AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

This!

I no longer eat out with my sibling because they do not expect or encourage appropriate behaviour from their child.

I absolutely would not date a man who allowed this. Fuck that.

I no longer eat out with my sibling because they do not expect or encourage appropriate behaviour from their child.

@Hotdogsandfries does your sibling know why you have stopped?

Leave! He doesn't care that his children haven't been taught how to behave, neither does he care that they upset fellow diners and are an embarrassment to be with at meal times. Never have children with this non-parent Op

@TableManners21
He's a loose slob of a father
With feral children
And do you, as a sane rational lovely person
Really want to live that life?
Those ferals will always run roughshot over you in every way no matter how hard you try
And they're not even yours so
Bail out now you can
Do better

If you are unsure what to do, close your eyes and fast forward 18 months. Imagine the same restaurant scene but now you have a screaming infant in your arms. Oh and BTW everyone thinks they are your kids. You're welcome.

My DH is very big on table manners, this would be totally unacceptable. Even at home we are strict on table manners and it’s largely driven by DH, he leads on table manners, cleanliness and self hygiene, of course I do too but DH has taken this as one of his main things he contributes (for balance I lead on homework, reading etc).
your partner has them 50 percent of time so has enough time to influence and guide and teach them, this is basically an indication of how lax his parenting style is. You say you want children some day, I suggest that if you had them with him, everything would fall you you, including teaching your children table manners while he sits back and doesn’t care much if they run feral or not.
I don’t think you should have kids with this man, you can see luckily before tou have them, the future… do you want this future?

If you want kids of your own I strongly advise you to find a man who doesn’t have kids. It will make your life much easier and be better for all the children involved.

I would be out of there faster than shit off a shovel. They are feral, they have obviously never been taught proper manners and discipline. Sorry but I couldn't sit there in a public restaurant while they were behaving in that manner.
How embarrassing!!!

I mean this is the reddest red flag ever.
he already has THREE KIDS. He’s over & out… if you want to have a baby of your own, it shouldn’t be with this man!
Honestly I’m not sure what you’re thinking!
Even three very well behaved children is already THREE KIDS. He’s clearly doing very little parenting. Is he an absolute Adonis? I can’t understand why you’d date a man with three children when you aren’t at that point in life yourself. And even then I think it’s like three layers of red tape.

How are his table manners? Does he not know well enough to teach his children or is he just lazy?

I would be raging.

Don't put any more time into this relationship.

Both parents are equally responsible, the children should know that you don't behave like that in restaurants or anywhere else, your DP should not allow it whether he has them only 50% or not.
Children do know how to push boundaries if you let them but it's up to the parents to educate them or you are failing as a parent.

The problem with that is if he wants to be the good guy then he is forcing you to be the bad guy unless you are going to have 3 feral kids. That won’t be a recipe for success.

You’re not unreasonable at all, my 4 and 2 year olds wouldn’t get away with any of that! They’re high energy boys but they know when to use a fork or spoon (they may not be amazing with a knife yet 🤣) and will sit nicely at a table in a restaurant while eating.

Surely especially when in a restaurant he should call them back to the table and tell them not to behave like that. I’d be mortified!

They would trash your house OP

I said you are bung unreasonable- unreasonable for thinking that children these days behave this way!

Are they neurodivergent? My children have adhd and they cannot sit still when eating, no matter how much we talk about manners, bribe, explain, shout, beg…
our house is never calm… I hate it. they can mask to a certain extend, but they also dis regulate each other.
they will not be able to mask outside and at home… so you’ll have to ask yourself if you can put up with it.
if they are NT - why isn’t he doing anything about it?

This.

This is the parent he will be.

Try telling him how you feel. You nevervonow, he mightvstart disciplining them!

If the children are like this now ,just waiting until puberty hits !!!!!! Run a mile from this man and fast. Don't let him sweet talk you or bullshit you. Just send him a text breaking it off if need be but be sure to tell him its becauseof his parentingor lack thereof. The first time the feral children were doing it should have been enough for you to end things

Omg 😲 that would be the end of it for me, I could not be around children like that for a minute, your partner is to blame for not teaching and instilling table manners.
My father was an absolute stickler for table manners when we were young,something that has stayed with me well into adult life.
I could never be in the company of such behaviour, you are more tolerant than me,I'd of had to say something to them plus I'd of had to pull your partner on it, like wtf are you letting them behave like wild animals?

If you want to continue the relationship (and you might not) you can try a lot of "In my house the rule is x" "I have new carpets in the other rooms so we eat at the table here" "Do you know how to help somebody who is choking? (Demonstrate with a doll that you have to hit hard enough to dislodge the stuck food). I once had to help a child who was choking on food so in this house everybody sits down to eat meals"

You can't get to etiquette of soup spoons and outside to inside with cutlery etc this way but it would allow you to contain the worst of the behaviour and protect your home from food stains / unnecessary mess.

Sorry what . I have 3 neurodivergent children and never would I let them act like that. Whether they can regulate emotions or not is irrelevant here, properly parenting ND children is even more important if thats the case with these children in op post. If children can't regulate and parents are passive then the other diners shouldn't be subjected to it. Its that simple . Not every child who acts up is ND and even then its absolutely no excuse

Honestly OP, seeing as having a kid with someone binds you for so long, I feel it really helps to be on the same parenting page as each other. If you and him see parenting expectations so differently to each other it will cause a lot of issues between you in the future.
In fact, I once read that what keeps couples together most, is not having similar character or even similar interests - it's having similar values that helps keep relationships strong.

Sounds very sad. I don’t know if you should remain or not, but if you do then I think you have to be fully committed and have a realistic view of what’s in front of you. The dad’s chaotic parenting can be worked on; there are parenting groups and programs he could access. Maybe him and the ex need to agree joint strategies.