To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I’m confused. So what did he want then? Just to be friends?

You don't have to sleep with everyone you go out with and/or kiss if you don't want to. And nor does he.

No one has lead anyone on, no one should feel embarrassed or belittled, you just didnt want the same thing, at the same time.

You’ve just got hangover-related anxieties, aka “beer fear”. He should have let you down earlier in the evening (although inviting other people along was definitely a clue he wasn’t romantically interested). Don’t give it or him a second thought but use it as a lesson not to get hammered in early stages of dating.

Even if he did come home with you it sounds like you might have both been too drunk to properly consent so it is absolutely a good thing he didn’t.

Don’t take it too personally OP.

Whatever is going on with him you came up against it with your completely normal behaviour.

He is either a headfucker, or has a herpes outbreak that he was too embarrassed to disclose, maybe married and expected back home, frightened because he has ED, has some other issue… who knows.

Its him, not you.

One for the rear view mirror.

And do not apologise! You asked if he wanted to kiss you, he said yes, and then he initiated more kissing himself. You didn’t throw yourself at him and you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.

He’s told you he doesn’t want anything romantic, so believe him and leave it there.

And definitely don’t message him looking for reassurance about whether he finds you attractive. Nothing good will come from that. Nurse your hangover, preserve your dignity and move on.

I met a few like that years ago on online dating. You're spot on about their low self esteem. That was in my early 40s, nowadays I wouldn't give any of them a second glance.

I don't know. He never used the word friend.

Dont apologise, dont go and start messaging him.

Dont show him that youve been hurt.

This could all be his game, making you feel bad, so that youre on his bloody fishing line.

Stop with all the "i feel very unsexy". Hes just a guy, who was all over you and dropped you at the last second. Red flag!!

Youre not the one to be overtiinking this.

@DahliaDelights unfortunately I already told him I was hurt last night! Because I was drunk.

Wish I'd kept my gob shut.

It's pretty odd to go on several dates with someone, hold hands and kiss and then say you're not looking for anything romantic! I think he's the one in the wrong here, not you!

This is the best advice ⬆️

At least he told you. I'd guess that he fancies you but isn't in the right place for a proper relationship - so at least he was good enough to let you know rather than sleeping with you and then ghosting or being unavailable from now on. Maybe the previous few dates were to try to find out whether you wanted something more FWB, now he knows you want something more involved, he's out.

It's fine for you to want to sleep with him and it's fine for him not to want to. Which can be hard to take when you are feeling rejected, but really it's okay!

That's weird. If you've been out a few times and held hands he absolutely knows the assumptions any woman would be making. And he said he was single and "open". Saying not tonight is one thing but saying he doesn't want "anything romantic" at all is another!

Totally legit to feel upset how the date ended and you were brave enough to say what you said - and now you know where you stand. You didn't say anything wrong, at all imo.

Brush him off, he's not the one for you. You don't need to feel unwanted, unsexy, fed up, confused by his mix actions at the hands of a man who's behaving badly because he wasn't upfront as to what he wanted. I would say run away.

Maybe he didn’t want to have sex with you because you were really drunk and a good man would be concerned about you being able to consent properly? And didn’t want to start a row with a clearly drunk person by saying so?

You're just feeling extra anxious due to the hangover. Just be really kind to yourself today. He's in the wrong, who goes on 4 dates with someone, holds hands etc but doesn't want anything romantic? Ultimately, you've done the right thing and saved yourself more "friend dates" with this guy.

I don't think you need be angry or embarrassed. He's not obliged to participate in sexual activity. It was reasonable of you to test the water by suggesting a kiss (and more) but now you know and won't waste more time wondering. Your feelings are accentuated by the hangover - ask me how I know!

But I think it's very fair to feel confused and a bit fed up. Why on earth is he dating if he doesn't want anything romantic? Or if its just that he likes your company very much but doesn't feel a romantic spark then he should have clarified in the first very long date that he'd like to have you as a friend. He's made it a lot more awkward by carrying on the "dates" without sharing that with you.

And it wasn't just the kissing - he was pulling me passionately to him and fondling my arse. I thought it was all green lights!

I realise this doesn't have to lead to more but I misread that through this and him extending the night this is where it was leading.

He doesn't want what you want, for whatever reason. When you meet someone who wants what you want, you'll know. Hangovers make you feel depressed - you'll feel better once it's gone.

The only part I feel bad about here is if I made him feel like he was obligated to have sex. I feel like maybe I need to say something there but now it just seems pointless to say anything at all. It's ruined.

So if a man accused a woman of leading him on this place would let of red flag fireworks why is it different when a woamn does it (unless you are a man)

He did nothing wrong you were just desperate so own it then move on

I wouldn’t message or worry about it. Although I reckon if in a reverse and a man suggested going home to a female and then had a go at them for leading them on the replies might be different.

Exactly.

You have the fear so everything seems worse.

Keep it casual with him (just talking) and move onto someone else who wants the same as you.

Also chips and curry sauce and fizzy juice will sort you right out!