To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I would have felt led on if, after 4 dates and a couple of snogs, the person said they "weren't looking for anything romantic" followed by them walking away from me in the street and suddenly treating me coldly if I invited them into my bed.

Not the part where they didn't want to have sex, that's fine, and can be said by either party at any point.

Some of the replies here are bonkers! Clearly he did lead the OP on - he went on 4 dates before declaring he wasn’t interested.

Its obviously that that’s upsetting her rather than him not feeling like sex on that particular occasion, come on.

Anyone would be confused and disappointed to have a romance they thought was going somewhere shut down in this way. Doesn’t make her “rapey”, nor would it make a man rapey 🙄

Well then I led men on too by that theory. I would date, get to the kiss, feel nothing then go cold and end it. For me, the kiss is EVERYTHING. I have in the past kept going, and just kept dating, and kissing (no more) and hoping for the spark to come and it never does. I learnt early doors in dating that, for me, the kiss tells me everything I need to know chemistry wise.

I dont consider that 'leading them on'. I consider that me dating to work out if they are for me or not. Isnt that the whole reason to date?

Don’t be embarrassed - he’s an arse. He’s been on dates and kissed you. Not romantic????
I’d give him a wide swerve. Prob should have drunk a bit less but we’ve all been there. Head high. Move on. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Probably a lucky escape.

Op I would phone and ask what went wrong as you appeared to be getting especially as he grabbed your bum.
There may be something else to this that he has not explained.

Fuck, don’t apologise. Just move on. Your instinct is to repair? Why? If you start hanging out as friends you won’t meet anyone else, don’t invest time in someone who isn’t available

As for the not wanting romance thing, well they'd just been talking about how they were both single and open which for him might've meant that they were both on the same page i.e. staying single and not wanting anything romantic. Thinking this was clear, the kisses would've been a fun thing but not meant as much to him as OP who had a different interpretation of their 'single' convo. These are minefields to negotiate, but ultimately isn't it better that he was clear rather than carrying on with the physical side if they weren't so aligned after all.

It makes perfect sense to me that he didn’t want to go home with you given that it was already late, he had been drinking, and (unlike you) he had work the next day. He wouldn’t have been able to go to work straight from your place so would have had to go home very late, or very early, in order to shower and change.

Neither of you wanted anything wrong and you could both have behaved better when it was clear that you didn’t want the same thing. It sounds like you had both drunk a lot, so I would put it down to that rather than any more fundamental issue (given that otherwise you have been enjoying each other’s company).

I would leave the ball in his court for now.

I read the post that your reaction wasn’t just about him not wanting to have sex.

It sounds like it was about him suddenly going cold and saying “I'm not looking for anything romantic right now”. Romance to me doesn’t mean sex, it means everything else - so what did he mean? That spending time together and kissing means nothing? He just wants sex and no dates?

If he’d said he wants to wait longer, doesn’t feel like it today, doesn’t want a sexual relationship etc. then I think that would’ve been clearer. But I think he did lead you on in thinking that there was some romance (not necessarily sex). I would just leave it and not get in touch

This

issue is if I don't get in touch then I haven't apologised for the bit I did wrong - which was giving him a hard time. And that wasn't right.

So you've met a guy, went out a few times including one time that was basically the whole day, held hands, kissed a couple of times, etc etc, but he doesn't want anything 'romantic'?

It doesn't matter that he didn't want to have sex (either he does, or doesn't, and both options are fine), but the fact that he didn't want anything 'romantic' is strange after all the previous stuff.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt by rejection, but equally, he may have realised that actually he's just not into it... Both of which aren't great feelings but I'm sure you'll stop thinking about it soon.

I think he has ED.

The 'im not looking for anything romantic right now' was just an excuse I think. Its better than saying, 'after 4 dates and now snogging, I just realise you aren't for me'. He basically means hes not looking for anything romantic right now...with you'. I don't think hes done anything wrong. But then i would say that, because thats what I have done many times. Again, i dont see how that is leading anyone on. That is what dating is all about - working out if they are for you or not. You are entitled, at any point, and for any reason, to change your mind. That is not leading anyone on.

it's awful because we've got to know each other really well, we've made out and now with ALL that info -he actually doesn't like me much.

very tough pill to swallow.

So leave the poor man alone

Would you say the same if it were the other way around, bet you wouldn’t!

He’s not a weirdo just because he doesn’t want sex at this point, anymore than a woman wouldn’t be either. Women just think that men are up for it at anytime, with anyone, and can’t understand when they are not.

He’s a big boy, OP, I’m sure he’ll be fine.
He must’ve known you were totally pissed so I’m certain he can figure it out.
Don’t say anything.

Absolutely this!

Whatever games he is playing have nothing to do with you or how sexy you are.

Why on earth is he going on dates if he doesn't want anything romantic? Why is he kissing you then backing off? There's all sorts going on and you really don't want to stick around to find out what.

If he contacts to again your reply should be a short notice thank you. Just move on.

Personally I wouldn't be having dates with friends this early on before you've even been intimate. Too much too soon and gives the impression of being more together than you actually are.

Chin up x

Honestly @AmberCatz its no reflection at all on you. You could be a supermodel and this could happen. He probably does like you, otherwise he wouldn't have spent all that time with you, but didn't feel that all illusive spark. I remember I would be so annoyed when this would happen to me, thinking 'wtf, why aren't I feeling it with this gorgeous perfect man'. But you just can't create chemistry that isn't there.

Dont let it affect your self-esteem. I bet you are fabulous.

If a man was saying this about a woman he’d be torn to shreds. Maybe he meant he didn’t want sex when he said a romantic relationship maybe he didn’t. Maybe he kissed you and thought yuk this isn’t going to work that way I thought it would, maybe he has ED, genital herpes, or maybe he is a grade A twat. The thing is you don’t know - but imagine if he had taken you up on your offer and then said he didn’t want a relationship romantic or otherwise. I think you’d be feeling a lot worse then. Don’t feel shame for wanting sex but equally don’t shame him for declining.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints am I understanding you correctly? You're saying that because he initiated kissing her, he should have sex with her? And that by not doing so, he has led her on?

Anyone can agree at any point they don't want sex. That isn't the issue here.

If you are adult enough that sex is a possibility then you are also adult enough to use words to talk about your intentions and not just walk away

Forget about it and move on.

I think apologise briefly for having a go at him about leading you on and take it from there. I don’t think this situation reflects on your attractiveness
one bit - he may not have wanted to have sex with you if you were clearly way more drunk than him. I’m sure in the early days my now-husband of 25 years just put me in my bed and went away, probably several times!