AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

My initial thought was that they might be playing you up on their Mother's behest.
This still could be the case, but anyway your partner then shows himself to be a spineless twat for not knocking this behaviour on the head.

I simply cannot get my head around children at the age you describe are as feral as that, and if they are why have you all not been asked to leave the restaurant/eating place.

As for them acting like this at his, or your place, then you have every right to lose your rag with them and him. Put your big girls pants on now.

In fact put your big girls pants on and ditch him pronto.
.

..you chose a man with 3 children
...you dont cook.children.spagetti
...do not do not have children with this man
...the kids wont change and he wont change
..you need to leave if you want children

Im afraid i would dump him now. He's either oblivious and/or a slob and definitely a not very good parent.

Honestly? My first thought is actually to feel quite sorry for them. They are much too old to not know how to behave in restaurants. I can understand a three year old not always being great (provided they are corrected) but a twelve year old? Eating spaghetti with their hands, running around a restaurant, throwing bits of food at their siblings? Even if they are doing it to upset the OP, this is unsophisticated stuff for that age. Their parents may not give a shit but there will be other kids the same age there who will judge them - never mind the adults.

Do these children a favour a break up with him. Tell him why, honestly. He won’t take it well. But once three women have broken up with him because his children are unsocialised then maybe he’ll get the message.

I’m not sure what you mean? A child older than five can eat spaghetti? Presumably they can use a pen and pencil in school.

Absolutely lack of parental discipline. Address it or give up and he knows it is out of order
You need to sort it now how can you take them anywhere?

That post suggests you think the kids' behaviour is normal. Is that the case?

I would assume she left.him then and you can see why

To be clear; the children are not the problem. They have a problem, probably loads, and the adults in their lives are the ones that should be working to help them.

Get out while you still can.
Speaking from experience and it didn’t end well.
My exes kids (mainly one of them) were like this, his kids used to run around supermarkets which is my other bug bear. They’d run up and down the aisles, playing tig and one day they smashed into an old lady who was clearly using her trolley as a walking aid, throwing her into a fridge. My boyfriend at the time just looked, didn’t apologise or anything!!

YANBU. There are too many children like this. What kind of adults will they become? What are their parents playing at?

I speak from experience. Run for the hills.

Not always a given these days, I should think!

Unfortunately not.. at that age they should know how to eat, and you should be able to take them to nice restaurants. Presumably they behave at school. He's being a classic Disney dad - all fun, no rules. But that isn't being a good dad - a good parent sets boundaries.

What are they like the rest of the time though? It surely must be a wider issue as you don’t have respectful, well mannered children who then turn feral at a dinner table. I’d leave - you have been lucky enough to see the type of parent he is.

Run for the hills
he’s a shit parent, he can’t be arsed to tell them what’s right and wrong. It’s not a good look for any man.

unless there is zero chance of you having another child with him, you need to dump

@TableManners21 this is why I have no time.for one of my SILs. Sadly Incan't divorce her but I thank God every day she lives on another Continent. I have to be polite every ten years but hell wpukd freeze ovwr before I would have allowed her children feral brats in my house a second time.

Leave him. His standards are not your standards. bet he licks his knife

Sorry, OP - I'd be ending it over this.

So any child you had would be the younger siblings of these children so you expect your child's behaviour to be the same unless this is sorted.

My kids can be noisy etc in the house but they behave and know manners and I have 2 with special needs . No way would I allow them to throw spaghetti at each other or run around a restaurant and out those ages . Have you talked about it with him ?

for Gods sake, do not bring any more children into his family, you will be tied to having a relationship of sorts forever.
(BTW The kids are 7, 9 & 12, so the oldest was at least 5 when he left. he was able to install some modicum of manners for the few formative years & didn't.)
Run like the wind

It’s heartbreaking seeing a grown adult set their own kids up for failure in life purely because they can’t be arsed to parent them.

Those poor kids.

Ouch skivvy aupair - so so right.

You have to get away imo. Children can be difficult to look after, but he already has three and is clearly not able to parent. Having a kid with him would be a disaster imo

This is a deal breaker- as you get older and have children, people’s morals, values and standards become more and more important, and the differences become more apparent. This isn’t the man for you. So sorry.