AIBU to be put off by boyfriend’s children’s behaviour and lack of manners?

[TableManners21]

Hello mumsnetters, I need some views please as I don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable here.

I don’t have children of my own (hope to in the future though) but I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 kids (ages 7, 9, 12) and they are with him around 50% of the time. After around 12 months together we felt it was right for me to meet them and start to get to know him and we’ve just started that process over the past few months.

I’ve now met them about a half a dozen or so times, and most of those times have involved eating together, a couple of times at home and a few times out somewhere. This is where the problem has started for me. The kids have no table manners whatsoever, it doesn’t make any difference where we are, and their dad doesn’t seem to notice or care. They don’t use cutlery at all, don’t sit at the table (getting up and chasing each other around in restaurants/cafes), play with their food with their hands, talk with food in their mouths etc. Last time we ate together was at my boyfriends home, I cooked a spaghetti bolognaise for us, and all three of them were running around the house screaming, grabbing a handful of spaghetti as they passed the table and eating it with their hands whilst playing.

On one occasion in a pizza restaurant I could see their behaviour was really upsetting other diners as they were getting up constantly from the table, throwing bits of their pizza toppings at each other and making a large amount of noise. At one point one of them was even standing up on their chair.

It had never occurred to me that I would have an issue with this, but I really do. I cannot stand it. And I cannot stand it that their dad just sits there and seems to not even notice or care.

What can I do here, given these are not my children and I don’t have any real ability to influence this? Could it be that they don’t do this the rest of the time and it’s a reaction to me being there? Am I just being horribly old fashioned and children just don’t learn this stuff these days? Do I have to say to him that I can’t ever eat a meal with his children? I’m even considering ending the relationship over it.

We have talked about potentially having our own children together in the future, and there is zero in hells chance that I would want to allow my own future children to behave this way around food. Am I the one with the problem here?

Please help!

It’s telling that he is blaming the mother for their behaviour. Children can be completely different with each parent so he should have his own standards. They wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that at school.

Great decision. I mean imagine you moved in together, and the stress of having that level of carnage in your home half the week.
Plus the relationship tensions as he continued to be defensive rather than actually parent.
I'm sorry he wasted a year of your time.

How are they to manage when they get older? Manners maketh Man DM used to say .If they are like this now .Some poor girl will be on here in 20 years ,saying she cant cope as he eats like an animal but worse.I would personally dump him as this will get worse and worse, and unable to handle .Im surprised no one else said anything!

LTB
You've given it more than one go meeting the children and they are exactly the same every time as is he.
You don't want this low class feral lifestyle because that is exactly what he will give you if you ended up with him
I reckon if you have a good think about it you'll see other areas of his life where he is passive

Id turn and walk away and I rarely say that. He doesnt want to parent. He isnt a person to have a child with. It will all fall on you.

It's absolutely disgusting. I actually do know of mothers who have allowed this behaviour. One mother got very irritated, went into denial & almost stopped speaking to her sister when it was pointed out very gently that her son was very obviously bullying another younger boy. The bullying could not have been more in your face and public.

I had a huge falling out with my brother over his children. I stepped in because an animal left in my care was being abused for the sake of his sons entertainment. He took my head off, cursed and became abusive. Totally gaslit me. We have barely spoken in over a year. I still don't know what I did wrong.

Stay away from these horrible parents.

Why will it be hard, out of interest? What winning qualities and characteristics of his would you miss?

There maybe an opportunity opening soon.

Just read your opening post. This is the very best of what you will see and experience with this man. Think about that. Think about the future married with a man who cannot be bothered to parent his children even when it is clear that it is a huge issue for everyone else around.

Fuck no, dump him! Eating spaghetti with their hands while running, being noisy in a restaurant - and he thinks its OK??

You dont need this shit in your life, I would think twice before getting involved with anyone who has three kids - but you are childless, I bet you are younger, why are you so desperate to take responsibility for three feral soon to be teenagers?

Well done OP, You deserve better!

His kids a feral because they are allowed to fo whatever they want. He's not parenting them. He's a bystander and the poor kids are dragging themselves up.

You've spent time with his kids on 6 occasions in the last few months

Its not going to get any better by spending 6 months out 12 with them, you'll just get more opportunity to witness it.

They might achieve insight by the time they get to teenage years and if this did happen, it will largely occur outside of your influence.

You'd have to love someone a hell of a lot to look past that (and the fact they sound like they've never been parented, role-modelled or heard 'no'), then pretend you can deal with a family train wreck not of your own making.

You need to get away from this idiot and his feral children. Horrific read.

Into the garbage he goes.

‘It’s hard for him to change anything’ - as if he’s even tried. Do not stay and have children with him, not least because you’d be forever fighting this influence on them.

This is his circus and those are his monkeys.

Bless you, you did nothing wrong with your brother by the sounds of it.

Better to have tried than done nothing.

Running round with food in their hands at those ages? I take it they don't do this at school which begs the question what on earth has gone on/goes on at home that they feel it is acceptable behaviour when they are with you and their dad. Awful, it would not be ok in a pre-school child who one would hope would be being taught to have good table manners for their own sake as well as for the sake of others who share the meal. I can't believe that they are 7, 9 and 12, they sound as if they have been raised in a zoo!

You should have a read of a very cautionary tale on here - from a lovely poster who managed to get herself out of a similar situation, not before they had wrecked her house and taken her for a mug.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5513388-aibu-to-think-blended-family-life-is-draining-us-all?postsby=PithyBeaker