whole football team if money was no object but after three he got a vasectomy sensibly.

The person who leaves because of a possible future child is the one breaking up the family. It’s a choice for a want that might never happen.

It’s not leaving an abusive partner, a drunk, a druggy. Someone who’s gambled away your life savings.

It’s like leaving for not getting a puppy, or the last piece of chocolate cake.

TheJoyousHiker · 28/09/2026 10:36

In your case, I’d say it would be you. Your DH wanted 0 or 1, you wanted 4 or 5 and ‘sort of settled at 3. I would think in that scenario, it would have been fairer to think about 2 children. Also, we can think all we like about how many children we’d live to have before we actually have them but in reality we can’t really say for certain until we’ve experienced the first baby and then the second. And factor in things about careers/paying for childcare/schooling, etc, etc.

TherapistInATabard · 28/09/2026 10:38

User3353821614 · 28/09/2026 10:10

When we first got together we talked about how many kids we wanted. Him; one or none, me; four or five.

This was never going to work.

This

Hellohelga · 28/09/2026 10:38

I’m confused. He’s had a V so why are you even discussing this? Are you saying you would leave him to have a DC3 with someone else? Or just out of resentment? If so YABVVU

dayslikethese1 · 28/09/2026 10:38

I agree with your DH sorry OP. If you're otherwise happy apart from the 3 child thing, I'd focus on the family you have.

mummypigoink · 28/09/2026 10:39

There’s also the practicalities of having a third child who be a minimum of 7 years younger than your other two. Just as you’re getting to the ages where children can be doing similar activities on holiday etc, you’d be having to start factoring in having a very small child. You’d effectively be starting again - does that really appeal when you’re well past the baby stage?

Sausagepickle123 · 28/09/2026 10:40

We had similar ideas. I wanted 5 kids, he didn't. We have two. My husband says he cannot and would not cope with more - I have made my peace with that. We have two beautiful children and just get on with it. I would not have left him over a hypothetical child.

13RidgmontRoad · 28/09/2026 10:40

I agree with others OP. Sorry. Can I add - if DC3 turns into DC3 and 4 (of which there is a higher likelihood as you get older) life may get a lot harder and resentment may set in on DH's part.

Herewegoagain57 · 28/09/2026 10:40

You’re absolutely allowed to be upset so you’re not unreasonable for that but I don’t agree with the title of your OP…

The only time I think the person who doesn’t want children to be blamed for the relationship break down is if they tell you over and over that they’ll have a child with you, keep pushing the goal posts and then admit years later that they never actually wanted any.

I think it’s natural to decide after having a kid or two that any more is too much, I always wanted three and now I have two I’m 10000% done!

I also think it’s insanity to have another child to keep your wife happy, all this “wife leads how many kids they have” is stupid.

rubixsphere · 28/09/2026 10:42

Unless you have a high income and an abundance of energy OP I think you're being delusional and your DH is being pragmatic. Also sounds like you're not really grateful for the one's you have.

Runningupthecurtains · 28/09/2026 10:43

I know very few people that have the number of children they theoretically wanted pre children. I wanted 2 or 3 fertility issues mean I have one. My sister wanted 2 pregnancy no 2 was twins so she has 3. Loads of my friends and family have fewer than they planned because of finances or relationship break downs.

Your DH is right - if you choose to leave him to pursue a theoretical 3 child it is you who are breaking up the relationship.

Ofcoursenot26 · 28/09/2026 10:43

Thank goodness he had a vasectomy. Despite some strange people saying you should try to forgive him, you shouldn't - because he's done absolutely nothing wrong. If you don't stop treating him badly over this he might not forgive you though.

He wanted one or none. He's already massively compromised. Now you can decide if you want to choose to break up your marriage over this. It will, indeed, be YOU breaking up the family if that is your choice.

Heronwatcher · 28/09/2026 10:44

YABU. There are many people who just don’t enjoy parts of having kids. Or the effect it has on their lives. He’s got 2. He’s entitled to say that’s enough.

Plus who is paying for them all? 3 plus kids makes a massive difference in terms of size of house, car, holiday accommodation. And of course lots of people manage with lots of kids and not much money and good for them, but for me having a too-small house with multiple kids sharing rooms and sleeping in the dining room, no money for fun stuff, no peace, no free time and never going on a decent holiday would be my idea of hell- I’d much rather have a smaller family. I think in most cases this is better for the kids too.

Thankyounextnext · 28/09/2026 10:44

We are a "one and done" family - not the way we planned it before the reality of having a child hit us - a quote widely used on the OAD subreddit is: "if it's not a 'hell yes' from both partners, its a 'hell no'.". I think its a vital rule to live by when it comes to planning pregnancy.

SleeplessRoads · 28/09/2026 10:46

Nope. If you’re the one leaving because the relationship and family is not enough for you then you’re the one breaking up the family.

The person saying I’m really happy with what we have and want to keep that can’t really be accused of breaking anything up. They’re the one actively trying to preserve it.