To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I was going to say exactly this!

You do not word anything, and just leave it now.

There can be all sorts of reason for his response. And chances are that you will never know them, so now you just need to move on from this.

It could be he did not want to sleep with someone whilst they are drunk.

It could be he had his ego dented by you making the first move.
It could be that he also had too much to drink and felt he couldn't have sex.
It could be that he just wasn't feeling it after meeting up.

Do you see how none of this actually involves you.

So if something like this appplies, you now sending messages is not really going to change things.

Like I mentioned, you are now hyperfocusing on this now and you are in high anxiety state.

I strongly advise you to put the phone down, step away from your thread now and from sending any messages.

So what is he responsible for? He did nothing wrong you are the one who wanted a shag

You know if a man had got cross and accused a woman of leading him on because they’d shared some kissing but then declined sex, he would be an arsehole. So I understand your embarrassment.

Him wanting to end the night because he was tired was reasonable and who knows perhaps he wanted to wait to have sex with you when he wasn’t tired and, perhaps more importantly, when you weren’t pissed. That would make him a decent person. Once your hangover has worn off have a think about if there’s any truth in that.

I'm so confused. If it was the other way at round everyone would side with the women. Also if you were that drunk you could accuse him of rape. It should be you apologising.

For all that's good and holy, you don't word anything, just delete his number and move on. Your dignity has taken a battering by him rejecting you after chewing your face off, don't dig a deeper hole, you will feel so much worse. Just focus on looking after yourself, rehydrate and maybe get outside to clear your head.

If that's what he believes nothing you say will change it, whuch he probably doesn't. Leave it be.

He basically did the right thing by not going home with a drunk woman if he wasn't sure. It might even be that he wasn't sure he could perform after all the drink!

It doesn't mean you were wrong to ask.

I behaved out of character and I'm upset about that.

I'm supposed to have plans today but don't know how I'll manage due to being wrecked. I generally don't drink much at all and haven't for years. He by contrast drinks a lot more. I shouldn't have kept going when he asked to keep going to more bars - that's my fault.

if he didn't want to do anything he could have not kissed you?

Have you considered just how rapey that sounds?

Men are allowed to be not interested in sex, and are allowed to change their minds at any point too, just like women. Nobody owes anyone sex, nobody is obliged to say yes so as not to hurt feelings.

How old are you? I ask because I’m surprised at a man declining sex. I’ve never come across this personally in my life. Men would usually jump at the chance, often even if they’re not massively attracted to the woman and more so when pissed as you were. His reaction is surprising to me and claiming not to want anything romantic when you’d spent the night snogging is insane. Maybe he has ED and panicked because he didn’t have any pills.

I don't think it's a drawing boundaries thing. Maybe I have misunderstood but it sounds like you suggested sex (essentially), he said no, you accepted that, he went completely cold and said he wasn't looking for romance, you got embarrassingly cross.

Unless the 'you accepted that' bit went differently or I've got the order wrong I think it's a Madonna/whore thing where it's ok for HIM to persuade you to kiss him, grope your arse etc but if YOU do anything that suggests you like sex he immediately shuts down. Sure it was a bit embarrassing to respond drunkenly cross. But I think you are well rid in that case.

If you 'reverse the sexes' as people are so tiresomely fond of doing a woman would probably be at pains to make sure the man knew he liked her she just didn't want to fuck. And she would have done it in a way that meant he didn't just do it anyway/kill her for saying so.

This

@AmberCatz I do think you should apologise for accusing him of leading you on

If he wants to kiss, but he isn’t up for having sex, then you should respect that
Christ, imagine if this was the other way round

I feel ive been him many times when dating. I just would like the look of the guy, like spending time with them, but when it came to the kissing part I just felt --- nothing! I was started to get worried actually that maybe I was just dead inside/going through menopause and just not fancying anyone when it came to it. Fortunately being with my boyfriend sorted that out as sparks flew from the first kiss. Maybe it was that. He just didn't feel the spark once it got to the snogging bit. That says absolutely nothing about your level of attractiveness. I would be on dates with men where I was clearly punching, kiss them and feel nothing whatsoever. My boyfriend wasnt the most handsome at all - its just chemistry/pheromones - who the fuck knows.

I reckon he just didn't get that buzzy feeling so backed off. OR he could have been turned off by you being pissed up. Lots of men hate that. (No judgement there - you are entitled to get drunk, we all do!).

I would say to him your ego was a bit dented last night when he rejected you, and you are sorry you were pushy. Say clearly the chemistry isnt really there and you wish him well. He may say it is but he felt weird cos you were pissed or whatever and want to give it another shot. Or he might let you down easy. But fgs DO NOT SEE A REJECTION AS A REFLECTION ON YOU. Chemistry is a weird thing and often makes zero sense.

Do nothing.

this is what I think - at least my part is then done

Exactly. I think coldly saying he's not looking for anything romantic is hurtful because it makes OP feel like she's been a mug misreading his behaviour for 2 months - when actually I think he's just decided he isn't interested as of now.

Then do it

And don’t forget the thing about a man that shouldn’t really have sex with you if you’re that drunk anyway

Agree with a PP, Chemistry is a weird thing. You could have blistering eye contact with someone across the dinner table all night and realise during a snog that actually, it’s just not clicking for you. Either way, it is to his credit he didn’t fuck a wasted woman.

He doesn’t fancy you. That’s a bit crushing but at least you know and you can move on.

If he didn't want anything he could have not kissed you.

And...

He is in the wrong for leading you on- just put it down to experience. But hold your head high.

This is so fucked up. Can't believe some people are damning him because he was up for kisses and clinches but didn't want to go on for a night of full sex for the perfectly fine reason that he was tired and wanted to sleep before work. Are you serious?? Do men have to find the offer of sex so irresistible that declining it means there's something wrong and they need to be ditched?

As for the 'leading on'... I took the OP's use of it to be jokey but people agreeing that he WAS in fact leading her on is also deeply fucked up. People are tired and have work. They don't have to let their horn override that just to please their date ffs.

OP, I agree a lot of this is overthink/hangxiety/insecurity and it sounds like a nice night if you can get the 'rejection' in perspective and not read so much into it. I don't think you need to be mortified, but I wouldn't take the angle that he's some weirdo for not wanting more or that he doesn't truly like you just because he was satisfied with the night as it was.

Oh gosh please don’t message him. I just don’t think it will achieve anything and you’ll feel rotten afterwards, even worse
than you do now.

I don’t think an apology is needed, from either of you. And I bet he will just ignore it if you give him one.

It’s just one of those things. Totally know how rubbish you feel though OP.

Just keep it simple, just say you drank a lot for you and that youd like to apologise. You don't need to be specific

yeah. It's not nice for me to feel rejected but I didn't need to give him a hard time.

he DID lead me on somewhat I believe but that's another thing

I don’t think it is the same, actually. Women tend to be in a more vulnerable position, in terms of both physical strength and social messaging, and unfortunately are often the victims of aggressive male sexual behaviour. A man accusing a woman of ‘leading him on’ is always going to feel more loaded than a woman saying it to a man.

He did not lead you on you just don't want to beleive it