AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

Nothing more to be said is there.

You want children with him????????????????

@TableManners21 That sounds appalling, I wouldn't want to have paid to eat out and have that going on around me. Glad you've decided to end it. You'd be lumbered with them for the length of the relationship otherwise.
Also, blended families always seem to have major issues on here.

OP - DH has one child from his first marriage, and it was hard enough navigating that (even though he had perfectly normal table manners).

Would you really want these feral children spending 50% of their time in your home?

A good summary of what he's really showing you..

Some times its hard to separate out what people are telling you and what it really means, but I think this is spot on. Also the poster who said about half the time.. and why he thinks that is a reason to not even try. Seeing them regularly every week is a fair enough opportunity.

Do you get the impression that he doesn't act because he actually doesn't know how to, or what to do, or because he thinks that discipline means loud telling off or harsh punishment (it does'nt) or because he's worried they will start saying they don't like Dad?
Does he for instance say anything like please don't do that. Or I'd like you to sit down please 12 year old.
Or are they just used to ignoring him.

I think you'd have your work cut out to try to fix this OP x

My legs would clamp shut, what an ick.

Take on someone else's three feral kids? Not a chance.

You can't do anything. He's not bothered. It's time to say goodbye.

I agree with you. It's such a regular thing to see at restaurants too, including kids rolling around the floor as servers are walking with trays of out food. The parents just sit there and leave them carry on. It's pure lazy parenting. Is your partner lazy in other way too?

Honestly I think it’s because he wants to be the good guy and is scared that they will prefer their mum. But I don’t think that’s parenting is it?!

In my experience from MN they will have one more child to lock in the skivvy aupair.
Disaster.

@Pithy her threads are a version of so many others on here.
She was brave and finally got away, but at huge cost to her and her son for years.

I would have to tell them to sit down, stop running about, use their cutlery. I don’t make a habit of telling other peoples kids off, but after a while, if the parents aren’t doing it, someone has too. You are now part of their family unit and people will be presuming you are the mum.

I would speak to your boyfriend and tell him his kids table manners aren’t good and if he doesn’t make them behave then you will say something to them. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about whether he is worth keeping or not.

My friend was in a similar situation - her partner's children's behaviour was not acceptable to her and they ended up keeping most of their lives separate. It never got better and in fact it got worse in the teen years. After 14 years of their lives becoming more and more separate she realised he was not close to having the last child leave the nest and she understood he had to put them first but she never wanted to live with his kids so they broke up.

First post. Nail on head.

I have a 5 year old that will occasionally forget to use cutlery I.e. Pick up a bit of sausage instead of using a fork. However if you call it out he realises and corrects himself. It absolutely can be taught and a 7, 9 and 12 year old have no excuse for not having table manners. Your DP is extremely lazy to not pull them up on it, it won't make him a less favourite parent.

If you have children with him your child will pick up these habits from their elder siblings, I'm afraid you'll be constantly losing the battle. I'd be cutting this relationship short, he has shown you his true colours about parenting and pulling up on undesirable behaviour.

Even if you could see past it because they aren’t yours to parent, you couldn’t stay with him if you want to have children in the future. If he wanted to parent yours and allowed the others to roam free like this, your child wouldn’t think it’s fair. That’s the gist of it, really

I would seriously reconsider the idea of having children with this man, firstly he already has three children, so is probably not going to be thrilled at the prospect of more, and it's unlikely he'll be able to afford more.
Secondly if his children act like this with food it is unlikely you will agree with him concerning child rearing, as his children run riot.

Oh god I’d hate to be in the same restaurant as them! What has he given you as a reason for letting them carry on like that? I can’t see any good reason for staying with this man (child).

Honestly I think it’s because he wants to be the good guy and is scared that they will prefer their mum. But I don’t think that’s parenting is it?!

This is sadly all too common with separated fathers

It’s terrible parenting. Deeply selfish. We - parents - need to tell our kids off so that other people don’t.

I don’t say this lightly but I would end it. It’s not going to change and if you stay together it will become your problem. If you have children you will be battling with them while trying to set a standard for your own. Plus if he can’t be arsed to discipline his kids hue involved do you think he will be second time round

Dump him

@TableManners21 please say you have binned this loser.

Run. Fast.
A man who cares so little about his own children that he’s letting them grow up as feral antisocial brats without the social skills to get by is not going to be a good partner, and if you stay together his kids will make your life hell.

he has shown you what he is like. Believe it.